"War Over!" Colonel B.S. Lovell Proclaims

A MESSAGE FROM OUR COLONEL
This past weekend, our forces responded to the recent inflammation of insurgent terrorist pests. Our initial offensive failed the week before. This time, we responded with absolute reckless abandon, exercising our "nuclear option" wreaking havoc throughout the entire Mookist domain.

Subjecting terrorists to a soapy waterboarding session proved to be the initial step towards eradicating the pestilent forces. I, Colonel Beauregard Sterling Lovell, under the guidance of General Mookie, subjected myself to this treatment. High stress levels, and loss of much hair resulted from the chemical bath. However, this was necessary in our fight to maintain our freedom from filthy bugs. We had to send a message that no measure is too costly; that we would not be deterred by weakness of any sort. After an evacuation from the interior Mookist headquarters, I nearly suffered hypothermia, but rest assured, I have recovered fully. Hair loss is still there, but has reduced itself to almost pre-treatment levels of natural shedding.
While in recovery, The General, and my other pet humans he calls the family, took out the laundry for a four hour species-cleansing event, while unleashing 3 fully powered flea bombs designed to fully eradicate the Mookist territory of all pests. With a total combined "saturation capability" of 15,000 cubic feet, the 5680 cubic feet zone of occupation was more than fully affected with our state of the art weaponry.

Upon arrival from the laundry zone, General Mookie oversaw a sweep and destroy mission to completely flush out any possible hidden surviving terrorists, culminating in the balcony drop of the tv/sleep facilitating "big brown couch". As luxurious as this piece of furniture was, it was identified as a possible stronghold for more terrorist cells to flourish. The General's wife demanded its removal from the Mookified State, and thusly, it met a nice 12 foot freefall to death, and eventually to the dumpster. More spraying, more vaccuuming, blah blah blah....the threat assessment has been dropped from full alert to normal peacetime levels.

Outfitted with my Collar of Valor, I have volunteered to be reimmersed within the week to ensure the end of surviving cells once and for all.
And to you, fellow felines, and your lesser human counterparts, it is with great pride that I, Colonel Beauregard Sterling Lovell announce that by staying the course, we have achieved victory. We will try to schedule a victory parade sometime int he near future. For those unable to attend, we will try to attain Jay Burns video making services to put it on YouTube for you all to see. Thank you again for your patience and support throughout this conflict. It truly made the difference knowing that you all shared our desire for liberty and freedom.

Global Raining Will Kill Us All

With the debate about the supposedly undebatable Global Warming issue,heating up, allow me to present to you another undebatable subject: Global Raining!

All over the globe, rain has been falling in massive amounts. Where it isn't coming down like the Noahic Flood, it is still coming down, only in lesser amounts. Gobal Warming's effect which caused one of the coldest years in history since 1900 (due to the fact that global warming apparently includes global cooling...who knew?), giving us an extended winter, especially within the Midwestern United States, Spring is finally arriving over a month late. Rain having fallen locally in Iowa area 75% of the days since March 20th, the official start of Spring.

With so much rain falling, causing flooding that has not subsided along the Mississippi River near Burlington since the ice melt, and intermittent flooding in other areas, Global raining has shown its ugly face, destroying immediately property, cropland, as well as businesses and housing, occasionally causing death as well.

Crop planting is under 50% of where it should be in Iowa as of today. Without full crop sewing, the reaping will also be less and/or delayed greatly. This will increase the price of an already questionable Ethanol product, which has gained popularity in the Midwestern states and amongst the "Greenies". Also, the effects on food corn, and other crops such as soybeans will cause dramatic effects on prices, and supply. In order to maintain fuel crops to be competitive, more and more subsidies will have to be lent by state and federal governments, and thusly, American taxpayers.
With fuel costs rising, mass violence is predicted int eh form of riots with at least 1438478 billion participants in Iowa alone, nevermind the remainder of the country. We would include the world in these riots, but they would have been food based riots, however, would-be rioters have already been predicted to starve to death prior to rioting.
Now, before you all jump on the bandwagon that this is merely localized, notice the rainfall causing mudslides in the Phillipines, Cyclones in Myanmar that have rain associated with them. Yes that's right...rain including groundswell based rain in the form of rising tides due to storms.
Rain filled up massive resevoirs in China. Resevoirs who's dams have been damaged not only by time and increased water pressure, but the recent earthquake as well. My team of researchers is still working on how rain caused the earthquake, but be not alarmed, we will make the connection no matter how ludicrous.
Also, we have determined that this is your fault. If you hadn't run so much water, and sweated so much during the hot times, evaporation would've picked up less water to drop down on the world's population in the form of this deadly rain.
But..WE DO HAVE A SOLUTION! First off, it includes sending cash to Mookie (future President in 2016! and former pale superhero). Sorry no checks or credit cards, just plain old cold hard cash. WE (my other personalities and myself) have set up a special account to deal with issues as we see fit. We can't surrently release teh details for reasons of, um...national security? But we assure you we will do all we can to make sure you are not taken out by this deadly and undeniable global phenomenon. In the meantime, while we await your voluntary contributions (do NOT make us involve the U.N. to impose this upon you), we'll be out filling up our new pool and watering our lawn with no less than 3 billion cubic meters of water....recycled from the recent downpours of course..because we care we wont use NEW water. That, and with an hour's break from the toreential downpours, we don't want the grass to die. Thank you in advance for your support!

