Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Memorializing Fallen Soldiers..a day later

On Memorial Day, citizens and institutions, both private and public take time to recognize our fallen heroes. They remember the sacrifices of our soldiers on battlefields known and unknown, missing, dead, and alive. But one set of soldiers always seems to be forgotten year in and year out. Yes, those green men of heroics whose images captivate young boys. The machine gunner, the grenadier, the infantry man, the lookout, the minesweeper, and the guy who looks like he's waving traffic through. You've seen them in Walmart, your local dollar store, and they were even animated for kids' films like Toy Story.

Yes, the Plastic Green Army Brigades (which now include tan, grey, and black plastic figures for different environments, or just to have opposing forces) who have valiantly and selflessly thrown themselves into combat on their leaders' whim, without complaint.

I am reminded of a largely unknown combat zone that took on epic proportions in a battlefield only known to few as "The Dirthill on the Northside". Troops had moved in and taken over a plot of mountainous terrain lovingly referred to as The Pile. With ingenuity and lots of sweat equity, they had overcome the harsh elements of nature and created a few bridges of carefully crafted flat toothpicks, highly developed trenches along ridgelines, a road system, an airfield, and barracks facilities. They had carved out their own little piece of military heaven. But their joy in their creation would soon change to the hell that is war.

Soon a large force was seen camped out a short distance away in the valley below, using vast foliage growth as cover. It started one day with guerilla missions overnight that resulted in carefully placed minefields of small explosives. Coordinated very well, the mountain forces suffered heavy losses, at and inside the perimeter.

Clearly the generals of the Mountain forces could not let this transgression go unanswered. A few reconnaisance runs by older green plastic planes were made to determine the size and strength of the valley forces, followed closely by a bombing run by the newer, state of the art die-cast metal fighter-bombers (purchased at the local hardware store for $7.49 plus tax). Tanks forayed down the main road into the valley below. Troops on both sides prepared for all out war. War would drag on for years, with constant influx of troops on both sides, bolstering their respective numbers. Heavy artillery and air forces began to grow slowly creating more death and destruction as the days, weeks, months and years dragged on. Massive warfare had taken its toll on the Pile, and erosion had been sped up by years, as the rock and silt slowly expanded out into the valley below like a glacier cutting its own path. And then something new happened. A third party, with alien-like technology began to take advantage of the warring parties and systematically began eradicating them.

In the rainy months, attacks would come twice a week, with once a week attacks during the dryer months. Wintertime often brought peace between the two forces of Green Army men, along with the subsding of attacks from the third party. But outside of winter, honorable and well-fought wartime deaths were replaced by screams of agony from multiple men facing decapitation from the third party, leading to slow painful deaths, men being buried alive by the third party's awesome military machine of whirling death.

After many sacrificed their lives to each other as well as the new enemy, the mountain and valley forces joined together to combat this new and formidable foe. And intel was quickly gathered, the Branch Duanians, led by the Evil Duane himself, had unleashed the almost indestructible machine of war known as The Lawnmower. Literally hundreds of plastic green army men gave their lives trying to defeat this evil tyrant and his larger than life Lawnmower. But eventually, these heroes of the plastic army life went down in defeat. No surrender and no retreat as their motto, they fought it out to the death. So as Memorial Day gives way to summertime, I salute these green plastic army men and their valiant efforts to maintain their lifestyle where they were free to blow up, shoot and kill each other like any civilized plastic green army would have done. And secretly, we work toward defeating the Evil Duane and his insidious lawnmower. The Plastic Green Army men will have their revenge again someday.

Friday, May 15, 2009

They Underestimate Me

Sure it seemed like the legal, and maybe even moral thing to do, leaving me in this waste basket. I mean who really wants to show off their kid when they're this ugly. But they didn't realize something highly important. I have opposable thumbs and I (back then) had a huge appetite. The whole saying, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse? Yeah, that came from me. I chased down live horses and chewed them up like Hanibal Lecter on a Saturday night. I even got sneaky enough to take them down in public viewing. Those horses that look to be the big winner of the Kentucky Derby, and then suddenly trip and break their legs??? SNARE!!!

Of course, I'm so old color hadn't even made it to Iowa yet. In fact this picture of me was taken with a color camera. My mom took this picture as a last photo of me. She didn't want to get rid of me, but Dad was insistent. You see, they used to be really wealthy people. My dad had a huge plantation of herbs used for the alternative medicine field. Of course, nightly he had to sample his crops to make sure they were of the utmost highest quality. They spent many a night out early on, as my dad wined and dined my mother at the country club, or flew her out east to the yacht club in the Hamptons. And then I came along.

