Well, after a long, hard fought competition, the Rent-a-Cop of the Year for 2009 is...... (okay so I haven't learned how to make a drum roll noise happen here, you need to do it yourself):
Colonel Beauregard Sterlng Lovell, Head of security at the Mookified Compound. What he did to earn this illustrious honor: took out Rent-a-Cop Manager of the Year 2008, Stew Holloway, when he came to check on the Colonel. After Manager Holloway stepped on his tail, The Colonel sprung into action with his cat-like reflexes, did a jiu jitsu leg sweep and then sprang at Manager Holloway's head, and biting him on the ear.
Let me be the first one to say, this contest was obviously rigged somewhere along the line, and by rigged, I mean NOT IN MY FAVOR!!! I was one of the 6 judges for the competition. Now before anyone asks how ethical it might be for me to be running for the award while being a judge...I invented the friggin award, so get over it. After hearing the announcement, I found the head judge, Manager Holloway, and asked for the breakdown on the votes. Apparently I was the only one who voted for me. Given my track record of excellent rentacopping, I was rather shocked at this. Apparently I didn't bribe the right people here. (In retrospect, bribing myself, a sure vote, was probably not worth the time, energy or cost that could've been invested in one of the other 5 judges).
Also upon hearing the news, newcomer and runner-up for the award, Trevor "Irish" McCarthy was also not pleased, and recently commented on his facebook about how he would be gracious, yet wished the Colonel harm, in hopes of taking his place. Irish was then informed that unlike other meritorious awards like Miss America (Irish also missed out on winning this one, after disparaging homosexuals rather blatantly when questioned by Perez Hilton- almost to the point of being arrested for his disturbances), there are no duties to the community or anything resembling service requirements associated with this award. Once you win, you win, and all losers (which I guess includes me) will just have to wait for next year in hopes of being bestowed with such high honors as the Rent-a-Cop of the Year Award.
It was however a very successful gala last evening. Lots of cavorting about drunk on jelly donut filling, or glaze, as well as highly intoximacated rentacops loaded with all sorts of liquor, and probably a few other things, like drain cleaner (Irish), windex (Manager Holloway), and the like (Me- not sure what it was...scrubbing bubbles maybe?).
At one point, all human rentacops vowed revenge on the Colonel for having upstaged them, a brawl ensued, we haven't seen the Colonel since, however we have all managed to be coated, inside and out, with his hair.
Three upstanding rentacops made citizen arrests on themselves for drunk and disorderly after having gone, not through the window in the midst of the fight, but managed to take out the wall itself, and land in the parking lot. One, is testifying both for and against himself in a trial set for just after the New Year. We haven't figured that one out yet. But, if you thought lawyers were full of shit, be prepared for this idiot rentacop to make you proud at his ability to upstage even the best of lawyers.
WE haven't seen Irish either. We last saw him bragging about his ability to maintain the fight while imbibing an entire 55-gallon drum full of Irish Whiskey, without being knocked out, or passing out. He's probably still somewhere in the rubble trying to get the last few drops down before the cleanup crew clears all the debris away, finds him, and kicks him out.
In all the drunken madness the Rent-a-Cop Manager of the Year award ended up going to former NPI supervisor Hayley Eash. She was not in attendance at the great gala, but received 5 out of 6 first place votes in the human poll. The Harris interactive computers had her at .945, while the AP computers had her as low as .796. BCS representatives were unable to explain these discrepancies, but did issue a statement to the effect that the system is what it is, and works effectively enough to determine a national championship. Somewhere, Congress is looking to investigate the BCS' role in determining not only college football, but also the Rent-a-Cop of the Year awards as well. Representative Barney Frank was clearly annoyed that after Manager Holloway stole the ladies swimwear event with style yet didn't win.