A list of what global warming is responsible for

Over the years many things have happened that have been credited to the effects of global warming. Here’s a list below. You’ll notice in places that global warming has caused one thing, and then turned around and blamed for the opposite result as well....Your thoughts?

A complete list of things caused by global warming

Acne, agricultural land increase, Afghan poppies destroyed, Africa devastated, African aid threatened, Africa in conflict, aggressive weeds, air pressure changes, Alaska reshaped, allergies increase, Alps melting, Amazon a desert, American dream end, amphibians breeding earlier (or not), anaphylactic reactions to bee stings, ancient forests dramatically changed, animals head for the hills, Antarctic grass flourishes, Antarctic ice grows, Antarctic ice shrinks, Antarctic sea life at risk, anxiety treatment, algal blooms, archaeological sites threatened, Arctic bogs melt, Arctic in bloom, Arctic ice free, Arctic lakes disappear, Arctic tundra to burn, Atlantic less salty, Atlantic more salty, atmospheric circulation modified, attack of the killer jellyfish, avalanches reduced, avalanches increased, Baghdad snow, Bahrain under water, bananas grow, beer shortage, beetle infestation, bet for $10,000, better beer, big melt faster, billion dollar research projects, billions face risk, billions of deaths, bird distributions change, bird visitors drop, birds confused, birds return early, birds driven north, bittern boom ends, blackbirds stop singing, blizzards, blue mussels return, bluetongue, brains shrink, bridge collapse (Minneapolis), Britain Siberian, British gardens change, brothels struggle, brown Ireland, bubonic plague, budget increases, Buddhist temple threatened, building collapse, building season extension, bushfires, business opportunities, business risks, butterflies move north, camel deaths, cancer deaths in England, cannibalism, cataracts, caterpillar biomass shift, cave paintings threatened, childhood insomnia, Cholera, circumcision in decline, cirrus disappearance, civil unrest, cloud increase, cloud stripping, cockroach migration, coffee threatened, cold climate creatures survive, cold spells (Australia), cold wave (India), computer models, conferences, conflict, conflict with Russia, consumers foot the bill, coral bleaching, coral reefs dying, coral reefs grow, coral reefs shrink , cost of trillions, cougar attacks, cradle of civilisation threatened, crime increase, crocodile sex, crops devastated, crumbling roads, buildings and sewage systems, curriculum change, cyclones (Australia), danger to kid’s health, Darfur, Dartford Warbler plague, death rate increase (US), Dengue hemorrhagic fever, depression, desert advance, desert retreat, destruction of the environment, disappearance of coastal cities, diseases move north, Dolomites collapse, drought, ducks and geese decline, dust bowl in the corn belt, early marriages, early spring, earlier pollen season, Earth biodiversity crisis, Earth dying, Earth even hotter, Earth light dimming, Earth lopsided, Earth melting, Earth morbid fever, Earth on fast track, Earth past point of no return, Earth slowing down, Earth spins faster, Earth to explode, earth upside down, Earth wobbling, earthquakes, El Niño intensification, end of the world as we know it, erosion, emerging infections, encephalitis, English villages lost, equality threatened, Europe simultaneously baking and freezing, eutrophication, evolution accelerating, expansion of university climate groups, extinctions (human, civilisation, logic, Inuit, smallest butterfly, cod, ladybirds, pikas, polar bears, gorillas, walrus, whales, frogs, toads, plants, salmon, trout, wild flowers, woodlice, penguins, a million species, half of all animal and plant species, mountain species, not polar bears, barrier reef, leaches), experts muzzled, extreme changes to California, fading fall foliage, fainting, famine, farmers go under, fashion disaster, fever,figurehead sacked, fir cone bonanza, fish catches drop, fish downsize, fish catches rise, fish deaf, fish get lost, fish stocks at risk, fish stocks decline, five million illnesses, flesh eating disease, flood patterns change, floods, floods of beaches and cities, flood of migrants, flood preparation for crisis, Florida economic decline, flowers in peril, food poisoning, food prices rise, food prices soar, food security threat (SA), footpath erosion, forest decline, forest expansion, frog with extra heads, frostbite, frost damage increased, frosts, fungi fruitful, fungi invasion, games change, Garden of Eden wilts, genetic diversity decline, gene pools slashed, giant oysters invade, giant pythons invade, giant squid migrate, gingerbread houses collapse, glacial earthquakes, glacial retreat, glacial growth, glacier wrapped, global cooling, global dimming, glowing clouds, god melts, golf Masters wrecked, Gore omnipresence, grandstanding, grasslands wetter, Great Barrier Reef 95% dead, Great Lakes drop, greening of the North, Grey whales lose weight, Gulf Stream failure, habitat loss, Hantavirus pulmonary syndrome, harmful algae, harvest increase, harvest shrinkage, hay fever epidemic, health affected, health of children harmed, heart disease, heart