Friday, May 27, 2016

Laziness...Keeping me from posting for over a year!

I just happened to look at my page today while screwing around on the home computer.  I was shocked to see that it had been over a year since I even posted to here.  The craziness of lazyness took hold of me.
So for all 3 of you who ever read my musings I'll give you an update of what has happened in my life over the past 15 months since I last bored you to tears.

1) I bought a house.  Now my wife will tell you that WE bought a house, but despite my religious zeal for Grammar Nazism, I reserve the right to interchange pronouns when it suits me.  We'll just nevermind the fact that she may or may not have done most of the legwork when it came to dealing with banks and realtors to make this happen.  As the landscape of American politics has shown, the facts don't really matter.

With the purchasing of my first home came a lot of other firsts.  Like mowing my own lawn.  I've mowed a few lawns in my day, but those lawns always belonged to someone else.  I've also learned that if part of your lawn has Creeping Charlie and you mow over that stuff, it will spread to the rest of your yard.  Much like I did to my parents' yard once I am contemplating a healthy dose of gasoline and a match to battle this scourge to my compound....only on purpose this time.

I've also installed my first ever section of wiring for a new dishwasher that had to be replaced because the warranty people wouldn't touch the old, less than up to modern standards wiring to hook it up.  I've also installed 2 light fixtures for the first time, and one light switch.  These things have taught me that I am handier than I thought I was, but still no engineering genius.  Only a couple light jolts to the system to make sure my heart was still working properly. I also recently disconnected the DISH and reran the wiring to the antenna in an effort to save some money I was paying for a bunch of channels I never watch.  I sure will miss those marathon days of That 70s Show on IFC and NCIS on USA.  I'll get over it soon enough.  I'll either addict myself to shows that were in syndication well before I was a twinkle in my dad's eye, or go back to reading more actual books like I used to do when I was younger.

The biggest realization that I've had, I've always known...This house is gonna suck me dry with all the improvements it will need.  Recently a lot of people are saying the same thing with the new construction homes which are priced pretty damn well out of my price range to start and shabbily put up to boot in developments devoid of character or identity.  I can't tell the difference between one house and the next 100 anymore.  Very drab, very unoriginal, very...blah. This one was a steal for where we live, and it has character being an older home. So despite the next 30 or more years of trying to figure out which orifice I'm going to pull the money out of for these necessary improvements, I like my (yes I know, honey, OUR) choice.

2) I assumed the title of Operations Manager at my job.  I assure you this is through no fault of my own, but the evil conniving mind of my boss who thought it was a good idea to put me in charge of people.  After giving me some power to abuse he told me I better not fire a bunch of people I felt were substandard too quickly because I would end up having to cover their posts.  Although I have had the pleasure of ridding the company of less than desirable employees from our little company, sometimes at the expense of my own sanity, reworking a schedule for a week to fill in the new openings can be hell. I can feel grey hairs trying to work their way into my normal appearance.  I went from working day shift Monday through Friday, with nights and weekends free to spend with the family or go do something, to working nights and weekends again... which sucks! But money talks, and my wife and boss shoved me into taking the spot.  All in all it isn't too horrible, but if the Lottery comes calling me saying I won big, I'm out of there!

3) I actually set myself up with some vacation time (that I will actually get paid for thanks to Item #2) that will allow me time to go see family out in California I haven't seen in over 18 years.  My wife will get to meet some of my family she has yet to meet, my oldest son will see them again for the first time since he was 3, and my youngest son will get his first ever trip to California and meet that side of the family. I've been talking about going back for years, but my cousin Erin decided she liked a boy well enough to marry him, and forcing my hand to actually make the trip.  Those guys at the TSA better not screw up my flight schedule!

Other random musings include that after I get back from the aforementioned vacation, I might possibly be looking at getting another dog. After almost a year of our Gracie having a boyfriend on each side, the renters have left their houses and now she has no boyfriends to cavort with.  I think she is getting lonely and needs a playmate to help terrorize the cat, fight with for the attention of us humans residing here, and a companion to romp around the yard with and dominate like she did with the bigger boy toys (a Golden Retriever on one side and a Great Dane on the other) she enjoyed bullying before they moved away earlier this month.