Either way it was fun, we were all drunk and/or in jail despite our supposing to have been on duty. Irish and the Colonel are AWOL....could be that Irish found the Colonel, and perpetrated that harm he wished and is off burying the body. But until he returns and files an incident report, details are sketchy at best. We're still a bit busy nursing our hangovers and in some cases, consoling their Bubbas as they get bailed out pending their hearings. If we ever recover any photos from the event we'll be sure to update you. If pictures of a few goats surface, don't judge us.
Showing posts with label college. Show all posts
Showing posts with label college. Show all posts
Monday, December 21, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Hawkeye Coach Kirk Ferentz Challenges Media Conspiracy
The Iowa Hawkeye football program is 9-0 this year, and currently holder of the second longest current winning streak in college football. Second only to the ever-popular Florida Gators. Slowly but surely, the Hawks have crept from obscurity to the #4 spot in the BCS rankings. The fan polls from last week, courtesy of ESPN, had them ranked 2nd. All the sportswriter polls had them ranked much lower. Sports commentators constantly speak of the luck Iowa is having in their victories. Other teams, engineering comeback drives, are being credit for their tenacity and persistence in a "strong showing" of why they are winners. Sure, Iowa has had to put together a lot of come from behind wins late in the game, more often than not this season.
Some critics have a few reasons for Iowa not getting the respect they deserve. Some say Iowa hasn't had a strong schedule. To that I say consider this: The Big Ten has more teams in the Top 25 BCS rankings than either the SEC or the Big 12, and as many as the Pac-10 conferences. The Big Ten is, and always has been, one of the most competitive conferences in division 1 football. Take the likes of Ohio State and Michigan, who despite any adveristy, are always tough teams to play for any opponent, and always stand a chance to take the BCS rankings by storm on any given year. Penn State, led by the coaching legend Joe Paterno, have joined them as Big-10 representatives for the BCS. Ranked #3 in the country earlier this year, they found themselves trampled by an explosive Iowa team.
Nonetheless, those "sports gods" we call professional commentators, no matter the network they represent, still play the popularity game. The SEC (think Florida, LSU and Alabama), the PAC-10 (USC and Oregon), the Big East (West Virginia and Cincinnati), the ACC (Miami and Virginia Tech), and the Big-12 (Texas and Oklahoma) always get automatic hype and all the love in the world for being the premier conferences with the best teams week in and week out. Not to take away from these teams and their records, many years, even with losses, they wil outrank other teams with perfect records. Take for instance, Boise State and Utah. The last few years they have put together phenomenal records. Even in their perfect seasons they were snubbed by BCS officials when it came time to talk Championship Games. All because they weren't affiliated with one of the "big 6" premier conferences. And in their sub-Bowl games, they embarassed their opponents from these supposed good conferences.
Back to Iowa. In the past they held the wrap from critics of not being a second half or 4th quarter team, and blowing leads they built in the first half to lose the game in the end. It seems Coach Ferentz gave them the pep talk to correct this. Only problem is, while playing great 2nd halfs, they forgot to include the first half as well. Once they solve this problem and decide to play quality football all 4 quarters, they will be one of THE teams in the nation to beat.
However, the media still has to overcome their preconceived notions. When it comes to Iowa, it is always described as more of a Cinderella season, the exception as opposed to the rule. Nothing short of a couple consecutive BCS championship game appearances, and/or victories will change this in their eyes. Many commentators as I mentioned call Iowa "lucky" with their comeback victories. Others say they aren't showing much for style. In the end, while I love a flashy game with lots of highlights, the mark in the WIN category is all that matters. It doesn't matter if the victory is by 1 point or 100, a win is a win. Iowa and their coach understand this. That being said, I think Coach Ferentz and the Hawkeyes, have specifically engineered a response. It may be subtle, and only certain sports fans with a greater understanding of the game of footbal itself can spot it.
