People Skills

Also titled: Sarcasm- It's Not Just A Breakfast Cereal

Now, I am sure most of you read the title and ask yourselves "What the hell does Mookie know about people skills?"

To that I say, intellectual knowledge and application of are two different ideas entirely. I know what people skills are and how they are supposedly, in theory anyways, to be applied in real life interactions. However, I have little use at this time for people skills, and my job requires little use for them, so I don't want to ruin my hard earned reputation for laziness and waste time on such needless efforts. I drive around, rattle some doors, and rarely have to talk to anyone while I work. And on the occasion that a client calls, I can make myself sound professional for 2 or 3 minutes. If some moron on the street feels the need to poke fun at my being a Rent-a-Cop, well, that's on him. That's usually the person who later on wil be so drunk he doesn't even realize how many times he's pissed in his own pants. I on the other hand made some money and provided for my family, so screw him (I edited the real word out that went through my brain).

People apply people skills often to keep the peace amongst each other, or in some cases to manipulate the behavior of those around them. To a degree, people skills and maintaining a sense of political correctness in our world have become intertwined. Its pretty much ludicrous how intertwined they can be at times. People open their yap a lot, and oftentimes say something or another that is going to offend somebody. In high school this can lead to a fight...in adulthood it leads to political grandstanding. Neither of which I have much time for these days. I'm too busy grooming my ego. Giving it a sponge bath, combing its hair, brushing its teeth, and dressing it properly for public venues takes up a lot of my time. Feeding time is always a lot easier, as we always go out for my ego's dinner. For those of you who read my drivel, we thank you. For those of you who actively avoid reading this drivel, sorry you're not here to see me thank you in writing for filling up my ego's realization of importance.

The way I was raised, was to be told how things were. Do this, don't do that. If I failed to adhere to the directives handed down from the Evil Duane, other adults, coaches, or other authority figures, I was given more than just an earful. And, if I cried in self pity about getting into trouble I was given yet another earful about knocking it off.

I was razzed by friends and those who weren't on a regular basis, and reciprocated on an equal or greater value. It forced a lot of us to grow some thicker skin. After all, you can't be seen as weak, especially as a boy, or it will only get worse. So pretty much any amount of nastiness sent my way rolls right off my back. (Unless its from my wife, in which case, its a penetrating laser beam of "I'm gonna $^&* you up now!" going right through my skull. Of course this invites me to defend myself the only way I know how....Spousal abuse. She needs a good beat down about once a week or so for getting out of line. If you're still reading this, please dial 911 and report a homicide, because she reads this too and the last line will result in my death. I live at....)

As such nastiness may roll off my back, depending on my mood and the person, I will either ignore it, or shoot my mouth off right back at them with an overly sarcastic tone. Once the exchange is over with, I'm pretty much over it and have already moved on with my life. If they are hurt by my words or tone of my voice, well, that's their problem. And to them I say, get over it, grow a thicker layer of skin and move on. To me, it has all become quite impersonal, and is merely situationally relevant. When I'm at work, and a coworker is being stupid I will not hesitate to say so, and i will not hide any disgust in my voice while talking with them. If it is a situation in which they have no experience, I will walk them through it without any angst towards them. However if it is something routine, and they start whining or bitching, well...Call me Mr Sarcastic Jackass, Esquire. Again, it is nothing personal against the person (unless it happens repeatedly and I determine the person is just a moron). I merely feel the need to get the venting out of the way, and hopefully my gripe will be enough motivation to not screw things up, if for no other reason than to avoid a bath by my acidic tongue. Basically the message is, you're an adult, buck up/sack up and do your job. I will not hesitate to pull anyone's Man Card, and publicly if necessary. But if I see this person at the shop or anywhere else, I can easily carry on a conversation like nothing ever happened. Unless of course, they are the aforementioned moron, in which case, watch what you say, I may throw it back in your face.

So I have this friend, we'll call him Mr A, who manages at a call center. He came in one day and asked the manager who had presided on duties about some certain shortfalls in reaching their numbers that occurred prior to his arrival. Pretty much an innocent question, just merely wondering in case the big bosses wants some answers when they get in. The other manager, we'll call him Mr D, made some explanation that sounded more like an excuse, given previous situations had occurred in not so great an atmosphere and performed immensely better than this current debacle. Well, Mr D, somehow got offended by the line of questioning from my friend, and tried to drag the big boss into the whole ordeal. He also proceeded to tell my friend, after not receiving a satisfactory answer from the big boss, to not talk with him unless it was business related. So I guess jovialness was now out of the question amongst work peers.

Now, without trying to defend Mr D, I can see how he might take things Mr A says the wrong way. He (Mr A)is a go-getter type and generally commands the respect of his employees, and makes quite clear what he expects of them. He is not one to pull punches, and can be rather intimidating at times to anyone with a less strong personality. (on a related previous note...if he gets that way with me, I'll beat him like I do my wife for getting out of line). While Mr A has a good grasp on people skills and how to use them, once in awhile when he gets going and doesn't take the time to think a statement through and how it might be perceived by the other person, he can quickly offend someone, but totally unintentionally. He merely puts things out there the way he sees things and how they need to be taken care of, solicited or not.

