An Update From The Colonel

From The Desk Of:

Col. Beauregard Sterling Lovell, Mookified Army, Feline Brigade, Commanding

Well, it has been awhile since we last updated all you humans on the state of affairs within the feline world. We have, as most of you know, completely and totally eradicated the terrorist fleas in our protracted War On Pests ('07-'08)

With the weather getting colder by the minute, our other small enemy forces have died off. Besides that, catching flies and eating them became a rather dull activity to pass the time.

Christmas is coming up and the General's wife put up the annual Christmas tree, complete with their stupid decorations. I like to call this thing, The Curiosity That Almost Killed The Cat. I have successfully attacked candy canes and random artificial tree branches, and managed to escape prior to a swift death blow from the wife.

Fecal matter manufacturing production rates have gone down for unknown reasons. We have engaged ourselves in a fiber intake exercise by eating cardboard boxes, random pieces of paper, and other such items in order to keep the General from getting into a slower relaxed routine when it comes to cleaning my catbox out. Recently, the General's youngest son, Private Bug The Terrible had out a Santa Clause Coloring Book. I ate part of it, right along the spine, essentially dissembling the books structural integrity. Served the little punk right. He's always harassing me anyways.

After many instances of psychosis from the child factors running rampantly about the place, I have taken to luring the general and his wife into a false sense of security. I cuddle up on their lap and act all loving with them. This lets down their guard for when I choose to sneak attack them and bite their toes, or attack loose pieces of their clothing. It really is entertaining. And since they wont let me outside to wage preemptive war against other undesirables such as the rabbits, squirrels, chipmunks and birds, this is really my only option.

They have banned me from my practice of patrolling the perimeter of the upstairs neighbors' deck, and running rampantly through the hallways awaiting some poor unsuspecting child to let me sneak out the door when they come in. It really is a shame, and they will pay for this eventually. I do know where they sleep, afterall.

I have learned how to manipulate the General as it is, for my own amusement. It seems one of his previous cats used to make him escort the cat to the food dish and pet him in order to coax eating. I could eat on my own, but it sure is funny making the General cater to my wants, and walk me to an obviously full food dish. It really irritates him, which pleases me of course.

Nothing else to report at this time.

Sincerely,

Col. B.S. Lovell

An excerpt from my hopefully upcoming book

City Confidential: Criminal Idiocy (also titled: Not As Slick As We Thought)

For adults, like I am now, there is a saying out there that “nothing good ever happens after 2am”. Well, after attaining the age in which our parents let us stay out past the streetlights coming on, that time might as well have been “after 8pm”.

During the summertime, we would spend our time looking for the town cop, and then running away from him like we were guilty of something. It relieved us of our boredom and gave him something to do, when the local kids driving the loop weren’t speeding and driving recklessly all over the place. And sometimes we were guilty of being out after curfew, which really gave us some exercise. We would walk out on Main Street, wait for the cop to drive up on us and begin to turn around. And suddenly we would bolt like our lives depended on it. Sometimes we just dodged through yards and behind people’s houses. Other times you could find us running from the old Corner Store all the way downtown, and hiding in the big spools of wire behind the telephone company building. Lucky for us, the cops weren’t too keen on getting out of their patrol cars for something as dumb as a couple kids running around. This activity only lasted so long, as I think the cop finally caught on to what we were doing, and left us alone on purpose. It kind of took the fun out of staying out late.

The wintertime was a whole different ballgame. My best friend, Jed, and I had a little rivalry going on with who we thought was an unsuspecting ex-school teacher. Every winter around Christmas we stole a light out of the decorated trees in his yard. He had the strands that if one light went out the whole strand went dark. So we took great pride in putting a dark spot in those lighted trees. And every day he would go and replace them. It was a nightly game of back and forth. We even took extra care to approach the yard from behind the trees and out of view of his windows. After a while of him replacing the lights successfully every single time, we thought we could outsmart him. Instead of taking the bulb out altogether, we began to take a little extra time to loosen a bulb, thinking that it would make it harder for him to get them replaced. And every night, to our dismay, we would find that he thwarted the previous night’s plans. My buddy and I always thought we were anonymous in our after dark activities. It wasn’t until we were in our mid teens that we found out this just wasn’t so. I was working at the Carlson House restaurant in the kitchen, and Jed also worked there as a busboy. One night, Mr. Harklau, his wife and another couple came in to dine at our establishment. As Jed was pouring them all some water, Mr. Harklau looked up at him and proclaimed, “Well, good to see you have a job. Now you and that Lovell kid can afford to buy your own damn Christmas lights instead of stealing mine!”