The boys are getting bigger. The 17 year old is still lording over me, and recently started his first real job working as a host at a local Olive Garden restaurant.  Much like I did when I had my first slew of jobs, but lived with my parents, he is seeing dollar signs and that excites him.  I'm almost relishing the moment when he moves on and realizes how great it was to have the job with all the money rolling in and no real bills going out of anyone's wallets but his parents.  And much like my dad, I will laugh heartily and tell him I have no sympathy... until he asks to move back in and eat all my food again. But first he has to get through his senior year of high school.
The 12 year old, while not lording over me is slowly beginning to gain on me in height.  He is at that awkward age where he is still a kid and cute, but beginning to display the obnoxious behavior that comes with a junior high kid, which he will be this fall.  Not like when we were kids and were perfect angels throughout our upbringing, bringing great amounts of pride to our parents and the joy they received when being able to tell all their friends what wonderful kids we were to raise.  (You can stop laughing now mom and dad!) Whenever he has gone to someone else's place he always returns and they gush over what a polite young man he is, and what fun it is to have him in their home.  And within a half hour I find open bottles of his beverages sitting about in random places, candy wrappers strewn around the house, crumbs denoting that "Corwyn was here".  When asked to do something, snide remarks are heard, dirty looks given, or just plain silence of ignoring us abound.  Apparently his daily allotment of goodness doesn't last a whole day. 

I love these boys with all my heart and would never trade them in for the world, but some days I would consider selling them to any bidder!!!  A thought that I know would never have crossed the minds of my parents...again, I was an angel.  I'm sure they got their other-than-angelic ways from their mother. And I'm sure she'd disagree and say its the opposite, but hey, this is my blog.

On the last note for today, For those of you in and around Sac City, On Saturday May 28th, there is a scheduled planting of a memorial tree for Monte Burns at Tolan Field.  As some of you know, Monte passed just a little over 2 years ago.  Monte was like a second father to me, and his sons, Joshua, Jedidiah and Jerimiah were my brothers.  They will be dedicating this tree in their father's name, along with my parents for Monte, specifically at the ballfield where he put in years of coaching the kids of Sac City's Little League teams.  So if you knew Monte, or he coached you or one of your kids, I know the family would love to see you come out for this celebration of Monte Burns' life.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Little Town Surviving

When I was growing up in Sac City, Iowa...

1)  There was nothing to do...EVER
2)  I gotta get soon as humanly possible!
3)  Add 1 and 2 together and EVERYTHING HERE SUCKS!

Of course these were the thoughts of a young kid who just assumed the rest of the world had to be better than what we had growing up.  Guess that whole "grass always being greener on the other side" business starts at an early age.

When I was really little we had a movie theater in which I saw half a movie before mom dragged me out screaming and crying. In my defense, if she had just kept feeding me junior mints, I would've been good for the whole showing of Bambi.

We had a corner bakery, where if we were really good and mom had some extra cash, my sister and I could get some delicious cookies.  Or mom had extra cash and shoving cookies into our faces was the best way to get us to shut up.

I wasn't very old when both of these places went away, so there was literally nothing left to enjoy in our small, and getting smaller, town.  Sure we had the parade and the 4th of July fireworks, Chautauqua Days,  and we had the Porktoberfest, and Halloween.  So there were a few days out of the year where we could engorge ourselves full of one kind of food or another. But the other 300 and some odd days...nothing.

We had to entertain ourselves, either playing in the ravine, tearing around town on our bikes, swimming at the local pool, or playing football in Witte's yard.  We had Little League and some other Summer Recreation programs.  Eventually we got out own recreation center to go lift weights, play basketball, swim during the winter time, among other things.

Thinking back on things, I guess things didn't suck as bad as I once thought. For a small town we had a lot of things to do, whether it was on our own, or through programs and facilities that a lot of people put in hard work dedicated to giving us kids, as well as adults, things to do right there in our own little burg.

One of the places that always been a stalwart of the community for the most part under a few different owners, in the recreation area, was Indian Lanes, our local bowling alley.  Now I only used the bowling alley sparingly.  I was usually using most of my money to load myself up on Dr Pepper from the local Casey's, as if my hyperactive self wasn't already too much for some people to handle before the caffeine infusion.  But it was always a place where adults could go and have their adult fun with friends, and still bring their kids who could play arcade style games, or you know, bowl a few frames.

I was recently back in Sac City for Christmas with my wife and my sons to see my parents as well as my sister's family who was up visiting from Florida.  My best friend, Jed was also out with his family from Wyoming, along with his younger brother Jeremiah and his family coming up from my neck of the woods, to celebrate with the oldest brother Josh and his family.  They did a family gift exchange at the bowling alley, which I had learned was now being operated by Josh and his wife, and I think along with a certain guy named Joe Zimmerman.  I make the claim of Joe based on the fact that they have a Notre Dame flag hung up on a wall, and Joe is the only person I know who is truly a Notre Dame fan.  Other than that small blemish (Sorry Joe!), the place looks pretty good.