Somewhere in the genetic pool, I had acquired two very distinct qualities. I gained ugliness as the apparent, and most obvious genetic observation. But I also acquired the genes that turned me into a superhuman. I ran before I walked, I ate entire family meals on my own, and was able to wash a White House banquet's dishes faster than Superman could rotate the earth backwards. All before I was 1.

It was then that Dad realized he was going to have to get rid of me. Apparently I had eaten up his entire croplands to feed my intense energy needs. For some reason, that only made me hungrier. I couldn't figure it out. I didn't get big and fat like most people would have, as I depleted my energy almost as fast as I could consume it.

So then the day came. Mom and Dad dropped me off here in this basket at the nearby Eugenics Memorial Hospital. And one last picture and they were gone. At first I tried to gnaw my way out, but that metal was just too tough for my teeth. So then I summoned my superpowers, and lept out of the basket in a single dozen bounds, which caused the basket to fall over onto its side. Yes, I know, you're highly impressed with my abilities. I would be too, but its just another day in the life of me.

Just as my dad thought he would be able to obtain the great wealth he had built, I showed up again. Not at the front door mind you, but at the breakfast table. I had my bowl and my Donald Duck spoon, all ready for Mom to pour me some cereal. I would've gotten it myself, but those shelves in the pantry were built in, and I couldn't make them come crashing down....yet. I would be 2 before that would happen.
Anyways, my mom and dad come downstairs, and eyed me with great surprise. My mom of course was very happy. She always was the doting type. My dad however, finally resigned himself to the poverty he would have to face in feeding me. That and he just wasn't up to driving me back to the hospital's drop point again.

Then my sister came along. She was an accident of course. After having had me, they thought they were cured of having any more kids. I was clearly all too important to them on my own, or too much of a hassle...depends on whether you ask my mom or my dad. And it was at this time that most of my superpowers were destined to be drained. My sister is a lifesucker if I ever met one. She didn't want to play what I wnted to play and made me entertain myself. When we played tennis, all she wanted to do was volley. Of course this involves not keeping score. And not knowing how I can win if we arent keeping score thoroughly frustrated me until i beat my tennis racket into oblivion, and with it's breaking, so went my superpowers. I am now susceptible to being trapped in a 3 foot high basket with no way out, depsite being 5'8" tall. Life can be such hell!!

Kreativ Blog Award

I have been given a Kreative Blogger Award by Renaissance Guy

I am supposed to list 7 things I love

1. My Wife

2. My Kids

3. Dogs

4. My Cat (I posted him after a dog I don't have after yesterday's blog he put on here)

5. The smell of fresh cut grass

6. Football

7. Coffee (w/sugar of course)

I'd nominate someone for this award, but I think everyone I follow has already been nominated!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

A New Update From The Colonel

As you can see, I have learned how to take pictures of myself without the bothersome shot showing my arm extended. Also you might want to take notice that I can do all this and more with the use of opposable thumbs, you inferior humanoid ingrates.

I have taken a short bit of time out of my fairly busy day (I am VERY important and all, you know) to update you on how things are progressing in this so-called "Mookified" household.

The Napping economy has suffered slightly as result of increased Random Pscyhotic Moments production. I have personally managed to enlarge the holes in the screen of the young children's bedroom window. I mean really, I have great eyesight (fully equipped with inborn nightvision capabilities), but with so much wire criss-crossing, the view is ruined. And in step with my natural occasional moments of compassion for the people who live here, I thought, "Hey, why not improve their ability to look outside?" So, I did. General Mookie recently replaced the screen door on the slider out to "The Deck". Obviously he is very stupid with his naming privileges. This is clearly a forward observation point and launch post to combat aerial recon missions being flown in by those dastardly birds. It is also where I launch my own recon missions of the upstairs tenets in this compound. They have one sweet mama of a kitty! YOWZA
Currently, I am trying to figure a way to infiltrate this new defense screen, so that my prior activities may again run on schedule unencumbered. I keep getting chased away by the General. One of these days, he and I are going to have a little hand to hand training, and he's going to suffer an accident if you know what I mean.

Nutrient Rich imports are flowing steadily. I am currently in a race with the 10-yr old to see who can deplete the food supply, and the General's money consequently, the fastest. I am still in the recycling business as well, doing my best soldierly duty of maintaining a Green household. I have chewed up the last three days newspapers, so far managing to digest at least 1 1/2 days worth, along with a few random pieces of cardboard. I prefer corrugated over that cereal box business.