This statement goes to show the common sense approach of small town folks and that of an older generation. Harmless fun doesn’t warrant calling the cops, or lining up a lawyer to sue the pants off a kid’s parents. He’d just bide his time and deal with it on his own. Although I’m sure, had he caught us in the act, rather than finding us in a highly public setting of a restaurant, he may very well have throttled us to within an inch of our lives. To save face, we would’ve left the cops out of it, and if our parents inquired, out of pride we would concoct a story about being jumped by a big group of, oh, say a dozen kids we didn’t recognize.

Anyways, Jed came back to the kitchen to relay what had just happened. Both of us were in shock. Again, our sneaky factor was far below where we thought it was supposed to be. But then again, I guess everyone thinks they’re more mysterious than they truly are. Of course this didn’t stop us from our little shenanigans. We still went out confiscating decorations from time to time. We just chose different targets, in other areas of town, occasionally returning to the Harklau’s for old time’s sake. Eventually our collection of lights and lighted ornaments became the decorations for us. Pretty stupid thing to do, but that’s the life of bored children in a small town. It was enough entertainment for us to avoid going beyond petty crime. Of course nowadays, as an adult with kids of my own, I settle for merely looking at other people’s decorations. Somehow stealing with my kids in tow doesn’t seem to be the example to set. But as we’re out admiring the decorations, I sometimes find myself smiling about the old days when I wouldn’t have thought twice about doing a little collection work! The kid is still alive and well in me. I just have a better moral compass now, when it comes to the action part anyways.

A Change In Priority

So I have spent the last few years doing nothing more than chasing the dollar bill. Instead of spending time with my family and guiding them through life, I have left the family activities mostly to my wife.

This year, I have actively taken extra time off to do things with and for my family. My wife, Dani, and I spent time alone Saturday night, walking around downtown int he evening before attending an event at the Civic Center with Bill Cosby. It was a great time to get out, just the two of us and no kids! We NEVER get that!!

Then yesterday, I took the whole family out for ice cream, and then down to a park that sits alongside a local walk/bike trail. We spent a little time walking down the trail until we hit an offshoot that leads to a completely different neighborhood in town. It bridges out over Walnut Creek, which cuts right through the middle of our little suburb. On the opposite side of the bridge, which is directly over some artificially made rapids (concrete chunks spread across the creek), there is a sandy side of the creek's bank. You could sit here in relative peace, save the occasional biker/jogger/walker on the trail across the expansive creek. My wife had a little time to sit there and refresh her mind, while I took my two boys down to the sandbar on the bend to be near the water.

Flashback almost 20 years. (cue the Wayne's World freaky music) In Sac City, the Ahrens Street bridge crosses over the Raccoon River on the southside of town. Under this bridge is a shallow pass of water before reaching an island of good size to play on the river. My friend Jay, his younger brother, my sister and I, would toy around on the island for awhile before deciding we had to explore the river. Soon we would find ourselves a quarter to half-mile downriver, having waded every inch of it.

Back to the present, the boys and I decided to lose the shoes and socks, and step into the creek. Wide, but shallow, it was easy to manage for me as well as the two boys, Corwyn (age 4) and Josh (age 9). In fact the water was clear enough that you could see to the bottom. Well, until you disturbed the silt laying on top the sandy bottom anyways. There were some sections where the current moved much faster through channeled areas. Josh pretty much followed my words to the "T", while Corwyn, the ever adventurous one, was determined to get caught up in the current, and slip into the drop offs. Josh and I, both managed to keep our clothes relatively dry, with just the bottom of our rolled up pants getting splashed. Corwyn on the other hand, managed to completely soak his shorts and undies. Not that he cared, once he saw that I wasn't bothered by him getting his clothes wet. We spent about 15 or 20 minutes moving downstream, and we were rewarded with the sight of a Mallard Duck couple. The boys really thought that was great, and enjoyed their time wading through the creek with me, that they didn't even object when I told them it was time to turn around (something very rare to happen if they are at the park!).