Now Joe has always been the kind of guy who was made for small town living, and many days I can't blame him despite my living in the Des Moines metro area.  I like to go back to my hometown just to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city.  Joe did his time out of the area, but as expected he came back to his roots and his family and friends.  Joe is always a friendly guy with a big goofy grin, a joke waiting on his lips to tell you, and a big old hug. I love the guy.

Josh Burns on the other hand... He was the big brother from another mother, the guy I loved to hate and hated to love.  He was always there to put me in my place when I needed it, and also to pick me up when I needed that.  He really is a chip off the old block that is his father, Monte, who I always regard as my 2nd dad.  Monte always made time for us boys, and for everybody else, both personally, as well as being a longtime baseball coach for a multitude of kids who grew up in Sac City.  Josh and I were never as close as Jed and I were, but he was always around.  I never knew what his plans for life were, when he went off to college in Missouri, but he came back to live and work in the area.  And now he runs the bowling alley.  Like his dad, he's doing his part to help keep the small town of Sac City going.

Some people reading this may see Indian Lanes as just one business in a small town in the middle of nowhere. But to some of us who grew up there, it's nice to see that some places and some people are still there, just as they always were.  And when you can find a place for the whole family to spend some fun time together for a few hours without breaking the bank, you want to keep that in any community.  I think Indian Lanes fills that role. So if you get a chance, go to Indian Lanes, say hello to the owners, grab a bite to eat and something to drink, and bowl a few games.  I promise you wont regret the fun time you'll have and you will support a locally owned business stick around for everyone there now and those to come.

(712) 662-7467

Friday, November 14, 2014


This year has been filled with scammers in my life.  And no, I'm not just talking about my cat who comes up and acts like he loves me just so I'll pet his furry fucking body. And no, I'm not talking about Nigerian princes trying to unload their fortunes on me to protect them from evil governments and rebels of said governments.  However, in my war against technology (and yes I realize I'm using the internet to post a blog against the evils of itself), the scammers have found more and more ways to get ahold of me.

I had someone offer me a job to wrap my car in advertisement for a nice little sum.  It was for Bud Lite Lime.  Now for those who know me, they know I'm cheap and will pimp out an endorsement for just about anything if you're willing to pay me.  So a few days later, I get a certified letter in the mail from Drummond Corporation- which turns out to be a coal-related company in Alabama.  Inside are two checks, both from Seminary colleges, one in Michigan and the other in Pennsylvania.  The checks are literally identical in appearance, and amount.  The only differences I find are the check numbers, the account numbers, and who they are from with their addresses.  Even the damn signature is identical.  One being a Puritanical Seminary and the other a more Evangelical type, I find it odd that they would hold with the same guy in charge of their finances, nevermind some Puritan organization pimping out alcohol.  Why not just say the Puritans are asking em to enlarge my penis to have sex with busty married MILFs at or some damn website that goes against everything they hold to be holy?

Once I received the checks, I was asked about them through text, and then to deposit the checks into my bank and forward a Western Union money order off to some lady in South Carolina, who is the party responsible for coming out to wrap my car in the advertisement.  And the texter is using a California number.  Now, maybe Americans are in fact getting dumber, and this wildly tangled web of shit is such a boondoggle that most wouldn't see through this whole charade, but I was brought up when education along with a healthy dose of common sense was instilled in a good portion of us kids early on.  I had a nice back and forth with this lady and even gave her the confirmation number for a Western Union transaction.  She said she was having problems tracking it. I had given her a 10 digit code, much like seen on googled pics of western union confirmations.  I told her the tracking number corresponds to a phone number and she can call that number and confirm it for herself.  I don't know if she ever tried it or not, but after I gave her the number to the FBI's switchboard, and I never heard a peep from her since.

On another level of scams, I have received calls from all over the country from Pretrial Intervention Services, or some other variation of a like name.  It seems, unbeknownst to me, that I owe a check cashing place a LOT of money.  Thousands of dollars even.  I'm not entirely sure how they got my information, but they did have a healthy (or rather unhealthy) portion of some pretty specific financial and personal information.  They knew who my debtor was, and how much I owed total, but they couldn't tell me the original transaction amount or any of that business.  But despite their not knowing that, I was definitely in need of a lawyer, or I was going to need to settle up before this went to trial and ruined my social security (I'm not sure how they intend to ruin my social security yet, I figured that was a politician's job), and ruin my job!  I informed one, that my current job already ruined me, and that it was already such a leech of a job that it couldn't possibly be ruined further.

