Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Guilt Wars: Revenge of the Men

The other day Jay Burns wrote of an experience he had involving an ATV rollover accident that injured his wife. After she realized that this was an unsuccessful assassination attempt, she quickly resorted to tactics straight out of the Women's Handbook For Embattled Marriages. As most of you are aware, all women have a complete education on how to be a lady, as well as how to handle her husband in all situations, and other odd know-hows. I'm pretty sure this all sprung up during the heated days of the Feminist Movement, but since they don't copyright these things, we can never truly be sure.

And of course, guys, we don't need a book to tell us how to handle things. We're naturally equipped with common sense with a little bit of random advice from those guys we call Dad and Grandpa. We're pretty sure some lady once overheard this advice being given out, wrote it down and commenced authoring the future counter-offensives to be used on our particular generation of men. But I digress...

As Jay writes in the final paragraph of his article:

However, not wanting a good crisis to go to waste my wife is getting some really good "guilt mileage" out of the incident. Examples include; waking in the middle of the night, then waking me, pointing at the barely scratched elbow, making a pout face, and saying oh so sweetly, "will YOU get me a drink of water, It hurts too bad to get up."

For us guys being the more logical and less emotional gender, women sure have a way of projecting guilt into our souls. I can't quite figure out how they do it, but they do it, and WELL!

Well, as any good Star Wars movie will tell you, even though one side wins in the first movie, the other side will come back with a vengeance. And this last Friday, it happened. The kids spent the week at my folks place, I was sleeping prior to my overnight work shift that starts at midnight. So, my wife decides this will be a great opportunity to go visit some friends of hers. I wake up at 11pm and find the house quiet. I also find a note saying where she went and that she will be back in time to feed me (like all good wives should do for their husbands) before I go to work. Okay, things are good, she'll be home any minute to make me supper. Earlier that morning she asked me what I wanted for supper, so I'm expecting some rice dish with some meat, as requested. Well 11:30 rolls around, and no wife. I give her a call, and she informs me that she is on her way home, and also inquires if I'm mad at her for being late. "Just a little bit." We hang up, and I continue getting dressed, sure that she will stop at a fast food joint and pick me up some supper for the road so that I might eat and still be to work on time. She arrives home, and *GASP* No food!!!!! She has a sad look on her face, and I have a very undisguised look of being pissed off on mine. I leave without much to say, and not hiding my irritation. Her last look is of total dejection, as I didn't even give her a goodnight kiss before leaving. Probably a no-no on my part, but I was mad and didn't care.

I come home the next morning from work, after stopping off to change the oil in the car, so we can go up to my folks to get the kids. On the way out of town we gas up, grab some drinks, and I had to rush into the gas station to make sure I was actually going to get something to eat. She had procured herself a sandwich, but I saw nothing on the counter for me. I grabbed a donut. From noon on Friday to 1030am on Saturday, all I was eating was a donut? Something is wrong here. We talk some more. She tells me how she didn't sleep well the night before. I asked as to the reason, which she didn't know. I suggested that maybe she was racked with guilt. She assented that guilt may have played a part in it.

Eventually I went ahead and forgave her. But I didn't hesitate to jab with it a bit from time to time. She said since I forgave her and she accepted it, there was no guilt. But oh, my dear, dear readers, there is still vestiges of guilt trailing behind in the subconscious. The next time she goes out with friends and I'm left sleeping, unknowing of her adventures, she will think about it and remember to make sure it doesn't happen again. Oh yes, the guilt will remain whether she admits/likes it or not!!!

So Jay, I dedicate this guilt wars victory in your honor. Love it, appreciate it, and most of all, don't tell your wife, otherwise we may be in for yet another sequel that doesn't work in our favor!


Anonymous said...

Do you really want to go there?

Mookie said...

Yessss, yeeesssss.....
turn the guilt into anger, turn your anger into hate....feel the power of the dork side!!!

All In said...

Well... great. Just when my wife is healing up, you go and remind her to guilt me a little bit more. Mookie, this is a war that can not be won.

Mookie said...

I'm sorry, did you just say something girly??? Where's the He-man hatemonger I knew and loved? YOu realize there are plenty of episodes left in this movie buddy, and I'm not above re-writing the script!

Anonymous said...

btw....i said i was sorry and you accepted, which is why i don't feel guilty about it. and....last time i checked, you know your way around a kitchen and i'm not your mother.