Coming Developments

Well, I have a completed one goal for the month of November, and am awaiting a new development coming shortly.

I have finished the preliminary writings of my book about the adventures of growing up in a small town in the middle of nowhere. I have combed thru all the real names I've used and have compiled a list of replacement names for all the characters. I'm sure I'll have to send out legal forms getting permission from some for using their likeness and/or names. I'm not sure, so I wonder, will getting their permission allow me to just leave their names 'as-is' or is that specified in each waiver form that they have the option to use their name or a pseudonym? hmmm.

Anyways, Still waiting on a soft edit from one of the most voracious readers I know to see what tweaks might be made to make it a better read (and therefor more publish-worthy), and then I will be ready to start sending off queries for a literary agent, hopefully getting through the rejection letters quickly to an agent willing to represent me and find me a decent publishing deal on the book.

In other news, and just as important, my best friend Jed, and his wife Naomi, will be leaving today to fly over to Ethiopia to formally adopt and bring back two beautiful little girls they will be calling daughter. It has been quite the long wait for them. I know they are both excited about the prospects, and as usual with new parents, probably very nervous at the same time. But, it will be quite the adventure for them, and I suspect they will do very well as parents as they love kids very much. When my family stayed with them a few days over vacation during the summer of last year, they treated our sons almost like their very own. So I know the girls will be very loved and well taken care of with their new parents. I am officially and biologically an uncle of one little girl, and a pseudo-uncle of a few boys and girls that call me Uncle Mikey. I must say I am definitely looking forward to meeting my two newest 'nieces' here sometime soon. I pray, and hope you all will too, for a safe flight for Jed and Naomi on their way to Ethiopia as well as on the way back for a safe return home where they begin a new chapter in their lives together.

From Lil Sis to Big Mama!

Yep, I'm officially an uncle to a blood relative. Not that I don't count all my pseudo nieces and nephews (kids of very close friends who refer to me as Uncle Mikey), but this is a bit different. I'm genetically linked to this newest member of the family. My sister Becky gave birth (sort of) to Sophia Elizabeth Alvarez on Sunday, September 20th, 2009.


Here is the new mommy and daughter. After a C-section birth (more on that to come) Mommy is all smiles. Clearly the result of legal drugs pumping through her system. After long hours of exhaustion, hard work, and then followed up by a surgery to retrieve this kid, a sober mom would look much more haggard. Way to go mommy! First moments with the child and she will be told about how her mom was high as a kite from the get go!


And here is a photo of the entire new Alvarez family. Lil Sophia, not looking all that pleased at the moment. Vic, all dressed up in a hospital provided sterile trash bag garment. And of course Becky still looped.

Becky of course has always been my little sister. Or, if you ask anyone else, I'm her brother...because God forbid I was ever given my own identity. Growing up, dad worked full time and mom worked a lot of part time jobs. So, a lot of days when mom either left for work, or just needed some rest from working the night before, Becky was forced to hang out with me and my friends. She was a blessing and a burden all at the same time. First thoughts were always along the lines of "Why do I have to drag her along when I want to play with my friends?" Oddly enough, I do this with my two sons now. Apparently parenting techniques are genetic and not a learned response, because growing up I was going to be a much better parent than my mom and dad were to us. As I get older, my wife occasionally refers to me by my dad's name. Somewhere in her odd little mind, she sees me turning into him, and does not hesitate to get her digs in whenever she can. Anyways...

Well, growing up in my neighborhood, you played football. That's how it was. The Neighborhood Football League was a staple amongst us boys. Beating each other up
mercilessly in the name of a sport was a requirement. On occasion, some of the kids would be gone for some reason or another, and there wasn't enough kids to play during a day. However that didn't stop my buddy Jay and I from co-opting his little brother and my sister from playing football with us. Of course when I say football, it was more like a game of smear-the-queer. And while we would run around having fun, it was usually at Becky's expense. We would "fumble" the football in her direction and had her convinced she needed to pick it up and run. (here's the blessing part of her hanging out with us) Of course, boys being boys, we commenced to tackling her just as hard as we would anyone else. Even though she threw the football away in sheer terror, she didn't realize we had a penchant for unsportsmanlike conduct of unnecessary roughness, 15 yard penalties be damned! She took it all in stride, mostly. The only time she tattled was the time I damn near broke her neck. It really was one of the biggest and best hits I ever delivered in my sports career!

I believe it was through this hardcore intensive training that I, as her big brother (and required to teach her about the hard knocks of life so that she might be able to survive the reality of life after living with Mom and Dad- excerpted from page 47 of the Big Brother Handbook) nurtured her into having a baby via C-section. The main lesson being: "If you drop the ball, you will still be punished. So make it worth it and hang on!" We boys all learned this lesson playing on the hallowed ground of the legendary Neighborhood Football League venue, Witte's Yard.

