Well, after a long, hard fought competition, the Rent-a-Cop of the Year for 2009 is...... (okay so I haven't learned how to make a drum roll noise happen here, you need to do it yourself):
Colonel Beauregard Sterlng Lovell, Head of security at the Mookified Compound. What he did to earn this illustrious honor: took out Rent-a-Cop Manager of the Year 2008, Stew Holloway, when he came to check on the Colonel. After Manager Holloway stepped on his tail, The Colonel sprung into action with his cat-like reflexes, did a jiu jitsu leg sweep and then sprang at Manager Holloway's head, and biting him on the ear.
Let me be the first one to say, this contest was obviously rigged somewhere along the line, and by rigged, I mean NOT IN MY FAVOR!!! I was one of the 6 judges for the competition. Now before anyone asks how ethical it might be for me to be running for the award while being a judge...I invented the friggin award, so get over it. After hearing the announcement, I found the head judge, Manager Holloway, and asked for the breakdown on the votes. Apparently I was the only one who voted for me. Given my track record of excellent rentacopping, I was rather shocked at this. Apparently I didn't bribe the right people here. (In retrospect, bribing myself, a sure vote, was probably not worth the time, energy or cost that could've been invested in one of the other 5 judges).
Also upon hearing the news, newcomer and runner-up for the award, Trevor "Irish" McCarthy was also not pleased, and recently commented on his facebook about how he would be gracious, yet wished the Colonel harm, in hopes of taking his place. Irish was then informed that unlike other meritorious awards like Miss America (Irish also missed out on winning this one, after disparaging homosexuals rather blatantly when questioned by Perez Hilton- almost to the point of being arrested for his disturbances), there are no duties to the community or anything resembling service requirements associated with this award. Once you win, you win, and all losers (which I guess includes me) will just have to wait for next year in hopes of being bestowed with such high honors as the Rent-a-Cop of the Year Award.
It was however a very successful gala last evening. Lots of cavorting about drunk on jelly donut filling, or glaze, as well as highly intoximacated rentacops loaded with all sorts of liquor, and probably a few other things, like drain cleaner (Irish), windex (Manager Holloway), and the like (Me- not sure what it was...scrubbing bubbles maybe?).
At one point, all human rentacops vowed revenge on the Colonel for having upstaged them, a brawl ensued, we haven't seen the Colonel since, however we have all managed to be coated, inside and out, with his hair.
Three upstanding rentacops made citizen arrests on themselves for drunk and disorderly after having gone, not through the window in the midst of the fight, but managed to take out the wall itself, and land in the parking lot. One, is testifying both for and against himself in a trial set for just after the New Year. We haven't figured that one out yet. But, if you thought lawyers were full of shit, be prepared for this idiot rentacop to make you proud at his ability to upstage even the best of lawyers.
WE haven't seen Irish either. We last saw him bragging about his ability to maintain the fight while imbibing an entire 55-gallon drum full of Irish Whiskey, without being knocked out, or passing out. He's probably still somewhere in the rubble trying to get the last few drops down before the cleanup crew clears all the debris away, finds him, and kicks him out.
In all the drunken madness the Rent-a-Cop Manager of the Year award ended up going to former NPI supervisor Hayley Eash. She was not in attendance at the great gala, but received 5 out of 6 first place votes in the human poll. The Harris interactive computers had her at .945, while the AP computers had her as low as .796. BCS representatives were unable to explain these discrepancies, but did issue a statement to the effect that the system is what it is, and works effectively enough to determine a national championship. Somewhere, Congress is looking to investigate the BCS' role in determining not only college football, but also the Rent-a-Cop of the Year awards as well. Representative Barney Frank was clearly annoyed that after Manager Holloway stole the ladies swimwear event with style yet didn't win.
Either way it was fun, we were all drunk and/or in jail despite our supposing to have been on duty. Irish and the Colonel are AWOL....could be that Irish found the Colonel, and perpetrated that harm he wished and is off burying the body. But until he returns and files an incident report, details are sketchy at best. We're still a bit busy nursing our hangovers and in some cases, consoling their Bubbas as they get bailed out pending their hearings. If we ever recover any photos from the event we'll be sure to update you. If pictures of a few goats surface, don't judge us.