Take these 3 instances:
Against Division II opponents Northern Iowa: UNI has to kick just one field goal to win the game over the Hawkeyes. The Hawks block the field goal attempt, but commit a penalty giving UNI one more chance. The Hawks dial it up and block a SECOND attempt. 2 Blocked field goals in a row to secure a victory???? If that isn't a stylish defense
In Iowa's 28 point 4th quarter against the Indiana Hoosiers, after throwing 5 interceptions (4 of them in the 3rd quarter alone), QB Ricky Stanzi throws back to back TD passes, one for 92 yards the following for 66 yds. Two plays (including one of these touchdown throws- #10, the other an 86 yd pinballed interception return for a touchdown- #1) made it into ESPN's Top Ten plays from Saturday. There's some style for you.
The week before, Stanzi throws a winning touchdown pass as time expires to beat Michigan State. any game that comes down to the last play is a good game, and being a necessary touchdown instead of a field goal, is only more exciting and a display of those "Style" points everyone wants shown.
Calling Iowa's playing style "ugly" may be partially true. But I think Ferentz is cooking up his own conspiracy to counter that of the media's. Screw around for 30-45 minutes, maybe score a a few points, but play half speed, rest up for the second half. Fumble the ball or throw an interception deep in your own territory. Then, show the other team your defense owns them anytime and anywhere. Let them have their field goals. We'll answer with a show of what touchdowns from a lot further away are all about. Wait awhile, then show the media, it isn't about ugly play, but giving the team some hopes and dreams of winning, and then using some style and flare to crush those dreams without mercy at the end. Iowa's opponents go from pure excitement to EPIC FAILURE!
And to answer the charge that the SEC is the conference. The last 4 bowl games Iowa played against an SEC team, Iowa won 3 of them. The hawks are guaranteed a bowl game this year. Just which one it is, is still up for debate. Ferentz isn't looking into his Bag o' Lucky, but his Bag o' Style this year, in hopes that sooner or later those yahoos from ESPN and everywhere else will realize that Iowa is for real. And in a national championship game, if not the victor, Iowa isnt a team that would lay down for any of these "powerhouses" they might face.
Some critics have a few reasons for Iowa not getting the respect they deserve. Some say Iowa hasn't had a strong schedule. To that I say consider this: The Big Ten has more teams in the Top 25 BCS rankings than either the SEC or the Big 12, and as many as the Pac-10 conferences. The Big Ten is, and always has been, one of the most competitive conferences in division 1 football. Take the likes of Ohio State and Michigan, who despite any adveristy, are always tough teams to play for any opponent, and always stand a chance to take the BCS rankings by storm on any given year. Penn State, led by the coaching legend Joe Paterno, have joined them as Big-10 representatives for the BCS. Ranked #3 in the country earlier this year, they found themselves trampled by an explosive Iowa team.
Nonetheless, those "sports gods" we call professional commentators, no matter the network they represent, still play the popularity game. The SEC (think Florida, LSU and Alabama), the PAC-10 (USC and Oregon), the Big East (West Virginia and Cincinnati), the ACC (Miami and Virginia Tech), and the Big-12 (Texas and Oklahoma) always get automatic hype and all the love in the world for being the premier conferences with the best teams week in and week out. Not to take away from these teams and their records, many years, even with losses, they wil outrank other teams with perfect records. Take for instance, Boise State and Utah. The last few years they have put together phenomenal records. Even in their perfect seasons they were snubbed by BCS officials when it came time to talk Championship Games. All because they weren't affiliated with one of the "big 6" premier conferences. And in their sub-Bowl games, they embarassed their opponents from these supposed good conferences.
Back to Iowa. In the past they held the wrap from critics of not being a second half or 4th quarter team, and blowing leads they built in the first half to lose the game in the end. It seems Coach Ferentz gave them the pep talk to correct this. Only problem is, while playing great 2nd halfs, they forgot to include the first half as well. Once they solve this problem and decide to play quality football all 4 quarters, they will be one of THE teams in the nation to beat.
