NO GAY SEX! (unless you have a LOT of cash to fork over)

So here I am, sitting here at the computer wasting time on Facebook, and going back and forth looking at other pages. Along with Google, my spam mail is promising money left and right. Payday loans, bad credit loans worth more than I've ever had at any one time, free grants the government is just going to pay me to sit here on my ass.

So sure, I can definitely use more money. Not at 3500% interest or whatever, and I'm certainly not sending in $45 (normally $245, but I'm getting a special deal! they must know how awesome I am) to get my free information kit on how to make $1000s a day just like this guru with his fancy webpage and video of him driving nice cars. The whole thing on facebook of bill gates or some random ass lottery winner saying they will give you free money if you share the post and just ask for it...talk about a joke.

First off, Bill Gates isn't giving me money. Secondly, despite being part of the Giving Pledge thing a bunch of billionaires put together as their own little charitable club they belong to (I suspect mostly to make them feel better about themselves in a public relations sense), these guys aren't giving money away to regular people. They are looking at "legitimate" charities. I suspect they have a hand in running some of those charities to begin with, which is almost ridiculous if you ask me. That's more like a tax write off without actually losing a penny.

I tend to peruse the job ads from time to time, and I've found out hard work often pays less than everything else. A 16 year old ditz in high school speaking on the phone using a pre-written script to work from actually makes more money than most jobs I see where manual labor is actually involved for some guy just trying to support his family. And it's also amazing how many jobs now require a college education just to get some job that pays less than $30,000 a year! What the hell is THAT? Is the state of our public education system so bad that you need college just to get you closer to a simple wage that's high enough to pay the bills of a mediocre lifestyle? And what's with all the staffing companies? Every corporation out there is working with a bunch of $10-$15/hr workers who aren't really working FOR the company. Don't get me wrong, a lot of those people do great work, and for some that's the only way to get work. I guess it's better to float the CEO's pay when you underpay everyone and don't have to offer them perks...

Now, I don't have much in the way of job skills. I was the 16 year old ditz on the phone, I sided houses for awhile, I did security work, and I've worked in restaurants. None of which paid all that well. Sometimes I worked very hard at those jobs, but a lot of the time I kind of slacked off and just did what needed to be done without anything extra. Why? Because it didn't really matter much. Months of hard work resulted in me making no more than some guy who spent his entire day jerking off. Sometimes I made even less than those guys who didn't know their head from their ass, and I was picking up their slack. But it seemed my low wage was barely able to be afforded by the boss, so no raise for me or anyone else. Now don't mind me, I'm just venting, the entire point of this article isn't to complain, I just lost focus for a bit...and I'm too lazy to delete all that wasted effort.

These days I'm still trying to figure out how to make more money. A substantial amount to be exact, not just something to get me by for the next week or so. I'm talking about random ass jobs for good money. And I've decided I have VERY FEW caveats. You pick the job, task, etc- minus the caveats listed below- and we'll talk.

1) I will NOT kill anyone for cash (although I might maim someone for the right price- which also means you footing the lawyer fees). If you want me to be your killing dummy, we do the cash ahead of time of course so I can get the money to the wife and kids first. Then I'll be your huckleberry.

2) I will NOT let a bull charge me and ram me right in the gonads...or take a baseball bat there. Plain and simple: no nut shots that could result in permanent damage!

I mean c'mon, I'm pretty dumb, I'll admit that. But I'm not COMPLETELY insane!

3) NO GAY SEX (unless you're coming with something like a million bucks or more, I'm thinking closer to $10 million, but we can negotiate- AND that gets no publicity- save that for Dallas Cowboy fans)

Other than that I'm pretty much game. I'll drive you around town, do your shopping, you name it. You want your house demolished, re-drywalled or burned down, I'm your guy. You want me to clean your house in some odd looking outfit (or no outfit at all) while you videotape it? You're a special kind of odd, but I'll still do it! You want me to play a real life game of Frogger on the freeway, wrestle wild herds of feral cats, whatever your fetish might be, I'm your man. You tell me what game you want me to play, we'll discuss a price tag and then I'll do whatever it is you want for that price. Proof of funds are required and I get paid that day. Don't get me wrong, I still have every intention of continuing working a job, short of winning a big lottery I just want to raise about $100,000 so I can wipe my debts out and get a good down payment for a house. Although I would definitely take more money than that if the jobs just keep coming. Every man has his price, and I'm no different. It's all a matter of negotiation with me. I CAN be bought!

So pass this on to all your friends that actually have money they are willing to part with in order to be entertained by directing my antics and help me make some real friggin money.