It took another 20some years for this big brother to be proud that she had learned this lesson. Late in the Pregnancy Bowl (Sponsored by Clear Blue Easy Digital Pregnancy Tests, and Doritos New Pistachio Flavored nacho chips), Becky had taken the ball and driven to the end zone in hopes of ending this game with a winning score. After making it all the way across the goal line in the biggest drive of her career as the last seconds ticked off the clock, she forgot the rules. (Luckily for her, time had expired and the penalty was after the play. Otherwise Team Fruit Salad might have gotten another chance to drive this game into overtime, with great field position after the kickoff.)
Instead of flipping the ball to the referee and joining the rest of the team for the victory celebration, she just wouldn't let go. It took a team of doctors to drug her up and TAKE the ball (baby) from her.

The official analysis, provided by the great team at ESPN 8 (The Ocho), was that she had tucked the ball (baby) so far into her gut, to avoid fumbling after any contact, that the ball (baby)had gotten stuck and lodged in behind her hip a bit. So instead of being able to flip the ball (still the metaphor for baby)away at the end of the play, they literally had to go in and retrieve the ball(yes, the baby..how many times do I need to clarify this?)

So after years of telling (yelling at) Becky: DON'T FUMBLE THE BALL!, we realized she took us a little too literally. How many times do I have to tell you, little sister, life isn't all about football?...sheesh, crack open a book or two on applied reasoning. DORK!

Now of course Becky is all grown up and and about to discover the world of motherhood as we welcome into the world Sophia, 21 inches long and weighing in as a featherweight at 6lbs 10 3/4 ozs. So she's tall, thin, and got one hell of a hair do already. Daddy, aka Vic is, quoted as saying, "She, of course, is cute as hell and we have already fallen in love." I can tell by these words he is definitely talking about his new daughter. I know his wife, so he couldn't have meant any of those words about my sister! (Just kidding Becky)

And now I, Uncle Mikey, have a lot of catching up to do. I have to retain the position of "Cool Uncle", and of course down the road, agree with Sophie's statements of mom and dad being such a drag. And of course inform her that her mother was a druggie when she was born, which explains why mom is such a nutcase now. And, that boys are evil, cootie-carrying dirtbags, who she needs to avoid until she's at least 30. I'm sure her dad will back that last statement up wholeheartedly.

Either way, it will be an interesting journey for all 3 of them. Good luck to the new mom and dad. You thought you've been worn out and tired before, but you haven't seen anything yet. I'll pray for you to get past the stage of New Parent Insanity, to the point where life is a bit more fun and Sophie can do more things to both frustrate and amuse you, often simultaneously.

Well, it turns out I was misinformed...(SLIGHT UPDATE)

MY sister is not giving birth to a baby girl after all. She is in fact slowly processing a salad of fruits and nuts, and going to spit that out at the doctor. He should appreciate that, beings its all part of a healthy diet and all.

My sister made mention yesterday that she has a mini-watermelon inside her uterus. Now despite being disgusted at the mention of her uterus, much less any uterus (Hey, I may be a guy who plays doctor on the internet, but I specialize in using non-specific technical jargon to convey vagueries about human biology thank you very much!), I was still intrigued by this comment. Then she sent me this link, which describes the size of the baby as it grows inside her. You can read and view it right HERE

It turns out that Sophia will not be human, but actually be comprised of a series of fruits, nuts and other food-like items. First you add in the poppy seed, about four weeks into the whole baking a baby in the oven process. Wait one week, then add in sesame seed, another week until you sprinkle in the lentil. 7 Weeks in we start getting some fruit action going on with the blueberries,a nd then a week later a kidney bean. A KIDNEY BEAN?? REALLY???? Are we making salad or chili here?? Who eats kidney beans in their fruit and nut salad?

This whole making babies stuff is getting really wierd with all this new scientific comparison studies evidence. I mean really, Just send in the friggin proof of purchase from your Vlassic Pickle Jar, and wait for the stork to come by and drop off your baby*.

Anyways, after that you throw in some grapes, a few kumquats, some fig,a squeeze of lime, some shrimp (Okay, now something is really really odd. You're not supposed to be drinking while awaiting this delivery. I'm beginning to suspect someone is mixing drinks at the minibar. I'm not saying my sister and her husband are a couple of lushes, but they do live down in Florida, retirees live down in Florida, and all good old fashioned retired people enjoy a nice toddy in the afternoon before dinner. Ergo, by my calculations, they should be in the middle of a game of bridge here at the senior center in a few hours, toddy in hand, and wearing their pants up to the chest. All this, just to make a fruit salad baby.


Weeks 14-16 bring us a mixture of lemons, apples and avocados. This is one really messed up fruit salad now. Maybe their toddy's are being alternated with tequila shooters, and they got some kind of weird guacamole stuff going on with a nice big bowl of chips...compliments of the house staff, of course. Senor Juan will be back to take your order shortly.

