Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Cooties and the Mass Female Gender Problems Associated Therein

By Dr James I (my alias), Senior Advisor of Life Sciences (made up title), James Medical Institute (Grand illusion of my mentalities medical research school)

Description: A short summary of the results concluded from my seminal (can't say I've ever been able to use this word in any of my writings before) work on Cooties research (my specialty).


Cooties is an inherent trait of the Human race, genetically passed on to each generation ensuring influence over certain biologies and psychologies of 100% of the human race.

I have identified that while all humans are carriers of this disease, full blown cooties infestations only affect a certain percentage of the human race. For those of you playing at home, take out a piece of scratch paper and take note. Draw out the male chromosomal representation as Xy. Now, take that same symbol, and on the lower right side, extend the short line of the 'y' to make an 'x'. You will notice this extra 'tail' is where the cooties gene lies. You will also notice that when you do this you make "XX" or the chromosomal representation of a female.

Clearly this is indicative that why all humans are carriers of the Cooties gene, that only females seemt o be infected, with some exceptions. In certain chromosomal anomalies such as XXY, there may be certain biological differences in anatomical structure. But this person would be truly infected with Cooties. Now some may argue that the XYY would merely be a carrier. But we here at the James Medical Institute disagree. In order for the body to maintain this chromosomal imbalance the second would have to be stacked on top of the other Y and flipped upside-down, thus making an alternate form of X, thereby showing definite signs of cooties infection.

Cooties, while thought to be a made up disease by young children, is in fact real. You can know this by simply looking up the word in the dictionary. And yes, you will see it is a body louse, according to definition. However, unlike most louse, who appear on the surface of the human body, this one is bloodborne and thrives on the internal body structure for its life.

This parasite, obviously affecting anatomical structure noted by the physical differences between males and females, is not the only havoc it wreaks upon humanity. As noted, certain psychologies are affected, and most differences associated with gender, from an early age on up through adulthood for the entirety of life can be in fact attributed to The Cooties Factor.

Scenarios and Causal Determinations:

- Hatred of getting dirty by girls: Cooties
- Avoiding P.E. Class in High School to avoid getting sweaty by girls: Cooties
- Inability to comprehend that male counterparts can indeed be thinking nothing: Cooties
- Emotional outbursts for no apparent reason: Cooties
- Necessity of mass amounts of pillows on a bed when not in use: Cooties
- PMS: Cootie
- Inability to comprehend basic logic and its use to solve everything: Cooties
- Anorexia and Bulimia: Cooties
- Need for expensive things, and Compulsive Shoppers' Disorder : Cooties
- Need for being held and emotional verbiage from the men in their lives: COOTIES!
- Getting pelted in the mouth by a snowball by a hysterically laughing young boy of the same age: Cooties

These are just a few mere examples of the many thousands we have uncovered in our decade of research that are linked directly to the infestation of full blown cooties. Scientifically speaking, men who later develop the ability to speak girly stuff like their emotions out in the open, or those who wish to be a woman, and SOME homosexual men have been identified in our research as having moved from simple carrier to having been fully infected by cooties.

Cures for Cooties:
None. However, Cooties vaccines are being developed as this is written. so far, they are only good for 6 months. We are hoping soon to break through to the once a year cooties shot, and eventually to a permanent vaccine which can be injected into the fetus in order to hopefully eradicating cooties altogether. Of course, careful measures will have to be taken to avoid eliminatng girls from the human race in the process. Sooner or later those girls turn into women. And all non-cooties-infected men love women.

Result of this study's official publishment: Possible death to the author from a certain someone he knows that is obviously riddled with cooties.


Anonymous said...

OMG I'm laughing so hard I can't even come up with a really great threat to your life here...............ROFLMAOAPIMP

I'm sending a copy and paste of this to myself to slowly work up why cooties are a MALE INDUCED ISSUE!!!

P.S. I'm also calling your wife to plan with her on your torture treatment............LOL

Thanks for the laugh, work is so hectic right now packing up to move that I soooooo needed that! :-)

Mookie said...

well, if I remember correctly you believe in the GoddESS..which means you still end up blaming a female entity!

Glad I could make you laugh. Hope things work out for you after the 1st of the month!

Anonymous said...

Actually, Mike, the joy of being me is that I believe in ONE universal force. That force goes by many different names at any given time, be it God, Goddess, Allah, whatever your diety of choice is.......all are one and the same. AND there is no gender specific to this force for it is all.

But that's just MY belief system.