The first thing that has intrigued me about these callers is that all of them have been Indian (the dot not the feather), or Pakistani or some other similar ethnic variety with a heavy accent. After literally dozens of calls from a variety of offices around the country, I have yet to run into one person on the other end of the line that has anything other than a very generic Americanized name, first and last names both.  Some use celebrity names, mostly of some pretty famous athletes including Michael Jordan!!!  Man, that guy was such a great basketball player, and been a pretty good businessman from most accounts.  The economic collapse of 2007-08 must've really hit him hard.  It seems it has caused him to genetically mutate into an Indian accented customer service representative in Ohio.  I feel kind of bad for the poor guy.  His finance manager really sucked! 

Anyways, the this last week I keep missing calls from the San Francisco Bay Area.  I take the time to listen to the voicemail.  I was hoping to hear from someone in the 49ers or Giants organizations to let me know I was getting a portion of one of the stadiums named after me, and some other perks for being such a good fan over the years.  No such luck in the was some Indian lady leaving me a well read response to call back to discuss my legal troubles.  Since I never bother to call back, they keep calling.  The other day I managed to answer the phone.  The lady (Her name happened to be Amanda Jones) wasn't so smooth in her delivery when she has to talk to me in person.  I told her that despite my legal troubles, I still regard myself as important enough to be spoken to in a more professional manner.  She told me to call back to her advisor's office at 415-513-0133, which just happened to be the same number she was calling from.  I guess business is a little bad for them that she didn't have the kind of phone that allowed her to transfer the call to the advisor personally so I could clear these matters up.  After missing yet another call while I was at work, I took a few moments to call back.  I reached Sam Watershead.  Sam also has an Indian accent.  I guess Sanjay Gupta was too busy to make the call, so at least I know I was talking to a real down home American kind of businessman. 
It seems that despite the fact that they call me from San Francisco, my case is being filed in Los Angeles County. That is quite a few hours drive between the two.  They had no reason why the debtor has NEVER bothered to contact me prior to such an important legal and financial matter would go to court, just that they had written the debt off as uncollected and warranting the spending of several thousands of dollars to haul me in for a judgement of a few thousand bucks.  Now, I'm no lawyer, but we do have a law school up here in the fancy little town of Des Moines, Iowa, and I do happen to know a few finer points of law.  For instance, in a civil judgement on a financial matter which had to have been contracted by me while residing here in the Des Moines area, they would be forced to go through my local Polk County sources, and that I would be served notice of any such impending court dates.  Sam seemed impervious to this and asked if I had a lawyer ready to go.  I said that I did not, mainly because Cash Advance America (my supposed debtor) wouldn't give me enough money to retain a lawyer, and that since I wasn't in any arrears I probably wouldn't need one anyways.  He asked me how we would resolve this matter then if I wasn't prepared with a lawyer.  When I asked if this was the part where I send him some money and he makes it all go away, he kind of hedged his bets.  So, it appears that Sam Watershead (If that's his real name! His real name is probably Peggy), wasn't a COMPLETE moron when it comes to interstate banking fraud, but he was completely unaware that I was the kind of guy who can put on a lot of bullshit to make me sound a lot smarter about matters than he can ever hope to be.  Guess I hadn't been toking enough of the marijuana joints and slobbering over my Cocoa Puffs enough to be taken in by his stupid ruse.  In fact, I just kept belching out more and more information on legal matters, financial regulations, etc etc, he finally decided, after trying and failing to "calm me down", to hang up me.  I felt pretty satisfied with my efforts.  I'm nowhere near the creative phone comedian as say Tom Mabe, but I did alright.

And just for the record, I'd like all of my readers to call the above listed number in San Francisco and see if you can talk with Sam Watershead, or whatever his nom du jour may be that day.  Let me know who you get to speak with and see if they might try to harangue you into court somewhere if you dont find a way to settle the matter ahead of time.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

So Now That I've Voted...

My part in the 114th election cycle (or is it the 20th or the 847th?) is done.  I would like to point out, that once again I did not see my name on the ballot.  I didn't even vote for myself for any of the offices up for election.

Now some conspiracy theorists might suggest that this is a direct result of the biased Anti-Mook media machine making sure that my name didn't get out to the voting public, as well as airing commercials subliminally hypnotizing me into voting against myself.  Some might say it was Islamic Jihadists trying to suppress freedom and the American Way (Which I clearly represent at all turns), or the Koch brothers spending billions in silencing my voice among the masses of their preferred candidates.