However, the media still has to overcome their preconceived notions. When it comes to Iowa, it is always described as more of a Cinderella season, the exception as opposed to the rule. Nothing short of a couple consecutive BCS championship game appearances, and/or victories will change this in their eyes. Many commentators as I mentioned call Iowa "lucky" with their comeback victories. Others say they aren't showing much for style. In the end, while I love a flashy game with lots of highlights, the mark in the WIN category is all that matters. It doesn't matter if the victory is by 1 point or 100, a win is a win. Iowa and their coach understand this. That being said, I think Coach Ferentz and the Hawkeyes, have specifically engineered a response. It may be subtle, and only certain sports fans with a greater understanding of the game of footbal itself can spot it.
Take these 3 instances:
Against Division II opponents Northern Iowa: UNI has to kick just one field goal to win the game over the Hawkeyes. The Hawks block the field goal attempt, but commit a penalty giving UNI one more chance. The Hawks dial it up and block a SECOND attempt. 2 Blocked field goals in a row to secure a victory???? If that isn't a stylish defense
In Iowa's 28 point 4th quarter against the Indiana Hoosiers, after throwing 5 interceptions (4 of them in the 3rd quarter alone), QB Ricky Stanzi throws back to back TD passes, one for 92 yards the following for 66 yds. Two plays (including one of these touchdown throws- #10, the other an 86 yd pinballed interception return for a touchdown- #1) made it into ESPN's Top Ten plays from Saturday. There's some style for you.
The week before, Stanzi throws a winning touchdown pass as time expires to beat Michigan State. any game that comes down to the last play is a good game, and being a necessary touchdown instead of a field goal, is only more exciting and a display of those "Style" points everyone wants shown.
Calling Iowa's playing style "ugly" may be partially true. But I think Ferentz is cooking up his own conspiracy to counter that of the media's. Screw around for 30-45 minutes, maybe score a a few points, but play half speed, rest up for the second half. Fumble the ball or throw an interception deep in your own territory. Then, show the other team your defense owns them anytime and anywhere. Let them have their field goals. We'll answer with a show of what touchdowns from a lot further away are all about. Wait awhile, then show the media, it isn't about ugly play, but giving the team some hopes and dreams of winning, and then using some style and flare to crush those dreams without mercy at the end. Iowa's opponents go from pure excitement to EPIC FAILURE!
And to answer the charge that the SEC is the conference. The last 4 bowl games Iowa played against an SEC team, Iowa won 3 of them. The hawks are guaranteed a bowl game this year. Just which one it is, is still up for debate. Ferentz isn't looking into his Bag o' Lucky, but his Bag o' Style this year, in hopes that sooner or later those yahoos from ESPN and everywhere else will realize that Iowa is for real. And in a national championship game, if not the victor, Iowa isnt a team that would lay down for any of these "powerhouses" they might face.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Pro Football and Fan Disconnect
So, I'm a huge football fan. I've been watching it as far back as I can remember (no, not just three weeks ago). I started off my football days a San Francisco 49ers fan, probably because that was my dad's team (and most of his family for that matter, except his rogue sister Janet, who has relentless hung onto her Oakland teams), and remain so to this day. From the hayday of the 80s to the lower echelons of hell that my team likes to perform in now.
My view of football has changed in little ways over the years, but fundamentally the game remains my favorite overall. When I was young, for the most part your team remained the same, minus the retiring players, plus the incoming rookies. Free Agency was a newer concept. Now instead of playing for your team and your teammates, it seems that many play for the amount of dollar bills they can get. Sure, some want to, and will remain with their team regardless of other offers, and will retire from the game with the same team that drafted them, wihtout ever being traded off. I have even heard of some players voluntarily taking pay cuts to remain with their team, and/or to allow another player to come into the organization, all to satisfy this salary cap imposed on teams (which I have no problem with). But many these days will haggle over the difference of a couple million dollars over a couple years. Player A wants a contract that gives him $11million over 4 years. The Owner says "we'll give you $8million over 5 years." And somehow, this can be a bone of contention that causes the player to stay away from training camp, preseason practices and all that is involved.
