Spinning My Wheels

Today I finally went to have my tire fixed. I ran over a nail two weeks ago, and have just put up with having to add a little air to replace what was lost by a super slow leak. But today, I decided I might as well get it taken care of before I go and ruin the tire completely at some point while out driving. Knowing my luck this would happen only when its really cold, really snowing, or pouring down rain like during the Noahic Flood. I figured while I was there I'd have them replace my wiper blades, since those things are in tatters. The guy comes back after 15 minutes, and tells me the wiper blades for my car are not in their stock. Apparently my car, a Saturn Aura, takes some sort of special blades, and they cost $24 a piece. Now I'm not the most mechanical guy in the world, as anyone who knows me will tell you. But c'mon $24 PER blade?? Special kind of wiper blade?

It's a friggin Saturn, it's a goddamn GM product. It's barely any different from a Chevy Malibu. The blades are just a simple piece of rubber. $24?!?!?!? You have got to be kidding me. My wallet, made of leather, costs less than that, and is clearly much more fragile than those wiper blades given the size of my paychecks, and the motherfuckers are trying to ruin my shit $24 at a time. I told them I'd look elsewhere rather than let them triple my bill for fixing my tire. Almost two hours, they remove a nail from my tire and do the patch job...after tax: $21.09. To add two wipers THAT THEY'D HAVE TO ORDER AND MAKE ME COME BACK: an additional $48 plus tax. You've got to be fucking kidding me. Speaking of ruining my shit...

The Colonel. He ruins the fine mass crafted cheap ass wood veneer that substitutes for a good door frame. He likes to use his claws on everything. The frames, the couch, the chair, the friggin carpet, my arms, hands, legs. I finally clipped his front nails... he's still a pain in the ass, but at least he doesn't hook into my skin as much and tear out half my forearm on a mere swipe of the claws. And it's not just his claws that ruin things. His bathroom habits are quite noticeable. The cat craps out his own body weight a day, even if he doesn't eat much. His piss could be used to melt through locked steel doors. It all has the great superpower of being able to overpower kitty litter of all brands. I have yet to find a quality brand that does the job they say they do. Odor reducing (I'm scared to think how bad it would be before hitting the odor reducing stuff), indoor, multiple cats (he poops enough for a bakers dozen worth of the little mangy bastards), clumping (his piss creates huge wet, smelly useless bricks of litter), spring fresh stepping kitty excrement killing sand powder. Doesn't matter. They all fail miserably. That's right, my cat is so powerful his poop and pee have reduced all of our scientific know-how in odor reducing to ashes. Yes, I have a small apartment, with relatively little ventilation, but you'd think we have something that would kill the odor. And CAT HAIR...fuck. This cat sheds enough hair to outfit 3 Chemo patients with a new wig, EACH DAY. And he doesn't look like he has lost a single hair. Until you look at my recliner, the couch, my fuzzy sweatshirt, the horse blanket on my bed, every damn spot he curls up on the carpet. Pet the little bastard and your hand looks more like that of the Abominable Snowman rather than a normal human hand!

I have joked about exiling my executive officer, but it's all been jokes up to this point. Some days I look at all the shit he ruins and I'm about ready to give him the boot. But, sadly, I like the Colonel too much to just give him up. He has his own unique personality, and I don't think too many people would really and truly "get" the Colonel and what he's about. He'd need a patient and understanding family to deal with, and probably on a two week probationary period of ownership just so he can get used to them and the new environment, while they get to find out if they really do have the patience to deal with a feline so pretentious he gave himself the title and name, Colonel Beauregard Sterling Lovell.

As a kitten, it was he who said this would be his name. I didn't think of that on my own. Sure, I may be creative, but that is just a bit beyond my bullshit-stretching abilities. The cat really does think that highly of himself. So he sheds, shits and claws the crap out of everything...because ultimately its his home, and I'm just allowed to remain here to feed him, offer myself up as a scratching post, and to pet him when he feels the need. But hey... looking on the bright side, at least he doesn't have fleas...anymore.

And Mother Nature has apparently decided to fuck with me too. Yesterday was beautiful out. Sunny, warm. Today is sunny, cooler but not too bad, but with a bit of a wind. Tomorrow will cool down a bit more...and on thru the weekend, into rain, then snow on Monday and friggin COLD! Apparently Mother Nature doesn't give a damn about that overgrown beaver seeing his shadow or not. It's Iowa and we WILL have winter...ALL OF IT! She decided to warm thing sup a bit, just to melt some stuff down and prepare the rivers and creeks to flood like crazy. Then, just to be on the safe side...lets add more rain and snow on top of it. Oh, and let's make sure that I have to work when it all goes to shit. Cuz I love working in crappy weather...yeah that's it.