Superhero Fails to Subdue Mookie

When I was growing up, you had comic books, cartoons and action figures to revere the superheroes. Kid's were given an animated snese of right and wrong, good and evil. There were the Superheroes, and then there were the villains.

Yesterday I was viciously and unprovokingly attacked by Superman. Apparently my local notoriety of being quite the Super Rent-A-Cop (the term "super" here is self-aggrandizing, yes, but its my story, and thusly my reality. Deal with it!) has offended this special class of superheroes I looked up to as a young boy.

Or maybe it was the fact that Superman, having had his likeness super-imposed on a pair of underwear for a 5 year old offended him. Maybe the thought of baing plastered to the butt of Buggy, and then haphazardly discarded onto the floor about 2feet from the pile of dirty laundry, instead of being prized and coveted (much like my GI JOE with the kung fu grip) has caused Superman to make the decision to leap into action.

While walking innocently from my bedroom to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee for my wife and I, Superman nefariously placed himself right under my foot. My big toe caught itself in the elastic waistband. As I continued to step forward, my rear foot came down on the backside of the dragging superhero underwear. In what can only be described as an amazing sense of balance and athletic prowess by yours truly, I narrowly avoided sling-shotting my face into the living room carpet. I'm not sure of the mechanics, but then again, I can only pretend to understand the capabilities of an underwear adorned superhero.

With the quick ninja-like reactions I was born with, I saved myself from a very embarrasing self face planting. I quickly throttled the slightly dirty Superman underwear and gave him his very own sling-shot ride into the dirty laundry pile in retribution for his grave error in tangling with The Mookie.

Once again, I saved my own day!!

Dihydrogen Monoxide- It's Everywhere!

Has the idea of thinking things through, asking a few questions, and practicing some common sense become a little too much to ask?

Global Raining Will Kill Us All

With the debate about the supposedly undebatable Global Warming issue,heating up, allow me to present to you another undebatable subject: Global Raining!

All over the globe, rain has been falling in massive amounts. Where it isn't coming down like the Noahic Flood, it is still coming down, only in lesser amounts. Gobal Warming's effect which caused one of the coldest years in history since 1900 (due to the fact that global warming apparently includes global cooling...who knew?), giving us an extended winter, especially within the Midwestern United States, Spring is finally arriving over a month late. Rain having fallen locally in Iowa area 75% of the days since March 20th, the official start of Spring.

With so much rain falling, causing flooding that has not subsided along the Mississippi River near Burlington since the ice melt, and intermittent flooding in other areas, Global raining has shown its ugly face, destroying immediately property, cropland, as well as businesses and housing, occasionally causing death as well.

Crop planting is under 50% of where it should be in Iowa as of today. Without full crop sewing, the reaping will also be less and/or delayed greatly. This will increase the price of an already questionable Ethanol product, which has gained popularity in the Midwestern states and amongst the "Greenies". Also, the effects on food corn, and other crops such as soybeans will cause dramatic effects on prices, and supply. In order to maintain fuel crops to be competitive, more and more subsidies will have to be lent by state and federal governments, and thusly, American taxpayers.
With fuel costs rising, mass violence is predicted int eh form of riots with at least 1438478 billion participants in Iowa alone, nevermind the remainder of the country. We would include the world in these riots, but they would have been food based riots, however, would-be rioters have already been predicted to starve to death prior to rioting.
Now, before you all jump on the bandwagon that this is merely localized, notice the rainfall causing mudslides in the Phillipines, Cyclones in Myanmar that have rain associated with them. Yes that's right...rain including groundswell based rain in the form of rising tides due to storms.
Rain filled up massive resevoirs in China. Resevoirs who's dams have been damaged not only by time and increased water pressure, but the recent earthquake as well. My team of researchers is still working on how rain caused the earthquake, but be not alarmed, we will make the connection no matter how ludicrous.
Also, we have determined that this is your fault. If you hadn't run so much water, and sweated so much during the hot times, evaporation would've picked up less water to drop down on the world's population in the form of this deadly rain.
But..WE DO HAVE A SOLUTION! First off, it includes sending cash to Mookie (future President in 2016! and former pale superhero). Sorry no checks or credit cards, just plain old cold hard cash. WE (my other personalities and myself) have set up a special account to deal with issues as we see fit. We can't surrently release teh details for reasons of, um...national security? But we assure you we will do all we can to make sure you are not taken out by this deadly and undeniable global phenomenon. In the meantime, while we await your voluntary contributions (do NOT make us involve the U.N. to impose this upon you), we'll be out filling up our new pool and watering our lawn with no less than 3 billion cubic meters of water....recycled from the recent downpours of course..because we care we wont use NEW water. That, and with an hour's break from the toreential downpours, we don't want the grass to die. Thank you in advance for your support!