Maybe I'm missing some bigger picture here, but it's $3million dollars difference. Personally, once I've hit the $5million dollar mark in life, I'd be pretty friggin happy for life. Yeah, I know what some of you are saying..."The contracts aren't guaranteed, if he gets hurt he loses out on the rest", or "$3million is a LOT of money."
And you'd be right on both counts. But while your career may be shorter, and you may take a lot of abuse over that time, any player that plays 5 years in general has made way more than your average person will in 40 years. I even understand that Player A saw that Player B for some other team, who isn't even as good as him, got a LOT more money, and he thinks he deserves as much. Whatever happened to the love of the game? I think the league minimum for a drafted rookie is in the $300,000+ range. Hell, I'd play an entire career on that salary if I were blessed with enough size and talent to play at such a level, but that's just me. I just like to play, compete and win. Because in the end, to me, winning is the whole point. Getting to gloat afterwards is of course part of the prize, which I am guilty of to many faults. (ask my wife, sister, pretty much anyone who has ever competed against me in anything)
These days, however, your team looks different, save a few key players, every single year. Your guy switches teams, now what do you do? Root for your favorite player or your favorite team?
And it comes from all sides, to be honest, when it comes to being a loyal fan to your team. The owners jack up ticket prices, vending prices, and everything else, making it harder to go see your team play, if your in or near one of the market cities. You have whiny millionaires who demand being traded, or made their bonuses and quit putting forth an absolute 100% effort every play of every game. And now, the next thing that has hit the big time, that puts fans themselves at fault:
FANTASY FOOTBALL!
You have people now who participate in these leagues (sometimes multiple simultaneously) religiously. I played last year, and it created some disconnect from following my team specifically. Yes, it gave me a sense of control when it comes to managing a team, but I found myself hoping this guy or that guy had a great game, even if they were playing against my team that week. I was no longer following my team, but rather a bunch of individual players that I had at my disposal. (on a personal note: out of 5 guys, I placed last...my guys underperformed when I had them starting, when I switched things up, they suddenly did well...good thing I didnt havemoney riding on it!)
SO this year, I decided to opt out of any fantasy league. Given the poor performance of my team over the last few years (more like 9 years), and the fact that they are on the west coast and I am located in the midwest, I don't see them on tv as much, so I have to follow the team through the box scores in the paper, or highlights on tv. But I have found myself following them a little better this year, despite all that, and the fact that with my current job, it intereferes with my sleep time on the weekends. GRRRRR.
I can only hope that they will again become a cohesive team that can rise out of the proverbial ashes and ascend to greatness once again. Then maybe they'll get more tv play, and then I can justify losing a little sleep to see them play.
Anyways, I'm all over the place with this post, so I'll continue with this directionless rant with a couple more things. Given the differences in the two levels, I have come to prefer the more pure sport of football at the college level over the money grubbers in the pros. A certain local state favorite in college play, the Iowa Hawkeyes, however are threatening to ruin that as well. The advent of the new BigTen Network which now shows there games, and has caused me to not see them on NETWORK TV has pissed me off as well. Why should I pay $40 or whatever it is to get cable, just to watch one channel during football season?
Football used to be a sport, but as with everything else, it is becoming more business than anything. And to me, that is the biggest ruination of the game. But, I shall forever remain a football fan, and shall continue to love my 49ers, even if they suck for the rest of eternity.