I assure you, that none of these scenarios are the case. Since the voting polls are still open, I will take this time to get out my political message, before going silent on the matter until at least Monday, when the next election cycle punditry shall start with all those talking heads on TV.

I chose to not run for any office this year because in 2016, it will be the first time in my life that I will be eligible to seek the office of the President of the United States of America. 

Soon to be renamed the Mookified Compound

Because of the two year time crunch, I would not want to burden my supporters with the fact that I, as their chosen leader, would be forced to spend all the time I am supposed to be representing them out on the campaign trail.  Also, If I were to end up in an office that the term would over run that time frame, I would not want to disappoint them by leaving my elected position to take over the bigger better opportunity.

So, in the off chance that too many of you numbskulls wrote me in as your candidate of choice, let me be clear.  I am regretfully informing you that I am hereby conceding this year's elections.  It was a non hard fought battle, but I have stepped aside from the path of all my many opponents. the more they wreck shit between now and then, the greater my accomplishments as leader of the free world, and eventually the universe (I'll be more specific on my plans for NASA at a later date) will seem.

"But what about getting some government experience before attempting to ascend to the Presidency?" you say. To this I answer: I will not be labeled a political/Washington insider. The only pork I want to be associated with supporting between now and then will be bacon. And bratwursts- lots of both.

The kind of pork Washington DC needs!

With your help in 2 years, I will see us through a new sense of economic prosperity to include greater investments in business as well as higher wages for many.  A complete change in our foreign policy, and total reform of immigration.  The budgets will be balanced, the national debts drawn down, infrastructure improved and other amazing things that will blow your minds.  I'd put it down in writing, but by keeping it in my head, none of these idiots in Washington that are all about them and their parties taking credit for shit can steal it and destroy the perfection of the idea and screw 90% of the population, or more.

So consider today, the day you elect your representatives for this midterm election, the day I officially announce my candidacy for the next President of the United States.  I'll accept your support in the form of PAC money, or just straight cash in hand. Thank you for not voting for me this time around, and good night my fellow Americans.

Be a freedom loving patriot- Vote Mookie in 2016!

Monday, October 13, 2014

Getting Old Sucks

So, I've probably used this title before. But this time I mean it. For real this time. Seriously.

As I may or may not have mentioned before, I had some back pain a couple years ago. Went to the chiropractor, and the x-rays showed a nice interesting twist in my spine. Just one vertebrae in my lower back, was twisted left slightly and tilted. It pinches a nerve from time to time and causes a nice pain that travels along my pelvis and down into my right butt cheek. Pretty much a nice case of sciatica, going right along with that hip that pops in and out of place for most of my life. I'm sure its an even bigger deal than I make of it at any given moment when it hurts, but I just go with it as part of living. Although it did curb my going to the park and playing hardcore basketball and football with kids half my age. Figured I didn't want to ruin the rest of my back while I'm still just in my 30s. Now this hasn't stopped me from participating in some touch football from time to time with people of a variety of ages. I love football way too much to give it up.

A few weeks ago, I was coming back across the street with the dog, at full speed mind you while trying to unhook her leash for the rest of the run back to the house. Not paying full attention sometimes causes something to happen that forces you to pay attention. I slammed the big toe in my right foot directly into the curb and subsequently splatted my body out into the grass. I begin grasping my toe in pain, and realizing I literally split my shoe from its sole in the process. While it's nice to know the dog came back to check on me, I wasn't as amused with the fact that she took advantage of my pain and focus on my toe to start licking my face incessantly. It seems dogs are like mom's in that that think they can kiss the boo-boos away. I outgrew that understanding of pain management years ago. Anyways, that was a couple weeks ago. It is getting better, but there are still some moments of discomfort. I figure it will heal soon enough, and it doesn't really impede me from doing anything I wouldn't normally do.

Last Wednesday, I went outside after supper to play football with my 10 year old, his buddy and a neighbor kid. I had to tackle them, but all they had to do was touch me with two hands, since I am too big for them to tackle. Have to pretend to keep things fair at least. And of course, given my natural abilities and winning ways, I was well on my way to embarrassing them a little bit while I showed up. Then the youngest kid's buddy had to go home, and my 15 year old stepped in for him. Now for those that know my 15 year old, you know he isn't much for organized sports, but on occasion he will step in and play some. He is more into Parkour, bouncing and jumping and climbing whatever he can find. And while he probably isn't competition level yet, he is pretty good at it. I've seen him scale trees like a monkey and negotiate rock faces like a mountain goat. At 6 foot tall and 150 or 160 pounds he's wiry and pretty athletic. So with the boost of his big brother, the 10 year old starts showing a little flare, throwing good spiral passes to his brother who is clearly the tallest person in the yard, and almost as fast as me. One skill he has developed is good agility when it comes to cutting back and forth, to negate my speed and experience. He shook me more than once to get open and catch some well placed throws by his brother.