Which leads us to our main industrial output sector: Fecal Production. I am pleased to say that we are up 28% over the projections for this month, and 34% over last month, SO FAR (with 17 days left...I'm really excited about this). Must be all that fiber intake fuel used to run this smooth operation. We would put forth press photos, however, due to national security reasons, my advisors have chosen to keep them classified for the time being. My office realizes this only fuels the speculation among conspiracy theorists that there may be a second pooper behind the fuzzy blanket, but rest assured, this is a singular effort.

We will not be taking questions right now, as I have a busy schedule ahead of me today. Lots of napping, kid terrorizing, eating, oh and napping, that needs to be attended to. Thank you, that will be all.

With Regards,
Colonel Beauregard Sterling Lovell
Feline War Division, Commanding

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Pepsi Throwback Is Definitely That..a Throwback!

When I was 16 I went out to visit my Uncle George in the Northern part of Idaho, just a few miles from Sandpoint and Lake Pond Oreille, maybe 50 or so miles from the Canadian border. We planned a fishing trip in the wilderness area for just the two of us. Before we left, he was having me practice my casting so that I could put the bait out where I needed to, in order to catch the better fish. The intent was to go fishing in a mountain stream, with rushing waters and some fo the best fishing available. We ended up getting rained out with a 3 day long downpour. We had obtained a 3-day non-resident fishing license for myself, and despite the rain still coming down, my uncle decided that since we spent $20 on the license we were going to fish regardless. So we went to a nearby pond that is stocked every year.

Uncle George explained to me how big the fish needed to be for us to keep them, and which ones were too small and had to be released back into the water. So in other words, we had Keepers and Throwbacks.

Which brings me to my point. Pepsi. Now I don't know how they made Pepsi way back in the day, but I know I prefer the current version that I grew up with all my life. I am also one, who often times finds a product he likes, and hates it when they change formulas. Dr Pepper for example is good. Diet, caffeine free, cherry vanilla, whatever other flavor Dr Pepper may make...well they suck. The original product can stand on its own two feet, and has no business getting into the variety wars with the other soda companies. Coke found this out with their New Coke, idea. Pepsi found out that Pepsi Clear sucked. Both of those companies adding the lemon or lime flavors to their regular product is also a huge flop. Despite some genius thinking he has come up with the next best thing in the soda industry, no amount of marketing was going to make those products worthy. Stick to the Buy one Get One cap strategy, it works!

Anyways, so I have noticed the Pepsi Throwback product in select locations here lately. As a senior member of the "I HATE CHANGE" club, I have been rather weary of this. I buy things or order food at restuarants that I already know I like. To hell with adventure, these are my unchanging tastebuds we're talking about. But, I finally succumbed. I bought two Pepsi Throwbacks. The big thing about the Throwback is that instead of using High Fructose Corn Syrup (The next victim to be in line from the people who have effectively taken away my choice to partake in transfatty acid-laced food products, they use strictly sugar as their sweetener. Now, I am not against sugar at all. I use copious amounts in my coffee, and in my tea, as well as one bland cereals, and I like Jones Soda which uses pure cane sugar for sweetening. Well, let me tell you....238472308427042 thirsty people in China have suffered because I threw the crap into the garbage (I always loved that baseless argument....my trhowing away crap food and drinks, which i consider to be poison (think tater tot casserole when you were little) is helping save their lives if anything)rather than consuming it, barely managing to stomach 1/4 of the first bottle. The stuff is NASTY. If this was in fact the original formula of Pepsi, the changeover to HFCS was definitely the kind of change I can believe in and get behind. The Pepsi Throwback is most definitely an inferior product. If it were a fish, I would've tossed it back in the lake, and tried for something worth consuming. And to the makers of Pepsi Cola......STICK WITH WHAT WORKS!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Buggy- The Gap Toothed Killer!!!


Yesterday was the day of the boys' dental checkup. It went relatively well for Josh. A little sealant work, probably the result of biting into jolly ranchers and lollipops rather than sucking on them.
For Buggy (real name Corwyn) it was a different matter altogether. For the past few months we have known Buggy had become naturally "Bluetooth Ready". One of his top front teeth had become slightly discolored, and in certain lights had a bluish tint to it. It had recently become a little loose, but wasn't really bothering him, so we figured it would wait until the appointed time to see the dentist. the other day we discovered a nice sized cavity on a back upper molar. We knew that he was going to be getting some extra special attention with the torture expert...err dentist.
So after the initial checkup, I ran out to get lunch for the boys, as Josh was pulled from school and would miss his lunch hour, and it was passing Buggy's appointed eating time of 1130HRS. When I was informed of a 130 opening that they could do the work, and the initial appointment lasted until just after noon, I knew I had to run quick to get lunch, get the checkbook from home, email my wife to let her know the details, and get Josh back to school.