My view of football has changed in little ways over the years, but fundamentally the game remains my favorite overall. When I was young, for the most part your team remained the same, minus the retiring players, plus the incoming rookies. Free Agency was a newer concept. Now instead of playing for your team and your teammates, it seems that many play for the amount of dollar bills they can get. Sure, some want to, and will remain with their team regardless of other offers, and will retire from the game with the same team that drafted them, wihtout ever being traded off. I have even heard of some players voluntarily taking pay cuts to remain with their team, and/or to allow another player to come into the organization, all to satisfy this salary cap imposed on teams (which I have no problem with). But many these days will haggle over the difference of a couple million dollars over a couple years. Player A wants a contract that gives him $11million over 4 years. The Owner says "we'll give you $8million over 5 years." And somehow, this can be a bone of contention that causes the player to stay away from training camp, preseason practices and all that is involved.
Maybe I'm missing some bigger picture here, but it's $3million dollars difference. Personally, once I've hit the $5million dollar mark in life, I'd be pretty friggin happy for life. Yeah, I know what some of you are saying..."The contracts aren't guaranteed, if he gets hurt he loses out on the rest", or "$3million is a LOT of money."
And you'd be right on both counts. But while your career may be shorter, and you may take a lot of abuse over that time, any player that plays 5 years in general has made way more than your average person will in 40 years. I even understand that Player A saw that Player B for some other team, who isn't even as good as him, got a LOT more money, and he thinks he deserves as much. Whatever happened to the love of the game? I think the league minimum for a drafted rookie is in the $300,000+ range. Hell, I'd play an entire career on that salary if I were blessed with enough size and talent to play at such a level, but that's just me. I just like to play, compete and win. Because in the end, to me, winning is the whole point. Getting to gloat afterwards is of course part of the prize, which I am guilty of to many faults. (ask my wife, sister, pretty much anyone who has ever competed against me in anything)
These days, however, your team looks different, save a few key players, every single year. Your guy switches teams, now what do you do? Root for your favorite player or your favorite team?
And it comes from all sides, to be honest, when it comes to being a loyal fan to your team. The owners jack up ticket prices, vending prices, and everything else, making it harder to go see your team play, if your in or near one of the market cities. You have whiny millionaires who demand being traded, or made their bonuses and quit putting forth an absolute 100% effort every play of every game. And now, the next thing that has hit the big time, that puts fans themselves at fault:
FANTASY FOOTBALL!
You have people now who participate in these leagues (sometimes multiple simultaneously) religiously. I played last year, and it created some disconnect from following my team specifically. Yes, it gave me a sense of control when it comes to managing a team, but I found myself hoping this guy or that guy had a great game, even if they were playing against my team that week. I was no longer following my team, but rather a bunch of individual players that I had at my disposal. (on a personal note: out of 5 guys, I placed last...my guys underperformed when I had them starting, when I switched things up, they suddenly did well...good thing I didnt havemoney riding on it!)
SO this year, I decided to opt out of any fantasy league. Given the poor performance of my team over the last few years (more like 9 years), and the fact that they are on the west coast and I am located in the midwest, I don't see them on tv as much, so I have to follow the team through the box scores in the paper, or highlights on tv. But I have found myself following them a little better this year, despite all that, and the fact that with my current job, it intereferes with my sleep time on the weekends. GRRRRR.
I can only hope that they will again become a cohesive team that can rise out of the proverbial ashes and ascend to greatness once again. Then maybe they'll get more tv play, and then I can justify losing a little sleep to see them play.
Anyways, I'm all over the place with this post, so I'll continue with this directionless rant with a couple more things. Given the differences in the two levels, I have come to prefer the more pure sport of football at the college level over the money grubbers in the pros. A certain local state favorite in college play, the Iowa Hawkeyes, however are threatening to ruin that as well. The advent of the new BigTen Network which now shows there games, and has caused me to not see them on NETWORK TV has pissed me off as well. Why should I pay $40 or whatever it is to get cable, just to watch one channel during football season?
Football used to be a sport, but as with everything else, it is becoming more business than anything. And to me, that is the biggest ruination of the game. But, I shall forever remain a football fan, and shall continue to love my 49ers, even if they suck for the rest of eternity.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)