Thursday, July 22, 2010

New Blog By Old Guy Added To My List

(title note: I'll take my potshots where I can)

So yesterday, as usual, I sit down at the computer with my coffee. I got an email message from my old (no pun intended) High School English teacher, Larry Sorensen, or as I know him: MR. Sorensen.

When it comes to addressing people I grew up with, especially teachers, I find myself confused as to call them by their actual name, or to continue to address them with formal title. Fifteen years ago, if I had called the guy Larry, I surely would've been flogged. Not sure if a teacher flogging a student back those many years was legal, but I wouldn't put it past him, and I think he and I both know I would never have said a word about it. The thought of being flogged again for being a rat wouldn't have set well in my mind.

Anyways, I get a message from him telling me about his new page where he will be blogging and also doing some occasional poetry as well. I read some of his writings, and like his personality, his writings can be quite humorous. I think a lot of you who read this blog (I'm still not sure what in the hell you were thinking by doing that), will find Mr. Sorensen's blog much more humorous, witty, and entertaining. At least it'd better be. I'm an idiot with random musings, he actually taught this reading and writing stuff. His poetry teachings never stuck with me, nor the whole speech thing, or...well most of it never stuck. I spent my time in his class usually paying more attention when he was just talking and telling stories. I personally found them more valuable and entertaining, although he did have us read a few good books that I still remember. Just for the record, Great Expectations was not one of them, in my humble opinion. But like I said, I'm an idiot, and wouldn't recognize great literature if it walked up to me and socked me in the nose. I still keep Calvin & Hobbes on hand for my heavy reading. Either way, I stayed awake in his class, which is more than I can say for a lot of the other teachers I had.

So head on over to Larry's page- Just Jokin' and give it a read. I haven't found a comment section, but he does have a contact page if you want to give him feedback or just swap stories about what a punk I am.

Monday, July 19, 2010

I Need An Indestructible Mechanical Head

So, I went back to the dentist today. Now some of you know that I have only two whole real teeth left in my mouth. Well today was x-rays and cleaning, in preparation for even more work.

I once had my mouth to the point of being almost completely taken care of. Then a wisdom tooth comes out of nowhere, and due to finances at the time I couldn't afford to have it pulled so that I could re-insert my bottom partial. That was a couple years back. A few months ago I had the deteriorated wisdom tooth pulled. And now I wanted to get refitted for a new set of bottom teeth.

So I went to the dentist who insisted on checking the integrity of my two teeth. As usual, there had been some deterioration underneath where the crown had been placed. It is my opinion that the previous dentist put the crowns on too soon before allowing my mouth to heal up properly, so the crown didn't go all the way down into my gum line the way it should. The dentist didn't come out and say it, but I think she agreed.

With the current crowns, a lot of the tooth is blocked from the view of the x-rays, and they found a slight cavity, but they have no idea how big it may be underneath the crown. Lovely. Just friggin lovely. this is of course after being subjected to a long time in the torture chamber, err, dentists chair to get scraped, poked, and all cleaned up. I swear the work on those two teeth took longer to get cleaned up than any dentist in my life had taken on me when I had a full set. I've never LIKED going to the dentist, but it was never an excruciatingly dreadful experience that I freaked out about going, like some people do. But after this session, I think I'm not liking them so much anymore. The sound of them scraping my teeth reminded me of fingernails on a chalkboard, or dragging a coffee mug across a rough counter top tile. The mere thought of which makes the teeth I no longer have hurt like hell. I hate that friggin noise!

Well, I go in on Thursday to get my upper relined for a better snugger fit. Then we go to work on the two bottom teeth. One needs to have some buildup work done on it to protect the tooth underneath that crown better. Then there is the left one, the one with the cavity. They will be cutting the old crown off to inspect the extent of the cavity damage. Then we'll proceed to either fill it in and cap it, root canal it and cap it, or insert a post to hold the remainder of the tooth and new crown in place. Then we go on the partial to clip in.

I do want to thank my wife for taking a job that covers my dental needs in her benefits package, without also having to charge me for the health insurance itself as a costly prerequisite that I won't use anyways. My company offers benefits, but they cost a bit too much and aren't nearly as good as her insurance. And quite frankly I'd like to have something resembling a paycheck rather than forfeit it all for substandard insurance.

I have an immune system that I would put up against any one's at anytime. but for some reason, no matter what I do for my teeth, no matter how many thousands of dollars I put into them, they just SUCK!

I think that while we're at it, I just have them lop this head off, sculpt a desirable face and make me a new one out of titanium or some other almost impossible to destroy alloy. Then I could have razor sharp shark teeth put in, so I could just walk into a field along any number of our Iowa roads and get my beef straight from the source with a simple biting. No need for all those middle men involved in rendering, distributing, cooking and serving my beef at a marked up cost. Of course, if I ever bite my tongue, that might prove disastrous. Maybe we'll go with dull-razor sharp teeth? But then I would also never have to worry about shaving anymore. And they could insert my eyes with x-ray and infrared capabilities, telescopic sighting, and maybe even a smart weapon technology that would allow me to aim any piece of my arsenal just by moving my eyes to the target. Now THAT would be cool! And of course, entertaining the family by installing a laser pointer in there to make the cat chase it around the floor and up the walls. That's always a good time for all who get to see it. Cats are psychotically driven to chase those things. And right now, the only thing my cat goes after with that sudden movement capability is a fly. He ate one yesterday after chasing it around the apartment for about 5 or 6 minutes yesterday.