After your preliminary chips and dip during Happy Hour, We hit weeks 17-19, where we throw turnips, bell peppers, and large heirloom tomatoes into the mix. I'm suspecting someone is spiking the bloody mary's a bit differently down there in Florida. But then again, My brotehr-in-law, Vic, is Cuban, so hey, maybe its a heritage thing, I dunno. Maybe Cubano babies take longer because the stork prefers to do the 90 mile cruise in a raft thing over flying. Meh...

Then you throw in bananas, carrots and Spaghetti Squash. Maybe someone overdid it on the afternoon drinking. Sounds like some V8 is coming to fruition, straighten these old codgers out some. They seem to be leaning over to their left a bit. Add in some Mango for zest, an ear of corn, and a rutabaga, followed by a dash of cauliflower and a whole cucumber. Yep, its some V8 coming their way for sure. Vic and Becky really need to lay off the sauce before this unGodly (but very healthy**) concoction is necessary to keep them stable enough to receive the baby when it comes.

At this point, I'm really hoping that they chose a surrogate baby preparer. At the rate they are going, I'm afraid they might lose a digit, or shave off part of their face while stumbling into the automatic food processor here.

For the next stage of baby development, you need to add in a chinese cabbage, a butternut squash,a dn then a regular cabbage. Talk about regular, you take just these three in any copious amount, you'll be more regular than you care to be on an average day. That's some serious fiber. I'd recommend just doubling up on the Ensure. Much more hassle-free, and it has to be easier on your system, really.

Starting at week 31, you throw in 4 navel oranges, a jicama, and a whole pineapple. You know, all this fruit is gonna make you regular for sure. You may want to try cutting back a bit, eat some red meat for crying out loud. I can already see that by the time the baby comes, this kitchen is going to be one big mess. Why? you ask. Well, I'll tell you why. Vic works hard all day long, making sure that Becky and baby Fruit Salad have a nice place to stay and food to put on the table (you know, to soak up all that drinking we got going on in here). Becky on the otherhand, is an admitted lazy slob sometimes. Yeah, big surprise, right? Yeah, I've come to realize that this pregnancy thing isn't about a baby, its about having a valid "medical" excuse not to do any housework. And when Baby Fruit Salad grows up, Becky will have her own little housework slave, so she can avoid further housework responsibilities while perusing the internet for useless drivel to read and look at....you know, like my blog here.

By now you're going to start seeing the growing baby fruit salad as something recognizeable. Starting with week 34 and going to week 36, you're going to dice up and throow in some cantaloupe, honeydew melon, and a crenshaw melon. Seeing this might take you back down memory lane to when your parents dragged you to family reunions to see a bunch of really old people that claim to be related to you, pinch your cheek and tell you how they remember you when you were just "thiiis" tall, and how big and tall you are now! And somehow, after having been dragged away from perfectly good toys and cartoons at home, this is supposed to cause you to feel attachment to them and reciprocate the love. And how do you do this? You ask old Aunt Beulah where the cookies are! And then KAZAM! you have effectively disappeared to your secret hiding place under the table eating someone's well prepared chocolate chip brownies. But I digress...

As you near completion, you add just a last few finishing touches. It's already coming into picture, unlike that concoction you saw Martha Stewart make on TV that you tried to imitate but failed miserably at, and to comfort yourself, ordered the Snuggie and some "indestructible" flimsy steak knives from an infomercial. Now all we need to do to complete this thing is first, some Swiss Chard stalks, to help with the wrinkly aspect, just in case those grapes didn't turn into raisins in the hot sun. And finally add in some Leeks. Gives it that precious one of a kind, nasty new baby appeal. Kind of sourpusses their faces a bit, since you went and took them out of a nice warm climate controlled oven, and made them come out into your cold cruel world. And while you enjoy your frut salad and eat snacky stuff, they get to look forward to natural or artificial formula for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. Yeah, that's real nice. Inconvenience Baby Fruit Salad, and then rub it in her face. Fine parents you'll make. Now, go grab another toddy, and Senor Juan will have your order up in about a week, Becky! Ask your doctor to serve up the dish with the "salad spoons". If Fruit Salad gets half of the combined brain power of you two, the salad spoons will be required to get that brain out!

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*Please wait 8-9 months for delivery. Void in Rhode Island---RI voids everything. I think most of their people are born in Connecticut or somewhere else nearby. You want to win the lottery or contests of ANY kind, don't get caught dead living in RI, they'll disqualify you automatically.

**So say these supposed REAL doctors, but what do they know? They're just part of an evil system of greed looking to capitalize on every dime they can squeeze out of you. I say abuse the hell out of yourself and your body, it only makes you stronger. And you can trust me, I'm a fake doctor for chrissakes!