Showing posts with label BCS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BCS. Show all posts
Monday, December 21, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Hawkeye Coach Kirk Ferentz Challenges Media Conspiracy
The Iowa Hawkeye football program is 9-0 this year, and currently holder of the second longest current winning streak in college football. Second only to the ever-popular Florida Gators. Slowly but surely, the Hawks have crept from obscurity to the #4 spot in the BCS rankings. The fan polls from last week, courtesy of ESPN, had them ranked 2nd. All the sportswriter polls had them ranked much lower. Sports commentators constantly speak of the luck Iowa is having in their victories. Other teams, engineering comeback drives, are being credit for their tenacity and persistence in a "strong showing" of why they are winners. Sure, Iowa has had to put together a lot of come from behind wins late in the game, more often than not this season.
Some critics have a few reasons for Iowa not getting the respect they deserve. Some say Iowa hasn't had a strong schedule. To that I say consider this: The Big Ten has more teams in the Top 25 BCS rankings than either the SEC or the Big 12, and as many as the Pac-10 conferences. The Big Ten is, and always has been, one of the most competitive conferences in division 1 football. Take the likes of Ohio State and Michigan, who despite any adveristy, are always tough teams to play for any opponent, and always stand a chance to take the BCS rankings by storm on any given year. Penn State, led by the coaching legend Joe Paterno, have joined them as Big-10 representatives for the BCS. Ranked #3 in the country earlier this year, they found themselves trampled by an explosive Iowa team.
Nonetheless, those "sports gods" we call professional commentators, no matter the network they represent, still play the popularity game. The SEC (think Florida, LSU and Alabama), the PAC-10 (USC and Oregon), the Big East (West Virginia and Cincinnati), the ACC (Miami and Virginia Tech), and the Big-12 (Texas and Oklahoma) always get automatic hype and all the love in the world for being the premier conferences with the best teams week in and week out. Not to take away from these teams and their records, many years, even with losses, they wil outrank other teams with perfect records. Take for instance, Boise State and Utah. The last few years they have put together phenomenal records. Even in their perfect seasons they were snubbed by BCS officials when it came time to talk Championship Games. All because they weren't affiliated with one of the "big 6" premier conferences. And in their sub-Bowl games, they embarassed their opponents from these supposed good conferences.
Back to Iowa. In the past they held the wrap from critics of not being a second half or 4th quarter team, and blowing leads they built in the first half to lose the game in the end. It seems Coach Ferentz gave them the pep talk to correct this. Only problem is, while playing great 2nd halfs, they forgot to include the first half as well. Once they solve this problem and decide to play quality football all 4 quarters, they will be one of THE teams in the nation to beat.
However, the media still has to overcome their preconceived notions. When it comes to Iowa, it is always described as more of a Cinderella season, the exception as opposed to the rule. Nothing short of a couple consecutive BCS championship game appearances, and/or victories will change this in their eyes. Many commentators as I mentioned call Iowa "lucky" with their comeback victories. Others say they aren't showing much for style. In the end, while I love a flashy game with lots of highlights, the mark in the WIN category is all that matters. It doesn't matter if the victory is by 1 point or 100, a win is a win. Iowa and their coach understand this. That being said, I think Coach Ferentz and the Hawkeyes, have specifically engineered a response. It may be subtle, and only certain sports fans with a greater understanding of the game of footbal itself can spot it.
Take these 3 instances:
Against Division II opponents Northern Iowa: UNI has to kick just one field goal to win the game over the Hawkeyes. The Hawks block the field goal attempt, but commit a penalty giving UNI one more chance. The Hawks dial it up and block a SECOND attempt. 2 Blocked field goals in a row to secure a victory???? If that isn't a stylish defense
In Iowa's 28 point 4th quarter against the Indiana Hoosiers, after throwing 5 interceptions (4 of them in the 3rd quarter alone), QB Ricky Stanzi throws back to back TD passes, one for 92 yards the following for 66 yds. Two plays (including one of these touchdown throws- #10, the other an 86 yd pinballed interception return for a touchdown- #1) made it into ESPN's Top Ten plays from Saturday. There's some style for you.
The week before, Stanzi throws a winning touchdown pass as time expires to beat Michigan State. any game that comes down to the last play is a good game, and being a necessary touchdown instead of a field goal, is only more exciting and a display of those "Style" points everyone wants shown.
