Sunday, November 6, 2011

State of the Cat Address

From the Desk of Colonel Beauregard Sterling Lovell

The State of the Cat is improving in this last week. After escaping a harrowing session of torture, things are beginning to return to as normal as they can be.

Two weeks ago, I was trapped into a a portable cell, and transported to a man they call "Doc". Some call him a vet, others call him other things. Without a doubt he is a veteran in the underworld of the dark practices of torture. I remember being let free from my cell only to be stuck with needles. When I came too, and after what was most likely an intense session of questioning and further torture, I found my fingernails yanked from their rightful place. They had attempted to extract more information from me while keeping me heavily drugged.

However, being a Cat and an Officer, I have a much sharper mind, and while withholding any sensitive information, Planned my daring escape. They tried to thwart me with newspaper in my latrine instead of my usual sandbox that I have become accustomed to. It took a little while to get my legs back, having been so heavily doped up on their drugs, however began to get my balance back. I convinced a weaker minded human being to replace the sand in my latrine, and feed me heartily while I nursed backed to health. We have seen a return to increased fecal output, however our ability to invade the upper deck has been nullified without use of my climbing paws. Keeping the small child that runs around the Mookified Compound in line has proven an upward battle. I intend to use a nighttime attack to put him back in his place in the pecking order around here.

I still suffer tenderness and some soreness in my left front paw, for which revenge will be exacted at a later time. I will be holding full investigations on this Rendition program, the methods of torture/enhanced interrogation that have been employed on me personally, and other such matters... hopefully I can get them televised to the public through C-Span 9. I believe the greater public awareness will help bring "Doc" to justice on the international level. In the meantime, I prepare to bring the General down for his part in this dastardly plot. I have taken over his chair, antagonize him during his "meetings on the throne", and prepare to stalk his sleeping quarters to allow for him to suffer from sleep deprivation and greater levels of paranoia. Then maybe I'll rip out his fingernails...

Col. B.S. Lovell
Feline Combat Div., Commanding


Selena said...

HAhahahahahaha! First, I love your cat's name.

Second, I love the idea that he wrote it as a tortured soldier.

Third, I gave you an award. Go to my blog (title Bwaa haa haa haa haa) to claim it.


Mookie said...

Thank you so much! I love my cats name too! I think it ends up giving him a bit of a superiority complex, but then again he is a bit of an asshole. And despite his ranting and raving, it was NOT torture, but enhancement training and hygenical treatment.

Lastly I have claimed the award and just finished adding my 3 cents!

Mac said...

So this morning the tortured soldier that is Colonel decides he wants a drink from the sink. Of course he requires fresh water and that it be running. Yes he is demanding. As he talks to the faucet and smacks around the dripping water to let it know who is boss he slips falls side ways and laying prone in the tiny sink with running water! Yes this what I have to deal with daily, not to mention his fearless leader! Lol