I was however very impressed by his concentration on one play in general. I played behind Josh (the 15 yr old) and when Corwyn (the 10 yr old) threw the ball to him, I broke in front to intercept or knock the ball down. However it was higher than I anticipated, just going over my fingertips, hitting his hands and going up in the air a bit higher. In the past this would've meant incomplete pass, but the boy made his dad (that's me!) very proud when he snagged it out of the air, and he stiff armed me off wrapping him up and turned up field running it in for a touchdown. In that moment I realized I wasn't the top dog anymore that could stop these kids at will anytime I wanted, only letting them score when I chose to let them. He honest to God outplayed me when I was confident I was going to take the ball (first) and then tackle him with ease (second). I was definitely put in my place on that particular play.

Later, Josh caught a pass in front of me. I had the boy dead to rights. Back when we were kids playing at the infamous Witte's Yard in Sac City, he would've been smeared to the ground. But, instead I was a good dad and decided against spearing him into the sidewalk and possibly the house. So I just wrapped him up, turned him and dropped my weight. I brought him down on top of me, and his bony little elbow hit me with his entire weight right between a couple of ribs. Now I've been speared, landed on, thrown to the ground, in the street, into thorny rose bushes, maybe a tree or two...and sometimes that shit hurt. But I have never felt the sting of getting my ribs bruised before. And here I sit, still sore, super stiff in the mornings when I get up. I'm just waiting the days and days it will take for the dull pain to subside, hoping he didn't actually crack a couple ribs. So far in life I've been pretty lucky that I've not broken any bones, and I'm kind of hoping that streak stays alive. Of course I'm not getting x-rays to confirm one way or the other. I'm just going to live with the pain while it's there and keep going like I do. However, I told the boy in no uncertain terms I am not playing tackle football this Wednesday when they come over for supper again, no matter how nice the weather might be. I MAY play touch, but I am still unsure on even doing that. Depends on how I feel I guess.

What scares me most is that I may have to finally retire from my super long career as a semi-pro football player in the Backyard Football League. I've stretched it to just a little under 30 years now, had my moments that created great on field memories. Not sure I'm ready, as a player and competitor, to let it go just yet and hang up my proverbial cleats, but maturity and old age coupled with increasing weird injuries from what seem like pretty non-violent actions may cause me to move on to operating strictly from a coaching perspective, and the occasional game of catch.  I understand the struggle professional athletes looking down the barrel of retirement go through, even without their kind of money.  Football is a game I've loved and lived most of my life.

But my legacy is my two boys.  When Corwyn focuses, he can be a great thrower and a runner, as well as improving on his pass catching ability. Josh is proving to be quite the all-around athlete in his own right like his uncle Josh Burns, the retired great Backyard Football League player from our younger years, despite his lack of participation in the sports to the degree we did as kids at his age. They both make me quite proud as they grow up, even if they have teamed up to take me out of the game! I guess I can only hope we can do some light play together from time to time. Even if neither ever participate in football on an organized level or a regular basis, I'm always glad I have gotten to play the game with them some and have that bonding time with something other than video games, which I hopelessly suck at! My other hope is that maybe I can eventually get nominated into the Hall of Fame for my backyard football antics, like Josh Burns did.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

NO GAY SEX! (unless you have a LOT of cash to fork over)

So here I am, sitting here at the computer wasting time on Facebook, and going back and forth looking at other pages. Along with Google, my spam mail is promising money left and right. Payday loans, bad credit loans worth more than I've ever had at any one time, free grants the government is just going to pay me to sit here on my ass.

So sure, I can definitely use more money. Not at 3500% interest or whatever, and I'm certainly not sending in $45 (normally $245, but I'm getting a special deal! they must know how awesome I am) to get my free information kit on how to make $1000s a day just like this guru with his fancy webpage and video of him driving nice cars. The whole thing on facebook of bill gates or some random ass lottery winner saying they will give you free money if you share the post and just ask for about a joke.

First off, Bill Gates isn't giving me money. Secondly, despite being part of the Giving Pledge thing a bunch of billionaires put together as their own little charitable club they belong to (I suspect mostly to make them feel better about themselves in a public relations sense), these guys aren't giving money away to regular people. They are looking at "legitimate" charities. I suspect they have a hand in running some of those charities to begin with, which is almost ridiculous if you ask me. That's more like a tax write off without actually losing a penny.