However, in this case, it appears that Mr D has a fragile ego, low self-esteem, or some kind of guilty conscience for failing to manage properly. I don't honestly know. But after having heard what was said, my advice to Mr D would be to reach down between his legs, grab his sack to reassure himself that he is a man, and get over it. If he finds there is no sack for him to grab, well he should rub some salve on his mangina and get over it. Hopefully he does this in a private manner, because to do it out in the open would just be a little weird, especially in a professional office environment. Anyways Mr D- Move on, and don't worry about a situation more than it needs to be worried about. And instead of acting like a child tattling to his babysitter that so and so was mean to him, man up and deal with your own mental issues.

Everyone gets so offended these days and takes everything so personally. To them I say, swallow your shallow false pride and get over yourselves. Inevitably most of what you worry about you can't do a damn thing about, and that which you can deal with, most of it doesn't matter in the big picture anyways. And if you find yourself in my cross hairs calling you a retard or questioning your sexual orientation, its a figure of speech...don't go barking up some special interest group's tree trying to make a big deal out of it.

I'm Fat AND a Stupid Monkey

Buggy stayed home from school the other day as he was not feeling well. After work, my wife comes home, and in the process of conversation somehow the word short is brought up. I don't remember what exactly was said, but it seemed to be a shot from my wife at both Buggy and myself. So I looked the kid dead in the eye as he was in his mother's arms and said, "you hear that, Bug, you're short!"

Without even missing a beat he shoots right back, very matter-of-factly, "You're fat." The boy has a very dry sense of humor, and of course once a thought hits his brain, it generally comes right out his mouth. And to be honest, as dry and easily as it came out of his mouth, I'm not sure if this was his idea of a joke, or just a debative form of us shooting derogatory facts at each other. Either way, I was temporarily shut up, and of course his mother couldn't help herself and busted out laughing hysterically. Apparently she is amused by the fact that my boys are smart enough and bold enough to go toe-to-toe with their father. And apparently having missed school due to a stomach ache was enough for him to be feeling much better.

Generally I have a talent for sarcasm and a biting wit that usually keeps people in check around me. I have in the past used this very effectively against my wife. Yes, I am aware that this is not the best way to go about building a relationship, but it appears she is getting the last laugh via our offspring. It appears that the same gene that has allowed me to fake my way to a superior position has been passed on. I'm going to have to maintain my alliance with the Colonel to keep these kids in check and from usurping my power over the Mookified compound.

So yes, I am officially fat for sure now.

Last weekend the boys and I are wrestling around, like we do. Josh has once again wildly thrust himself in the unenviable position of being chicken-winged by me. Sooner or later we are going to have to get him to learn to focus. Too much of this power ranger/mutant ninja turtle flying around business has done in his ability to fight me effectively. Well, while I'm holding him at bay, Bug climbs onto the couch and prepares to challenge me while I have one arm occupied with holding his brother down. But he makes the mistake of leaving his arms at his side, laughing and announcing that he is about to make the leap from the couch and come choke me out. So I give him a little fatherly open-handed love tap on the cheek.

Incredulous he looks at me and exclaims, "You just slapped me like a stupid monkey!" and continues laughing his head off as he prepares to remount his attack. It took me two days to realize that I slap him like a stupid monkey does, in his mind. I thought I had slapped him, as he is a stupid monkey. But nooooo, turns out not only am I fat, I am also a stupid monkey. And this is currently his phrase of the week I guess. I called home early this morning to say hello to the boys before they left for school. After Buggy handed the phone to Josh, I hear "OW. You slapped me like a stupid monkey!" come over the phone from Buggy's mouth. I have a feeling "Stupid monkey" will be a key part of his vocabulary until he finds something new to entertain himself.

Yesterday I hit the RedBox and rented the movie Law-Abiding Citizen. It was an excellent movie. One of the Stars is played by actor Gerard Butler, the same guy who played King Leonidas in the hit movie 300. There is a scene in both of these movies where you end up seeing Butler naked as a jaybird from behind, showing off his butt. Well, I got up to get ready for work last night and my wife is watching the movie. Just as I walk in, that scene is on the TV. I made casual mention that I think Gerard Butler gets paid a good chunk of change specifically for showing off his rear end. And so my wife replies, a little too quickly I might add, "Yeah, and its a really nice butt!"

Nothing else to say to me, just enough words to let me know that Gerard Butler has a better ass than mine.

So I guess the moral of this story is that I need to start working out to sculpt my butt to look more like Butler's and maybe get a more enthusiastic response to its form; and to trim down the obvious fatness I have going on. And then, when time and money permits, I need either plastic surgery to correct my monkey-like physical features, or mental health treatment to get out of a monkey-like mindset.

Either way, I have a lot of work ahead of me!