My Ego Has Turned Me Into A Superhero

Well, sort of. Let's see where to start. This year I've changed out my first ever electrical outlet in a friend's apartment as well as assisted in car repair duties. I've moved heavy stuff up to 3rd floor apartments for 3 different sets of friends this year already (it seems none of my friends can do the whole 1st floor thing, they want me to work waaay too hard I guess). I even mowed a friends lawn for them while they were at work. You know, MANLY stuff.

I recently returned to my blog, having been given access to the internet within my compound from a friend's WIFI access. While I regard this as a laudable achievement to be greeted with much fanfare, it's not just me boosting my ego. Below is a comment from another blogger who's site I have always been a regular visitor prior to "unplugging" from this interweb thingy for a few months:

◦MOOKIE!!!

Welcome back!!! I can’t tell you how good it is to hear from you. I’m just getting back to writing on something resembling a regular basis myself. June and July were pretty dismal but I just didn’t have the need to say anything. By the time I started writing again I lost so many regulars. I thought I lost you as well. It’s really good to see you back. My world is saved already!

Peace

Comment by brotherpeacemaker |

See, even in suburban Des Moines, Iowa, I am saving some people's world by merely being back on the internet. Mookism has extended its power to reach all the way to St Louis, Missouri. On top of that, it has stretched the other way all the way across the Pacific Ocean to Taiwan, where a cousin of mine lives. She has stated her quality of life improved now that she doesn't have to rely strictly on email (we used to Skype with each other regularly prior to my internet-less world) and me getting my lazy butt up the road to the library every once in a great while (also read as RARELY).

So you see, it is not me just praising myself. But there really are other people in the world who think highly of me. My oldest kid is 12, So in about a year or so, I'm sure his opinion of me will go down dramatically as he goes through his teenage years. The youngest, still finds me amusing in a good way. But he's 7, so I can only enjoy that about another 5 years or so before he turns to the dark side as well.

Now in the meantime I need to figure out how to capitalize on this popularity. Politics is not the route I intend to go. I'm eligible for the Presidency for the 2016 elections, when I expect to garner enough support to get myself elected to El Dictator for 4 years, when I shall relinquish my dictatorship having solved the world's problems by telling everybody how it is, in between a few ego-crushing butt kickings from my father... They'll be scheduled for Thursdays at 3pm, and available on pay per view for $29.99 where all proceeds go toward our national debt. I'm sure he'll throw in a few extra whoopings just because he's my dad, and a few more because he thinks I'm being a bit too much of a jerk about things. I'd threaten to cut out his retirement package entirely and donate it to someone else, but he'd probably find a way to ground me anyways, and take away my allowance. And he'd make me believe it really was for my own good, rather than his own sadistic amusement at having more power than the duly elected Dictator Mookie.

In the meantime, I have ideas and plans for an economic experiment on a micro scale to ensure real job creation and economic stimulus, including debt reduction across the nation. So SCOTT ERB...if you're reading this, you need to email me so I can fill you in and ask for some help on this secret issue. (you'll be compensated handsomely) If it works, I see no reason why I wont be made Dictator of the United States (DOTUS) for 4 years.

If it doesn't work, then I need to come up with a plan to make the Powerball Lotto people cooperate with me so I win a big jackpot! Those damn retailers keep selling me faulty tickets!

Superhero Fails to Subdue Mookie

When I was growing up, you had comic books, cartoons and action figures to revere the superheroes. Kid's were given an animated snese of right and wrong, good and evil. There were the Superheroes, and then there were the villains.

Yesterday I was viciously and unprovokingly attacked by Superman. Apparently my local notoriety of being quite the Super Rent-A-Cop (the term "super" here is self-aggrandizing, yes, but its my story, and thusly my reality. Deal with it!) has offended this special class of superheroes I looked up to as a young boy.

Or maybe it was the fact that Superman, having had his likeness super-imposed on a pair of underwear for a 5 year old offended him. Maybe the thought of baing plastered to the butt of Buggy, and then haphazardly discarded onto the floor about 2feet from the pile of dirty laundry, instead of being prized and coveted (much like my GI JOE with the kung fu grip) has caused Superman to make the decision to leap into action.

While walking innocently from my bedroom to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee for my wife and I, Superman nefariously placed himself right under my foot. My big toe caught itself in the elastic waistband. As I continued to step forward, my rear foot came down on the backside of the dragging superhero underwear. In what can only be described as an amazing sense of balance and athletic prowess by yours truly, I narrowly avoided sling-shotting my face into the living room carpet. I'm not sure of the mechanics, but then again, I can only pretend to understand the capabilities of an underwear adorned superhero.

With the quick ninja-like reactions I was born with, I saved myself from a very embarrasing self face planting. I quickly throttled the slightly dirty Superman underwear and gave him his very own sling-shot ride into the dirty laundry pile in retribution for his grave error in tangling with The Mookie.

Once again, I saved my own day!!