So we get back to the dentist's office, just Buggy and I. He, despite knowing he'll get yet another sticker for the day (he loves stickers), was not all that thrilled about going back for another dental checkup. He went back, got the back molar taken care of with a nerve treatment and a cap (basically a kid version of a root canal), and then the big stuff had to happen. It turned out the "blue tooth" had a nice hole right behind the lower biting edge that went straight up into the bone structure, and the two permanent front teeth were pushing down to come in. In order for them to grow in evenly, the doctor said the other front tooth, which was apaprently showing signs of loosening itself, should come out as well. SO now, you have the new look of Buggy, as witnessed above. I have dubbed him the Gap Toothed Killer. Why did I give him this name? Even I have no idea why such thoughts come into my head, but they do, and they don't go away just because you or my wife might find me a little on the weird side. But, at least now, the trouble in his mouth is taken care of, and by the time he goes to school in the fall and has pictures taken, all the relatives wont have to get the Gap Tooth look as their yearly picture update!
This first picture was taken a few hours after the appointment..he was a bit hungry, and mad that I wasn't feeding him anything, or letting him watch a certain HULK movie right away. So he looks a little more serious about it all. That and the "thing they nailed to his tooth" as he puts it, well he just couldn't understand it, and of course new caps always take a bit of time to get used to. But, all in all, it was agood dental visit. They said he did very well and didn't cry at all.


Well, the tooth fairy came last night. It turns out the price for teeth has gone up significantly since I was a child. Two teeth= $2!!!!! Beats the hell out of the quarter I always got...and if i swallowed my tooth or lost it outside while playing and couldnt find it...no tooth meant no money was my dad's explanation of the tooth fairy's rules! I was told by my wife, who called me towards the end of my work shift this morning that power was out and that Buggy had gotten his $2. As you can see, he is far more ecstatic, knowing the gap in his smile made him wealthy. I just hope he doesn't experiment with self dentistry and a hammer!

But don't let the happy face fool you, or the fact that he will show off his new look to anyone who will listen to him (I'm sure the count is well into the 20s by now). Underneath this facade is a true killer. And now he has battle scars to show off just how tough he is!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Strange Things

I am copying this idea I found from R-Guy's Blog. It is something fun to do to take our mind off of all things serious. As R-Guy says, do it yourself..or don't.

1. My uncle once: Risked death by a dog when I kicked his football over the fence into the neighbors yard.

2. Never in my life: Have I used the urinal for the #2 operation. (Sadly, I have seen evidence that not all people can make such a claim)

3. When I was five: On my 5th birthday, right after Sesame Street, it hit me that I was 5, and I jumped up and down clapping and shouting repeatedly "I'm Five, I'm Five!"

4. High School was: a lot longer than it should have been.

5. I will never forget: that I forget a lot of things even as I'm saying them!

6. I once met: a guy actually named Woody (on his birth certificate).

7. There’s this girl I know who: makes sure I get up for work in time when I shut the alarm off while still sleeping. I love my wife!

8. Once, at a bar: I have committed an act that required apologizing to many people the next workday (multiple times..glad I don't get sauced all the time anymore)

9. By noon, I’m usually: praying for sleep!

10. Last night: I went to work....as usual

11. If only I had: saved all that money I made as a teenager instead of wasting it on gas driving around in circles everynight!

12. Next time I go to church: well, I um, don't know..its been awhile.

13. Terry Schiavo: was a lady in Florida that I never knew, but heard about constantly for awhile.

14. What worries me most: is that I don't do enough to see that my family has all that they need.

15. When I turn my head left, I see: my cat running and growling, as thouhg possessed by some type of Feline Devil....in about 15 minutes or so, he'll be asleep.

16. When I turn my head right, I see: Family pictures

17. You know I’m lying when: I can't keep a straight face after having blurted out something that sounds like a legal argument.

18. What I miss most about the eighties: that damn blue rubber bouncy ball I lost!

19. If I were a character in Shakespeare, I’d be: The narrator.

20. By this time next year: I will be a year older and perhaps a bit wiser. (this was RG's response, and I have to agree)

21. A better name for me would be: Grand Exhalted Leader of the Land of Munchkins and Flying Monkeys!

22. I have a hard time understanding: how women have the ability to tell a long drawn out story instead of giving a 'yes or no' answer to a 'yes or no' question

23. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: be asking my son or sons just what the ehck they were thinking by pulling a stunt like that!

24. You know I like you if: I actually am willing to hold a conversation with you on the phone.

25. If I ever won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: the academy?

26. Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: an odd assortment of people to go in a winner takes all duel.