Of course once I get that installed, I'm sure there'd be someone like Sarah or John Connors coming to destroy me since I would be too much like one of the terminator machines. But, at least I wouldn't have any teeth issues anymore, and life would be grand. And, I could just pull back my facial skin at Halloween to freak the kids out!

Anyways, hopefully within the next month to month and a half, this will be all done, and then I can just go in for 6 month cleanings/check-ups and not worry so much...except for that incessant scraping noise!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

10 Years Later....

Really Beautiful Wife, Or 12th Russian Spy Confirmed

Ten years ago today was the day my status went up in this world. I married my wife, which infinitely improved my life. On a facebook post I made earlier today to the same effect, she commented that it was the second semi-public sweet thing I've done/said within the last week. To be honest I'm not sure I remember what the first one was, but I wasn't about to ask her right then. She'll read this and then inform me of whatever it was, maybe. In the same breath/typing she wondered if I had been dropped on my head or something recently. I've informed her that she has the rest of her life to be confused about when I've fallen on my cranium and when I'm just being her usual suspect.

While she was preparing for work, our youngest was messing with her hat on the couch. The same hat on her head in this picture, and the same hat I blogged about previously in which I have identified it as her "commie hat". She told me to quit calling it that, when I identified it as such to Corwyn. I stated as matter-of-factly as usual that I call it that because that's what it is. I mean c'mon! Look at it! Standard Communist Revolutionary Headgear! I've seen footage from Cuba, and other central and South American communist revolutionary periods in which this very kind of hat was quite prominently worn by those who felt oppression of the masses, in the name of the masses was far better than a more possibly freedom-inducing environment. I also mentioned that I may have found an undiscovered 12th member of the Russian spy ring, recently uncovered by the FBI.

Her Response? "Why do you say that? Am I THAT hot?" Now to the untrained eye, this merely seems like a woman baiting a guy for a compliment. But for a professional Rent-A-Cop like myself, this was a veiled confession. I responded with some random psychobabble to avoid her catching on that I knew about her secret identity. And then I took this picture. She asked why. I said I might need it for a blog. She was rightly suspicious of me and my blogging intentions. However, she had to go to work, and didn't have time to delete the picture hastily, in order to keep from having her cover blown. Well, it's too late, and right here, in front of the world (or at least my 8 or 9 readers), I am shedding the light on more undercover spy agents in our midst! The media made light of the attractiveness of one of the Russian spies, but my wife is likely to make that one look like a big pile of dog mess in comparison.

I find myself confused at this moment. I am feeling inordinately patriotic having uncovered this plot against not only my country, but the Mookified compound itself. At the same time, I don't know how I missed it. She has no accent and speaks absolutely zero Russian as far as I can tell. She clearly was deep undercover. She convinced her mother that she came from her, and has blended in with family very nicely. Almost as if, she had been one of them since birth. Brainwashing must have occurred at a highly secret Soviet-era facility to unknowingly bring her whole family into the fold. Then in a move that could only be conjured up by remnants of the KGB, she infiltrated my life, made me fall in love with her, marry her and have two sons with her. She speaks as though down home conservative hate mongering is her native language, yet she pretends to detest talk radio.

However, her espionatic (I'm pretty sure I made that word up, but please feel free to use it openly and spread it around) ways were not enough to keep her subconscious need for comrade wear buried away forever. And she doesn't mind vodka on occasion. Maybe that was the giveaway. In my America-loving opinion, only hard core alcoholics (which my wife is not) and commies (I'm beginning to question things here)can really and truly enjoy a nasty concoction made from potatoes such as Vodka! BLECH!

Now I have read reports that the other 11 haven't been charged or suspected of any real espionage. However, the possible finding of the 12th Commie (not to be confused with the 12th Imam), squarely embedded within the Mookist Compound? Clearly the idea that high-level espionage has been occurring has to be considered. After all, with all the wealth of knowledge and power that resides with the Mook and his trusty sidekick, Colonel B.S. Lovell, mining the information that lies within these walls and turning it over to Russia could be detrimental not only to the General and his people, but to the world at large! You think the worldwide economic meltdown was horrendous, or the BP gulf oil spill insanely dangerous? Just wait and see what happens if my wife gets away with this.

I just remembered something vitally important. She'll read this before coming home. By the time you read this I may be dead, from her dispatching a secret assassination squad, or be transported to a secret gulag somewhere in the remote regions of Siberia. Not only then will Russia keep her secret safe, but the anti-Mookist forces out there will gain an even stronger foothold, which is equally bad, if not worse.

Of course, despite all that, I'll still technically be able to lay claim to having a really hot wife!