Calling Iowa's playing style "ugly" may be partially true. But I think Ferentz is cooking up his own conspiracy to counter that of the media's. Screw around for 30-45 minutes, maybe score a a few points, but play half speed, rest up for the second half. Fumble the ball or throw an interception deep in your own territory. Then, show the other team your defense owns them anytime and anywhere. Let them have their field goals. We'll answer with a show of what touchdowns from a lot further away are all about. Wait awhile, then show the media, it isn't about ugly play, but giving the team some hopes and dreams of winning, and then using some style and flare to crush those dreams without mercy at the end. Iowa's opponents go from pure excitement to EPIC FAILURE!
And to answer the charge that the SEC is the conference. The last 4 bowl games Iowa played against an SEC team, Iowa won 3 of them. The hawks are guaranteed a bowl game this year. Just which one it is, is still up for debate. Ferentz isn't looking into his Bag o' Lucky, but his Bag o' Style this year, in hopes that sooner or later those yahoos from ESPN and everywhere else will realize that Iowa is for real. And in a national championship game, if not the victor, Iowa isnt a team that would lay down for any of these "powerhouses" they might face.
Some critics have a few reasons for Iowa not getting the respect they deserve. Some say Iowa hasn't had a strong schedule. To that I say consider this: The Big Ten has more teams in the Top 25 BCS rankings than either the SEC or the Big 12, and as many as the Pac-10 conferences. The Big Ten is, and always has been, one of the most competitive conferences in division 1 football. Take the likes of Ohio State and Michigan, who despite any adveristy, are always tough teams to play for any opponent, and always stand a chance to take the BCS rankings by storm on any given year. Penn State, led by the coaching legend Joe Paterno, have joined them as Big-10 representatives for the BCS. Ranked #3 in the country earlier this year, they found themselves trampled by an explosive Iowa team.
Nonetheless, those "sports gods" we call professional commentators, no matter the network they represent, still play the popularity game. The SEC (think Florida, LSU and Alabama), the PAC-10 (USC and Oregon), the Big East (West Virginia and Cincinnati), the ACC (Miami and Virginia Tech), and the Big-12 (Texas and Oklahoma) always get automatic hype and all the love in the world for being the premier conferences with the best teams week in and week out. Not to take away from these teams and their records, many years, even with losses, they wil outrank other teams with perfect records. Take for instance, Boise State and Utah. The last few years they have put together phenomenal records. Even in their perfect seasons they were snubbed by BCS officials when it came time to talk Championship Games. All because they weren't affiliated with one of the "big 6" premier conferences. And in their sub-Bowl games, they embarassed their opponents from these supposed good conferences.
Back to Iowa. In the past they held the wrap from critics of not being a second half or 4th quarter team, and blowing leads they built in the first half to lose the game in the end. It seems Coach Ferentz gave them the pep talk to correct this. Only problem is, while playing great 2nd halfs, they forgot to include the first half as well. Once they solve this problem and decide to play quality football all 4 quarters, they will be one of THE teams in the nation to beat.
However, the media still has to overcome their preconceived notions. When it comes to Iowa, it is always described as more of a Cinderella season, the exception as opposed to the rule. Nothing short of a couple consecutive BCS championship game appearances, and/or victories will change this in their eyes. Many commentators as I mentioned call Iowa "lucky" with their comeback victories. Others say they aren't showing much for style. In the end, while I love a flashy game with lots of highlights, the mark in the WIN category is all that matters. It doesn't matter if the victory is by 1 point or 100, a win is a win. Iowa and their coach understand this. That being said, I think Coach Ferentz and the Hawkeyes, have specifically engineered a response. It may be subtle, and only certain sports fans with a greater understanding of the game of footbal itself can spot it.
Take these 3 instances:
Against Division II opponents Northern Iowa: UNI has to kick just one field goal to win the game over the Hawkeyes. The Hawks block the field goal attempt, but commit a penalty giving UNI one more chance. The Hawks dial it up and block a SECOND attempt. 2 Blocked field goals in a row to secure a victory???? If that isn't a stylish defense
In Iowa's 28 point 4th quarter against the Indiana Hoosiers, after throwing 5 interceptions (4 of them in the 3rd quarter alone), QB Ricky Stanzi throws back to back TD passes, one for 92 yards the following for 66 yds. Two plays (including one of these touchdown throws- #10, the other an 86 yd pinballed interception return for a touchdown- #1) made it into ESPN's Top Ten plays from Saturday. There's some style for you.
The week before, Stanzi throws a winning touchdown pass as time expires to beat Michigan State. any game that comes down to the last play is a good game, and being a necessary touchdown instead of a field goal, is only more exciting and a display of those "Style" points everyone wants shown.
