Saturday, July 26, 2014

NO GAY SEX! (unless you have a LOT of cash to fork over)

So here I am, sitting here at the computer wasting time on Facebook, and going back and forth looking at other pages. Along with Google, my spam mail is promising money left and right. Payday loans, bad credit loans worth more than I've ever had at any one time, free grants the government is just going to pay me to sit here on my ass.

So sure, I can definitely use more money. Not at 3500% interest or whatever, and I'm certainly not sending in $45 (normally $245, but I'm getting a special deal! they must know how awesome I am) to get my free information kit on how to make $1000s a day just like this guru with his fancy webpage and video of him driving nice cars. The whole thing on facebook of bill gates or some random ass lottery winner saying they will give you free money if you share the post and just ask for about a joke.

First off, Bill Gates isn't giving me money. Secondly, despite being part of the Giving Pledge thing a bunch of billionaires put together as their own little charitable club they belong to (I suspect mostly to make them feel better about themselves in a public relations sense), these guys aren't giving money away to regular people. They are looking at "legitimate" charities. I suspect they have a hand in running some of those charities to begin with, which is almost ridiculous if you ask me. That's more like a tax write off without actually losing a penny.

I tend to peruse the job ads from time to time, and I've found out hard work often pays less than everything else. A 16 year old ditz in high school speaking on the phone using a pre-written script to work from actually makes more money than most jobs I see where manual labor is actually involved for some guy just trying to support his family. And it's also amazing how many jobs now require a college education just to get some job that pays less than $30,000 a year! What the hell is THAT? Is the state of our public education system so bad that you need college just to get you closer to a simple wage that's high enough to pay the bills of a mediocre lifestyle? And what's with all the staffing companies? Every corporation out there is working with a bunch of $10-$15/hr workers who aren't really working FOR the company. Don't get me wrong, a lot of those people do great work, and for some that's the only way to get work. I guess it's better to float the CEO's pay when you underpay everyone and don't have to offer them perks...

Now, I don't have much in the way of job skills. I was the 16 year old ditz on the phone, I sided houses for awhile, I did security work, and I've worked in restaurants. None of which paid all that well. Sometimes I worked very hard at those jobs, but a lot of the time I kind of slacked off and just did what needed to be done without anything extra. Why? Because it didn't really matter much. Months of hard work resulted in me making no more than some guy who spent his entire day jerking off. Sometimes I made even less than those guys who didn't know their head from their ass, and I was picking up their slack. But it seemed my low wage was barely able to be afforded by the boss, so no raise for me or anyone else. Now don't mind me, I'm just venting, the entire point of this article isn't to complain, I just lost focus for a bit...and I'm too lazy to delete all that wasted effort.

These days I'm still trying to figure out how to make more money. A substantial amount to be exact, not just something to get me by for the next week or so. I'm talking about random ass jobs for good money. And I've decided I have VERY FEW caveats. You pick the job, task, etc- minus the caveats listed below- and we'll talk.

1) I will NOT kill anyone for cash (although I might maim someone for the right price- which also means you footing the lawyer fees). If you want me to be your killing dummy, we do the cash ahead of time of course so I can get the money to the wife and kids first. Then I'll be your huckleberry.

2) I will NOT let a bull charge me and ram me right in the gonads...or take a baseball bat there. Plain and simple: no nut shots that could result in permanent damage!
I mean c'mon, I'm pretty dumb, I'll admit that. But I'm not COMPLETELY insane!

3) NO GAY SEX (unless you're coming with something like a million bucks or more, I'm thinking closer to $10 million, but we can negotiate- AND that gets no publicity- save that for Dallas Cowboy fans)

Other than that I'm pretty much game. I'll drive you around town, do your shopping, you name it. You want your house demolished, re-drywalled or burned down, I'm your guy. You want me to clean your house in some odd looking outfit (or no outfit at all) while you videotape it? You're a special kind of odd, but I'll still do it! You want me to play a real life game of Frogger on the freeway, wrestle wild herds of feral cats, whatever your fetish might be, I'm your man. You tell me what game you want me to play, we'll discuss a price tag and then I'll do whatever it is you want for that price. Proof of funds are required and I get paid that day. Don't get me wrong, I still have every intention of continuing working a job, short of winning a big lottery I just want to raise about $100,000 so I can wipe my debts out and get a good down payment for a house. Although I would definitely take more money than that if the jobs just keep coming. Every man has his price, and I'm no different. It's all a matter of negotiation with me. I CAN be bought!

So pass this on to all your friends that actually have money they are willing to part with in order to be entertained by directing my antics and help me make some real friggin money.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Evil Technology Rears Its Ugly Head Again!

And so it begins again... brought to my attention by a certain infamous radio personality, Eric Stone:

Evil technology is trying to destroy us financially, ruin our infrastructure, recreational and work places, educational foundation, and generally hamper our society as much as possible. All of this under the guise of advancement and bringing the world to our fingertips with ease.