I felt in my natural element while wading through the cold water of Walnut Creek, despite my loud opinion against submersing myself in cold water, or swimming. I think God opened up first my heart, to show me that I needed to spend more time with my family. Then yesterday, He opened up my eyes to show me how much the boys relish this rare time with Dad, just being boys, and exploring nature, just as I did as a young boy. I plan on, and look forward to spending more time with the boys doing the "manly" boy activities. Partly because it is just plain fun, and partly because I think I need the time with my boys just as much as they need the time with me, instead of seeing me on occasional outside the house. I am so very grateful that God moved me to go to the trail instead of home after our ice cream outing. He truly knows me and what's good for me much more so than I.

And So Goes The Last Brother

So, maybe I'm stealing some thunder from Jay, but I decided to write about his younger brother, (Jere)miah having taken his last steps as a free man, and into the world of marriage. I'm sure he'll have his own, and more well written take on the events from his point of view, as well.
You see, the Burns boys are practically my brothers as we grew up from the diaper days together, and still maintain contact with each other. Josh, the oldest was the first to marry, then Jay, and then came the day I truly and honestly never thought I'd live to see: (Jere)miah took his vows with his beautiful bride. Did he grow and mature, or merely find someone willing to put up with him for the rest of her life? I suppose it was probably a combination of the two!

We found the kid who would pee anywhere and everywhere, meet the family man he became (who probably will still pee anywhere with little provocation). The ceremony was beautiful, and included a rather humorous pastor. Then we went off to the reception. The entire trip sent us from one end of the metro to the other, then back. Nothing like a free metropolitan geography lesson to go with the celebration!
I saw many people I haven't seen in years, including their parents (my second set of parents), a step brother, and some of their cousins, aunts and uncles, and an odd assortment of old friends. And of course, her side of the family whom I have never known, and doubt I'll ever see again.

A couple highlights from the reception. (Jere)miah getting cake in his eye from his new bride. During his thank-you speech, he acknowledge my birthday the following day (also his birthday...he'd better never forget his anniversary now!). If I had been thinking I would have told him keep me out of it, and pay attention to his wife, but I was caught off-guard and could only wish him a happy birthday back. Made me feel a bit lame that I wasn't quicker on my feet. During the dollar dance, Josh's wife, Bethany, paid (Jere)miah back for his 50 cent contribution to her. It was priceless. Following that, I danced with him myself, sending him into a dip, and having him take a dollar bill out of my mouth with his.....yes, we are still kids at heart, I suppose.
I think the best humorous part was when "Dueling Banjos" was played...Jay and (Jere)miah played the part of dueling dancers, which has been captured on video, and will in the near future, be found on the internet.
My two sons spent most of the reception running about in an attempt to dance that usually turned trying to knock over as many people as possible. This seems to be their best talent at social functions. My youngest got himself in trouble for pouring a perfect cup of beer from the keg, and then trying to tell my wife he got it for her, as well as playing with a fire extinguisher he "found". As for the beer incident, apparently one of the other nephews was caught attempting his own shenanigans.
Later on, some of us met at the hotel for a little after-party fun. I was convinced to actually use the hottub, and then enter the pool. This is something I haven't done in years, and surprised my wife after I told her about it. I've not been much of a water person ever. Eventually, (Jere)miah showed up. A plan was hatched to throw him into the pool fully clothed. The only snag was the expensive and delicate little cell phone attached to his hip. I was sent in to release him from the phone, by borrowing it to "call my wife". He never questioned my motive, and as soon as I had the phone, his brothers and a few other guys grabbed him and moved him toward the edge of the pool. He tried to fight them off, and his mom was in the water right in front of them blocking it all. I handed the phone off to Trevor, moved over to mom, and removed her from the target area, and next thing you know there's (Jere)miah in the pool in completely soaked clothing.
Karma caught up with me at the end of the night. After having changed into dry clothes "against my better judgement" as I told Jay, that sentiment of mine was passed on to Trevor. I, mom, and another were attempting to send cousin Blake into the pool, and as Blake went over the side, I felt a push, and followed him into the water. So my last pants, shirt, shoes, socks and me were newly wet.
So that is more or less how (Jere)miah and I started our birthday. Completely soaked and no dry clothes to change into. We also happened to be the only people there who had to drive home that night.....that was one cold ride! And , um, yeah...so that's my memories of the evening.
On a personal note, during the reception I saw the all the guys I knew, still having fun with each other,just messing around. On the way from my house to the hotel afterward, I had thoughts of inadequacy. I've spent the past few years doing nothing but work, and hanging out at home. I felt as though I had forgotten how to loosen up and have fun with other people. I really needed that night, as I enjoyed myself as well as enjoyed the company and the fun we had.