27. Take my advice, never: volunteer or agree to a statement that says a woman's clothes make her look fat.

28. My ideal breakfast is: Cereal

29. A song I love, but do not own is: Stairway to Heaven

30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest: playing in traffic, it's pretty light, so you should be okay.

31. Tulips, character flaws, microchips, & track stars: are all different from each other.

32. Why won’t people: just give me the stimulus money to decide how it is spent. (imagine how many tootsie rolls I could get!!)

33. If you spend the night at my house: my wife will cook you a great meal!

34. I’d stop my wedding for: absolutely nothing...my mother in law spent way too much on food for the reception..surely I would've had an 'acccident' if I had stopped anything!

35. The world could do without: Diet anything!

36. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: mess with a mama bear and her cubs.

37. My favorite blonde is: my kids

38: Paper clips are more useful than: phones

39. If I do anything well, it’s: dominate little kids in neighborhood football! (HA!)

40. And by the way: if you actually read all these, Congratulations!!! You may be the winner of $10million. I wouldn't hold your breath though...we already gave it to Congress!

Monday, May 4, 2009

Waterboarding As Torture?

A few posts on other blogs have brought this subject up, again and again, often leading to heated debates in the commentary. As usual, I'm not one to avoid stoking the fire a bit more.

Let's look at some of the methods of torture utilized by our forces

The attention grasp:

"Grasping the individual with both hands, one hand on each side of the collar opening, in a controlled and quick motion. In the same motion as the grasp, the individual is drawn toward the interrogator." The end. I've seen bigger to-dos in the halls of a high school between students, or from football coaches trying to get your thick skull to understand something when they grab you by the facemask and yank your head toward their face to explain how stupid you're being.


"This involves pushing the terrorist against a flexible wall, during which his "head and neck are supported with a rolled hood or towel that provides a C-collar effect to prevent whiplash." It seems as though Fisher-Price may have gotten a no-bid contract to provide this evil device for our military. Walling doesn't cause any pain, but is supposed to induce terror by making a "loud noise": The false wall is in part constructed to create a loud sound when the individual hits it, which will further shock and surprise.

Now, if you're feeling really uncomfortable or faint from reading this, sometimes a cold compress on the forehead is helpful, but don't let it drip or you might end up waterboarding yourself.

Sleep Deprivation:

I'm pretty sure this is self-explanatory. I subject myself to this on a daily basis to avoid paying outrageous day care expenses. I may have to contact the ACLU and see what kind of reparations I can receive for having put myself through such punishing events. I'll sue the U.S. Government for not regulating the day care industry enough to make sure that it is available to me for free, so that I might be able to pay my normal day to day bills without losing so much sleep.

And then of course, the real big deal lately: WATERBOARDING. Such a horrible way of torture that causes less pain than SNOWBOARDING!!! First, let's look at what waterboarding is. The suspect is leaned back, with a cloth over his face (this is optional), and water is run up his nostrils. It creates a snesation in the suspect that he is drowning. To be sure, it is highly uncomfortable. But to be fair, I also find watching Soap Operas to be highly uncomfortable. Now, lets look at what waterboarding is not: lethal, extremely painful, permanently damaging.

Now, many of those against torture in the form of waterboarding will tell you just how cruel this method is. To tell the truth, an exercise training regimen can be more debilitating and demoralizing. Now consider this question, all you who oppose waterboarding: Would you prefer we shot these prisoners in the head, or just poured some water up their nose?

According to the Geneva Convention, the terrorists having been caught on a battle field fighting against uniformed American (or British, or Polish, or whoever)without a clear cut uniform, or clearly visible markings of an actual army, can be shot legally, without repercussion. Which to those who are under orders to go in and capture prisoners, the idea of shooting them must be more desirable, as it is much more dangerous to corner your adversary and take them alive.

Many claim that no actionable intelligence has ever been obtained from such tactics. Well, when you obtain every word spoken, written or stored away from such actions you can use the "never" argument. Tagging the U.S. alone for torturous methodology would also be an ignorant statement. Most countries, in the past and present endeavors of war have committed acts of torture, often far more brutal than waterboarding, walling, and the like. Now, torturing prisoners to death, I will disagree with. Sadistic "fun" is not what it's all supposed to be about. Our methods of torture are to be used strictly to gain information that can save lives, either immediately, or to be gleaned for future incidences where it may be applicable (force structures, locations, tactics, etc).

Those who will not talk willingly may be deemed, necessary to save innocent lives or the lives of our brothers in arms, to go under these torturous practices. For those of you who say that torture is in no way to be condoned, even if innocent lives are at stake, I would say that the blood of the innocents should be shouldered by you, for refusing to help them.