I tend to peruse the job ads from time to time, and I've found out hard work often pays less than everything else. A 16 year old ditz in high school speaking on the phone using a pre-written script to work from actually makes more money than most jobs I see where manual labor is actually involved for some guy just trying to support his family. And it's also amazing how many jobs now require a college education just to get some job that pays less than $30,000 a year! What the hell is THAT? Is the state of our public education system so bad that you need college just to get you closer to a simple wage that's high enough to pay the bills of a mediocre lifestyle? And what's with all the staffing companies? Every corporation out there is working with a bunch of $10-$15/hr workers who aren't really working FOR the company. Don't get me wrong, a lot of those people do great work, and for some that's the only way to get work. I guess it's better to float the CEO's pay when you underpay everyone and don't have to offer them perks...

Now, I don't have much in the way of job skills. I was the 16 year old ditz on the phone, I sided houses for awhile, I did security work, and I've worked in restaurants. None of which paid all that well. Sometimes I worked very hard at those jobs, but a lot of the time I kind of slacked off and just did what needed to be done without anything extra. Why? Because it didn't really matter much. Months of hard work resulted in me making no more than some guy who spent his entire day jerking off. Sometimes I made even less than those guys who didn't know their head from their ass, and I was picking up their slack. But it seemed my low wage was barely able to be afforded by the boss, so no raise for me or anyone else. Now don't mind me, I'm just venting, the entire point of this article isn't to complain, I just lost focus for a bit...and I'm too lazy to delete all that wasted effort.

These days I'm still trying to figure out how to make more money. A substantial amount to be exact, not just something to get me by for the next week or so. I'm talking about random ass jobs for good money. And I've decided I have VERY FEW caveats. You pick the job, task, etc- minus the caveats listed below- and we'll talk.

1) I will NOT kill anyone for cash (although I might maim someone for the right price- which also means you footing the lawyer fees). If you want me to be your killing dummy, we do the cash ahead of time of course so I can get the money to the wife and kids first. Then I'll be your huckleberry.

2) I will NOT let a bull charge me and ram me right in the gonads...or take a baseball bat there. Plain and simple: no nut shots that could result in permanent damage!
I mean c'mon, I'm pretty dumb, I'll admit that. But I'm not COMPLETELY insane!

3) NO GAY SEX (unless you're coming with something like a million bucks or more, I'm thinking closer to $10 million, but we can negotiate- AND that gets no publicity- save that for Dallas Cowboy fans)

Other than that I'm pretty much game. I'll drive you around town, do your shopping, you name it. You want your house demolished, re-drywalled or burned down, I'm your guy. You want me to clean your house in some odd looking outfit (or no outfit at all) while you videotape it? You're a special kind of odd, but I'll still do it! You want me to play a real life game of Frogger on the freeway, wrestle wild herds of feral cats, whatever your fetish might be, I'm your man. You tell me what game you want me to play, we'll discuss a price tag and then I'll do whatever it is you want for that price. Proof of funds are required and I get paid that day. Don't get me wrong, I still have every intention of continuing working a job, short of winning a big lottery I just want to raise about $100,000 so I can wipe my debts out and get a good down payment for a house. Although I would definitely take more money than that if the jobs just keep coming. Every man has his price, and I'm no different. It's all a matter of negotiation with me. I CAN be bought!

So pass this on to all your friends that actually have money they are willing to part with in order to be entertained by directing my antics and help me make some real friggin money.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Evil Technology Rears Its Ugly Head Again!

And so it begins again... brought to my attention by a certain infamous radio personality, Eric Stone:

Evil technology is trying to destroy us financially, ruin our infrastructure, recreational and work places, educational foundation, and generally hamper our society as much as possible. All of this under the guise of advancement and bringing the world to our fingertips with ease.

In a top secret document uncovered by the Mookified Compound's Intelligence community the last half of that sentence actually reads as a paraphrasing of Evil Tech's official mission statement To promote the advancement of robots and bringing the world's population to its knees, and decimating them with their own fingertips

I've seen it time and time again... Bot crawlers trying to ruin your online forums for spreading STDs by tricking you into giving your credit card up to porn sites under the promise of "hooking up with a real chick!" In the end- this is what you guys will get:

Back in the old days when the world was entirely real, we just went to bars and whorehouses. While I have been to these places, I am so far unsuccessful at picking up STDs. Now don't feel bad for me..I was just avoiding the need to visit doctors who insist on injecting me with mercury based injections that could cause me or future generations of mes from developing autism. Evil Tech started early with such "life-saving" methods of getting literally under our skin and innoculating us, not against biological hazards, but from seeing the true intention of their brutish evil.
In the past, I've seen technology screw things up. In former employment, Google maps tried to send me to an entirely wrong part of town when seeking directions to an alarm I had to respond to. I've seen the wonderful addictions of cell phone usage replace the whole "putting on makeup while driving" lead to many traffic accidents, some fatal. I've worked in facilities where the lighting system was controlled entirely by computerized electronics. No simple flick of the lightswitch, and at some point, even the central control office losing control over the system. All of this the result of being the next newest most high tech civilization. And Evil Tech spawns little evil minions called hackers who will exploit our weaknesses and destroy us all...starting with our credit, then our identity altogether, and eventually a super hacker will arrive and it will be like the movie, "Live Free or Die Hard". Unfortunately, we wont have some rogue cop action superhero to save us from our own folly...and you know why? He's too busy trying to advance TO THE NEXT LEVEL OF CANDY CRUSH!

Higher, faster running technology means less people are needed to work. Supposedly, just as with the sales pitch for salary, this will free us up for more fun in life. As we've seen with salary, people are now convinced they are happy to get paid for 40 hours of work that they manage to squeeze into 50 or 60 or 70 hours every week! And technology projects... say the building of Facebook server warehouses here in central Iowa... short term there will be a LOT of construction jobs...and then for permanent jobs...few dozen at best. And quite a few million dollars later, and most likely little to no tax revenue coming in for it, we'll pay for the infrastructure we'll have to maintain with millions of more dollars. In the meantime, with less jobs, we'll be left to roam around, a little pissed off that we can't afford to do anything because robots have taken our jobs...we'll resort to stealing copper piping out of houses. some abandoned, others not so much. And yet we wont be happy until we get our next iPhone or iPad or whatever iDontgiveacrap gadget, only to find out that despite buying it after beating up 24 people to be the first in line to get it, we could've waited 6 months, got something 20 times "better" at half the price. And then we'll be pissed off again. But don't worry, we can get gas cheaper now because of technology. Why?
because we turned our food product into fuel for our cars. and TAXPAYERS will subsidize it for you, so its 23 cents a gallon cheaper than that old fossil fuel technology! sure it wont get you as far since it burns hotter and faster, but just think about that whole $3.00 or so you saved on a full tank of gas. That'll make up for your loss of 5-8 miles/gallon mileage. And the lack of cheaper fresher food for people, and the polluted waterways.

So I just looked at my dog. She scratched the inside of her ear with her hind foot. Then she proceeded to sniff that foot and then lick it. Kind of gross, sure...but she's happy, and without a cell phone, or the internet. just a stick, a tennis ball, and the remnants of some stuffed animal the kids gave her to rip the stuffing out of when playing.

So, as long as I am here, at least I can save her from being ruled by all these evil technologies. Unless of course they mandate dogs learning algebra and trigonometry...then she'll need an expensive calculator to figure it out, and on down the road to perdition she goes. And she wont actually learn made math functions easy to perform without actually knowing what the hell your doing. And people can't even count back change properly these days... they already need a machine that showed them pictures to help them punch in what you ordered to show them how much change you get back. Sadly, if those people get that $15/hour I've heard about being protested for... they'll fire a few people at every restaurant to make up the difference. And any new hires will be required to have advanced college degrees in culinary arts, or french fry management or some other new courses that are limited in scope...which you can obtain that degree for something in the neighborhood of $100 Billion (the cost of tenured professors is sky high! We'll nevermind that they are still teaching you the same material since 1986), unless you go the online route and sign up for your University of America Online

(AOL will find its own resurgence to the forefront) Degree of Burgerology for just $100K/year for 2-4 years. And for that expensive piece of paper, you can get yourself one of those highly coveted $15/hour jobs. Of course it'll take one hour of work to afford your Big Mac, with the employee discount. If you want a drink or fries with it...forget it. And then all the employees will secretly be operating as a gang of Hamburglars!

But Evil Tech has that covered...their 24/7 operating security cameras (designed to protect the employees!) will catch them in their scavenging ways and fire them.

And then they'll be forced to find new jobs... luckily they have their GPS to mislead them down the road to the next place, where they will face charges from the police, who will be driving Satellite guided mine sweeping tanks with 4 Bazillion horsepower engines run on 142% Ethanol blend that gives them an astonishing 6 miles to the gallon. But no worries, if they cant catch you before running out of gas... the big huge missile launcher will make up the distance and fry your poor ass worse than the french fries you got caught stealing!