Oh, and as has been mentioned in other forums, and is quite apparent from previous pictures of me, I rarely make a photo's quality go up by virtue of having my mug in it. A friend went through hundreds of physical photos and we found 3 acceptable ones of me. Couple of them 9-11 years old, and one that is maybe in the last 3 or 4 yrs. Nothing much in that department as far as new stuff that would qualify me as a photogenic face. I have a digital camera I got from my mom, but it needed batteries. The cheap alkaline ones pretty much die by the mere act of putting them in the camera. Last week while taking the boys to use some gift cards from Christmas, I bought some lithium batteries. I watched them go into the bag. I saw them here when I got home. And now I can't find the damn things ANY where. I didn't even open up the package. They just grew legs and walked out of here...of that I am convinced. So now I have to go out and buy some more, and then find someone who's good at tricking a camera into taking good pictures, so I can get something new to throw up that doesn't seem to emphasize my double chin, closed eyes, or some creepy look on my face. You know, so I can maybe convince someone or another that I might actually be normal...well at least until they actually talk to me. But I can at least fake out the facebook friends who've never met me as of yet.

After The Turkey Tried To Kill Me In My Sleep

So last night, as I embarked on a 12 hour workshift for the holiday, I was looking forward to a homecooked meal provided by my boss's wife. Turkey, stuffing, pumpkin pie, and a few other sides. I ate too much. This usually happens whenever I'm served copious amounts of food. I feel the need to eat and appreciate it all til the last bite is swallowed down. Savoring it, or saving any for later is not in my vocabulary. However, when it comes to the turkey, this feast is followed by a much more devious enemy...turkey coma. I spent the final 8 hours of my shift trying to fight off the urge to sleep continuously. When you're behind the wheel, that is not necessarily a good thing. But I have managed to fight it off, and am still up in the middle of the following afternoon, hopped up on coffee.

My wife and kids spent their day with my parents and other family friends, and tomorrow will set off to go to her parents' place. I will be left home alone apparently, again. Peace and quiet, save the occasional psychotic episodes by The Colonel, and the inevitable ringing of the phone. Time for some book reading, maybe some writing (with actual pen and paper since the computer is trashed), time to think and all that stuff.

I have a lot of stuff on my mind, so I suppose the time left alone would be good to get that all out of my system, even if that is all that can be done about most any of it. I'd like to go up to my in-laws, but somehow I don't see that happening, since I work at 8pm on Sunday night and would limit the wife's time in visiting with her family. So, I'll just hold out for any possible leftovers being sent back for me. I like food, especially good food, which seems to be a specialty from my wife's family tree.

Let's see, what else? Oh, Buggy wrote his own book, added front and back covers (all torn out lined notebook paper), stapled it together...both sides. Josh is as active as ever, and while he'll come in when he gets cold (has more sense than I did as a kid), he still goes out when its too cold for me (apparently cold weather sucks more when you get older as compared to childhood). Wife has her new car, and is getting acquainted with her new job day by day. Um, computer is still dead as I mentioned before, however, I'm being sent a laptop on loan by my mother to hold us over until a new desktop is acquired, so I wont always have to use up the gas in my car or expose myself to the weather just to come to the library to get online. So that's always good. And of course, now with the wife having her car, I'm free to go anywhere I want for job searches, not just within foot or bicycle distance. Maybe I can get more money, and possibly better hours eventually for fulltime work. Then I can hang out with my family a little more often...well, that is if they don't go into shock from seeing me and send me away so as not to disturb their peaceful surroundings!

Thanksgiving Eve

Okay, so for those of you who don't know, my home computer crashed this past weekend. I am thankful for this opportunity in a not so enthused manner, that it might teach me to quit thinking about hard drive backup systems, and actually get the stuff backed up! Too many photos over the last 10 years on there that are too precious and memory filled to be losing! So I am currently at the public library up the road, and will continue to check in occasionally from here, until more suitable arrangements can be taken care of. That's also why this post will come today and not tomorrow...since the library will be closed and all.

So today, I get to be thankful for a lot of things. I am thankful first and foremost for my wife, who has put up with me for close to 14 years, just over 10 of them as my wife. I am also thankful to her for giving me two beautiful and exciting boys! I am thankful for those boys, for the joy and the little life lessons they teach me everyday (mostly patience! just kidding). I'm also thankful for her new vehicle...I now have permission to drive myself to and from work, and anywhere else I'd like to go! Luv ya honey!

I am thankful, that after a long wait, my best friend from childhood, Jed, and his wife, Naomi, have finally come to realize their dream of parenthood. Oh, the joys and newfound ways to become completely exhausted mentally and physically shall be great. Mostly to those of us who get to see/hear about it! So you two better be thankful for any nap you can squeeze in.

I am thankful that my cat will be around to keep me company over the holiday and guard the apartment while I sleep between shifts.

I am thankful to my parents, our family friend Doc, and to her parents, for providing a place for my wife and kids to experience some real Thanksgiving get togethers.

I am thankful for Swanson, or Banquet, or whoever provides me with a delectable imitation Thanksgiving meal that takes approximately 22-28 minutes to prepare in the oven, or a total of 5-6 1/2 minutes in the microwave. And also to Anderson-Erickson daireis, for the egg nog they put out each year that I will enjoy with the aforementioned meal. And no worries, I will remember to give thanks to the Lord before I dig into this meal. Partially for seeing to it that I get somethign to eat, as well as the thankfulness for not having blown myself, the oven, and/or the food up before I could eat it (the food not the oven).