Calling Iowa's playing style "ugly" may be partially true. But I think Ferentz is cooking up his own conspiracy to counter that of the media's. Screw around for 30-45 minutes, maybe score a a few points, but play half speed, rest up for the second half. Fumble the ball or throw an interception deep in your own territory. Then, show the other team your defense owns them anytime and anywhere. Let them have their field goals. We'll answer with a show of what touchdowns from a lot further away are all about. Wait awhile, then show the media, it isn't about ugly play, but giving the team some hopes and dreams of winning, and then using some style and flare to crush those dreams without mercy at the end. Iowa's opponents go from pure excitement to EPIC FAILURE!
And to answer the charge that the SEC is the conference. The last 4 bowl games Iowa played against an SEC team, Iowa won 3 of them. The hawks are guaranteed a bowl game this year. Just which one it is, is still up for debate. Ferentz isn't looking into his Bag o' Lucky, but his Bag o' Style this year, in hopes that sooner or later those yahoos from ESPN and everywhere else will realize that Iowa is for real. And in a national championship game, if not the victor, Iowa isnt a team that would lay down for any of these "powerhouses" they might face.
Halloween Weekend- The good and the bad
So this Halloween brought a mixture of good and bad in a variety of areas. So, let's take a look at them.
College Football
Good: The Iowa Hawkeyes made an amazing comeback in the 4th quarter to win and maintain their perfect season, allowing them to stay at #4 in the BCS ratings
Bad: Oklahoma State couldn't take down the powerful Texas program, that would've allowed Iowa to move up, and whittle down potential national championship pairings.
NFL
Good: The Green Bay Packers lost (I've hated the team for years!)
Bad: Brett Favre won (I've hated him just as much as the Packers, his old team, for years)
Good: My 49ers broke Peyton Manning's streak of games in which he throws a touchdown pass
Bad: Indy still won, because their RUNNING BACK threw the go ahead/winning touchdown pass.
Work
Bad: I had to work a 12 hour shift. A 12 hour shift that was actually 13 hours long, because of the time changing back to standard time. I only get paid for 12.
Good: I didn't have a single disturbance or alarm to screw up my night the entire time, so it was a peaceful shift.
Trick-or-treating
Good: Kids went out for candy here on Friday night, and Sac City at my folks on Saturday night. I reap the rewards without the work, two times! Josh went as Darth Vader, Buggy as Storm Shadow from G.I. Joe (not sure about the kung fu grip on this occasion!)
Bad: No one around to amuse me on Saturday or Sunday. Realization that for the best treat-fare, I have to get access to the small town, and not just down the street.
Friends' Adoption Fundraising
Good: They raised some good cash towards their goal, along with help from friends and family. See here for more information on how that went.
Bad: No one showed up with an extra $5-10,000 to boost their efforts over the top. Oh well.
College Football
Good: The Iowa Hawkeyes made an amazing comeback in the 4th quarter to win and maintain their perfect season, allowing them to stay at #4 in the BCS ratings
Bad: Oklahoma State couldn't take down the powerful Texas program, that would've allowed Iowa to move up, and whittle down potential national championship pairings.
NFL
Good: The Green Bay Packers lost (I've hated the team for years!)
Bad: Brett Favre won (I've hated him just as much as the Packers, his old team, for years)
Good: My 49ers broke Peyton Manning's streak of games in which he throws a touchdown pass
Bad: Indy still won, because their RUNNING BACK threw the go ahead/winning touchdown pass.
Work
Bad: I had to work a 12 hour shift. A 12 hour shift that was actually 13 hours long, because of the time changing back to standard time. I only get paid for 12.
Good: I didn't have a single disturbance or alarm to screw up my night the entire time, so it was a peaceful shift.
Trick-or-treating
Good: Kids went out for candy here on Friday night, and Sac City at my folks on Saturday night. I reap the rewards without the work, two times! Josh went as Darth Vader, Buggy as Storm Shadow from G.I. Joe (not sure about the kung fu grip on this occasion!)
Bad: No one around to amuse me on Saturday or Sunday. Realization that for the best treat-fare, I have to get access to the small town, and not just down the street.
Friends' Adoption Fundraising
Good: They raised some good cash towards their goal, along with help from friends and family. See here for more information on how that went.
Bad: No one showed up with an extra $5-10,000 to boost their efforts over the top. Oh well.
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