In a top secret document uncovered by the Mookified Compound's Intelligence community the last half of that sentence actually reads as a paraphrasing of Evil Tech's official mission statement To promote the advancement of robots and bringing the world's population to its knees, and decimating them with their own fingertips

I've seen it time and time again... Bot crawlers trying to ruin your online forums for spreading STDs by tricking you into giving your credit card up to porn sites under the promise of "hooking up with a real chick!" In the end- this is what you guys will get:

Back in the old days when the world was entirely real, we just went to bars and whorehouses. While I have been to these places, I am so far unsuccessful at picking up STDs. Now don't feel bad for me..I was just avoiding the need to visit doctors who insist on injecting me with mercury based injections that could cause me or future generations of mes from developing autism. Evil Tech started early with such "life-saving" methods of getting literally under our skin and innoculating us, not against biological hazards, but from seeing the true intention of their brutish evil.
In the past, I've seen technology screw things up. In former employment, Google maps tried to send me to an entirely wrong part of town when seeking directions to an alarm I had to respond to. I've seen the wonderful addictions of cell phone usage replace the whole "putting on makeup while driving" lead to many traffic accidents, some fatal. I've worked in facilities where the lighting system was controlled entirely by computerized electronics. No simple flick of the lightswitch, and at some point, even the central control office losing control over the system. All of this the result of being the next newest most high tech civilization. And Evil Tech spawns little evil minions called hackers who will exploit our weaknesses and destroy us all...starting with our credit, then our identity altogether, and eventually a super hacker will arrive and it will be like the movie, "Live Free or Die Hard". Unfortunately, we wont have some rogue cop action superhero to save us from our own folly...and you know why? He's too busy trying to advance TO THE NEXT LEVEL OF CANDY CRUSH!

Higher, faster running technology means less people are needed to work. Supposedly, just as with the sales pitch for salary, this will free us up for more fun in life. As we've seen with salary, people are now convinced they are happy to get paid for 40 hours of work that they manage to squeeze into 50 or 60 or 70 hours every week! And technology projects... say the building of Facebook server warehouses here in central Iowa... short term there will be a LOT of construction jobs...and then for permanent jobs...few dozen at best. And quite a few million dollars later, and most likely little to no tax revenue coming in for it, we'll pay for the infrastructure we'll have to maintain with millions of more dollars. In the meantime, with less jobs, we'll be left to roam around, a little pissed off that we can't afford to do anything because robots have taken our jobs...we'll resort to stealing copper piping out of houses. some abandoned, others not so much. And yet we wont be happy until we get our next iPhone or iPad or whatever iDontgiveacrap gadget, only to find out that despite buying it after beating up 24 people to be the first in line to get it, we could've waited 6 months, got something 20 times "better" at half the price. And then we'll be pissed off again. But don't worry, we can get gas cheaper now because of technology. Why?
because we turned our food product into fuel for our cars. and TAXPAYERS will subsidize it for you, so its 23 cents a gallon cheaper than that old fossil fuel technology! sure it wont get you as far since it burns hotter and faster, but just think about that whole $3.00 or so you saved on a full tank of gas. That'll make up for your loss of 5-8 miles/gallon mileage. And the lack of cheaper fresher food for people, and the polluted waterways.

So I just looked at my dog. She scratched the inside of her ear with her hind foot. Then she proceeded to sniff that foot and then lick it. Kind of gross, sure...but she's happy, and without a cell phone, or the internet. just a stick, a tennis ball, and the remnants of some stuffed animal the kids gave her to rip the stuffing out of when playing.

So, as long as I am here, at least I can save her from being ruled by all these evil technologies. Unless of course they mandate dogs learning algebra and trigonometry...then she'll need an expensive calculator to figure it out, and on down the road to perdition she goes. And she wont actually learn made math functions easy to perform without actually knowing what the hell your doing. And people can't even count back change properly these days... they already need a machine that showed them pictures to help them punch in what you ordered to show them how much change you get back. Sadly, if those people get that $15/hour I've heard about being protested for... they'll fire a few people at every restaurant to make up the difference. And any new hires will be required to have advanced college degrees in culinary arts, or french fry management or some other new courses that are limited in scope...which you can obtain that degree for something in the neighborhood of $100 Billion (the cost of tenured professors is sky high! We'll nevermind that they are still teaching you the same material since 1986), unless you go the online route and sign up for your University of America Online

(AOL will find its own resurgence to the forefront) Degree of Burgerology for just $100K/year for 2-4 years. And for that expensive piece of paper, you can get yourself one of those highly coveted $15/hour jobs. Of course it'll take one hour of work to afford your Big Mac, with the employee discount. If you want a drink or fries with it...forget it. And then all the employees will secretly be operating as a gang of Hamburglars!

But Evil Tech has that covered...their 24/7 operating security cameras (designed to protect the employees!) will catch them in their scavenging ways and fire them.

And then they'll be forced to find new jobs... luckily they have their GPS to mislead them down the road to the next place, where they will face charges from the police, who will be driving Satellite guided mine sweeping tanks with 4 Bazillion horsepower engines run on 142% Ethanol blend that gives them an astonishing 6 miles to the gallon. But no worries, if they cant catch you before running out of gas... the big huge missile launcher will make up the distance and fry your poor ass worse than the french fries you got caught stealing!