I am thankful for the troops serving, especially my buddies Trevor and Gerry who are pre-deployed and deployed, may God look over them and bring them all back home safe.

I am also thankful for my readers and their occasional comments. While I write this stuff mostly for my own amusement, it is nice to see people read my writing and think well enough of some of it to say something.

The Ups and Downs Of Mookism

The problem with being the great and powerful Mook is that it has some ups, but is definitely set up for big downers. The great thing about Mookism is that when things go well, my ego is fed, heartily. When my critics react to me and any shortcomings, I chalk it up to how much I and my opinions matter, and therefore my ego is fed- again heartily. Now, if I could only convince others that I am a world superpower all by myself (and the aid of the Colonel- Rentacop of the Year, 2009)

This last Saturday, we were preparing to have a get together with another couple for a nice dinner at our place. My wife was busy in the kitchen trying her hand at a nice creole-themed feast. I on the other hand was busy cleaning up in the living room while doing laundry. I took one look at the desk area where this very computer I am typing on sits. The Colonel is back behind the tower, along with a lot of wires, dust, random papers that needed to be sorted through, and bits and pieces of god only knows it needs to be vacuumed up.

I shut down the computer. Then I unplugged the tower from everything and moved it and all the wires out of the way so that I could do a little dusting and then vacuum the carpet. Seems simple enough and goes by quickly. Then I take all the wires, plug them back in where they go and replace the tower to its normal position. I commence to turn on the computer. It starts up, makes some funny beeping noises like a warning and then shuts itself down. I try again with the same result. I bother my wife, the closest person to a tech guru of the household, and she tries the same thing, jiggles a few wires after an inspection, and we try again. Same results.


It turns out that I am the only person in the western hemisphere who can kill a computer without actually doing anything wrong. I am beginning to think someone has set the Mook up for a dismal failure. Either to stick it to my fragile ego, or to cause me to stimulate the economy by hiring a tech support guy to standby just in case I want to use the computer. This way, he can fix it after each keystroke or movement of the mouse I make.

So, great, we have no access to the computer over the weekend. This is both good and bad. It is good in that I can spend more time reading an actual book a little more often. Also both my wife and I are not wasting time messing around on Facebook or whatever site we choose to visit. (Editor's note: visiting this site and my blog family however are important sites not seen as time wasters. Thank you readers for visiting. Please check out the gift shop before you leave). So we spent some time playing card games, and also a board game with the kids. This is good time spent when everyone is home alone. HOWEVER, not having access to the computer is bad in that it takes away my excuses to avoid actual productive work during the daytime when I'm left home alone during the week.

Now, being the all powerful Mook that I am, this problem was going to require some real genius work on my behalf. So, Monday morning comes rolling around. I get home from work and the wife leaves. I had two plans of action, as a man always does. The first plan was to jiggle wire connections, stare at the box contemplatively, and push buttons. Plan B was to take a screwdriver to the tower, open it up and stare at the innards as though I have some sort of clue as to what I'm looking at inside.

I jiggled, I flipped a switch, I pushed a button. Nothing. I flipped the switch back, pushed the power button again, and VOILA! Computer is on. Had to check with tech support (aka my wife) as to why the keyboard wasn't working. Got that going, found everything was okay with our files. I informed her then of what Plan B was. I think the schism that occurred in her brain almost caused her to wreck. I was assured that had I opened the box, I would be in for a lobotomy via my rear end and her foot. Not her words, but that was the message I heard. Good thing Plan A worked, because I would've been clueless anyways, and and just more than slightly physically re-arranged afterwards.

So, it turns out I don't need a personal standby tech support guy to help me out. I just have to commence jiggling wires, pushing buttons and staring at the electronic stuff until it does what I want it to do. Like the men who stare at goats and kill them, I obviously have the mental powers to stare at electronics and fix them. It's when I touch them that they die. The Force must be really strong in me. Not sure how strong. Probably equivalent to the amount of strength in a small pony at least (thank you Eddie Izzard for this line).

So, if you have anything that needs to be stared (or is it scared when having to look at my face?) into working right, bring it on over. I'll act as though I know what I'm doing. Kind of like a guy who is trying to be manly in front of some poor helpless woman stranded by a P.O.S. car, thinking he'll get a date out of the deal or something. But don't bring a car by. I have not honed the Force well enough to fix objects that big. I've been doing that for years without any luck. so far, Mookism has a better shot at killing a car than fixing one. So technically I'm still more powerful than they are, but just in one way.

Oh, and in case you were wondering. My wife did a fantastic job on the dinner that night. I don't know about the guests, but I could certainly get full on that stuff every night and add some more weight onto my little frame. It's probably best that I don't though. I might get used to it, then having to give it up after ballooning to 400lbs or more, I might go through withdrawals and THAT would be bad. I would kill more than computers to say the least. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pour myself a 4th cup of coffee.