attacks and strokes (Australia), heat waves, hibernation affected, hibernation ends too soon, hibernation ends too late, homeless 50 million, hornets, high court debates, human development faces unprecedented reversal, human fertility reduced, human health improvement, human health risk, human race oblivion, hurricanes, hurricane reduction, hydropower problems, hyperthermia deaths, ice sheet growth, ice sheet shrinkage, ice shelf collapse, illness and death, inclement weather, India drowning, infrastructure failure (Canada), industry threatened, infectious diseases, inflation in China, insect explosion, insurance premium rises, Inuit displacement, Inuit poisoned, Inuit suing, invasion of cats, invasion of herons, invasion of jellyfish, invasion of midges, island disappears, islands sinking, itchier poison ivy, jellyfish explosion, jets fall from sky, jet stream drifts north, Kew Gardens taxed, killing us, kitten boom, krill decline, lake and stream productivity decline, lake empties, lake shrinking and growing, landslides, landslides of ice at 140 mph, lawsuits increase, lawsuit successful, lawyers’ income increased (surprise surprise!), lives saved, Loch Ness monster dead, lush growth in rain forests, Malaria, mammoth dung melt, Maple production advanced, Maple syrup shortage, marine diseases, marine food chain decimated, Meaching (end of the world), Mediterranean rises, megacryometeors, Melanoma, methane emissions from plants, methane burps, methane runaway, melting permafrost, Middle Kingdom convulses, migration, migration difficult (birds), migratory birds huge losses, microbes to decompose soil carbon more rapidly, minorities hit, monkeys on the move, Mont Blanc grows, monuments imperiled, moose dying, more bad air days, more research needed, mortality increased, mountain (Everest) shrinking, mountains break up, mountains melting, mountains taller, mortality lower, narwhals at risk, National security implications, natural disasters quadruple, new islands, next ice age, NFL threatened, Nile delta damaged, noctilucent clouds, no effect in India, Northwest Passage opened, nuclear plants bloom, oaks dying, oaks move north, ocean acidification, ocean deserts expand, ocean waves speed up, opera house to be destroyed, outdoor hockey threatened, ozone repair slowed, ozone rise, Pacific dead zone, personal carbon rationing, pest outbreaks, pests increase, phenology shifts, plankton blooms, plankton destabilised, plankton loss, plant viruses, plants march north, polar bears aggressive, polar bears cannibalistic, polar bears drowning, polar bears starve, polar tours scrapped, popcorn rise, porpoise astray, profits collapse, psychiatric illness, puffin decline, railroad tracks deformed, rainfall increase, rape wave, refugees, release of ancient frozen viruses, resorts disappear, rice threatened, rice yields crash, rift on Capitol Hill, rioting and nuclear war, river flow impacted, rivers raised, roads wear out, robins rampant, rocky peaks crack apart, roof of the world a desert, rooftop bars, Ross river disease, ruins ruined, salinity reduction, salinity increase, Salmonella, satellites accelerate, school closures, sea level rise, sea level rise faster, seals mating more, sewer bills rise, severe thunderstorms, sex change, sharks booming, sharks moving north, sheep shrink, shop closures, short-nosed dogs endangered, shrinking ponds, shrinking shrine, ski resorts threatened, skin cancer, slow death, smaller brains, smog, snowfall increase, snowfall heavy, snowfall reduction, soaring food prices, societal collapse, songbirds change eating habits, sour grapes, space problem, spectacular orchids, spiders invade Scotland, squid aggressive giants, squid population explosion, squirrels reproduce earlier, storms wetter, stormwater drains stressed, street crime to increase, subsidence, suicide, swordfish in the Baltic, Tabasco tragedy, taxes, tectonic plate movement, teenage drinking, terrorism, threat to peace, ticks move northward (Sweden), tides rise, tornado outbreak, tourism increase, trade barriers, trade winds weakened, transportation threatened, tree foliage increase (UK), tree growth slowed,, trees could return to Antarctic, trees in trouble, trees less colourful, trees more colourful, trees lush, tropics expansion, tropopause raised, truffle shortage, turtles crash, turtles lay earlier, UK coastal impact, UK Katrina, Vampire moths, Venice flooded, volcanic eruptions, walrus pups orphaned, walrus stampede, war, wars over water, wars sparked, wars threaten billions, water bills double, water supply unreliability, water scarcity (20% of increase), water stress, weather out of its mind, weather patterns awry, weeds, Western aid cancelled out, West Nile fever, whales move north, wheat yields crushed in Australia, wildfires, wind shift, wind reduced, wine - harm to Australian industry, wine industry damage (California), wine industry disaster (US), wine - more English, wine -German boon, wine - no more French , wine passé (Napa), winters in Britain colder, winter in Britain dead, witchcraft executions, wolves eat more moose, wolves eat less, workers laid off, World at war, World bankruptcy, World in crisis, World in flames, Yellow fever.

and all on 0.006 deg C per year!