My Niece's Senior Prom (along with some of my own idiocy)

Kristi and her date


This weekend, instead of taking the opportunity to rest and do nothing at home, I accompanied my buddy Stew in the limo he was driving his daughter/my niece and her friends to their prom.
Kristi and her other date. He was shared with another girl in the group
Given it was a special night for my niece, Kristi, I figured I would go ahead and use this as one of the very rare occasions in life to dress up. That and I probably would have been beaten to death by a 17 year-old girl and her mother. That is if my wife had even allowed me to escape without doing so, of which there is a 0% chance of happening. My wife understands the social implications and would not allow me to embarrass her or my niece by association by showing up in scrubby jeans and a greasy hole-filled t-shirt.

So Stew was the driver and I was tasked with being the henchman to keep all the little hormone-laden adolescent boys in check, as well as being the guy who operates the door for all these high school prom goers. We arrived at my niece's house just in time to walk into the tight confines of Estrogenville where the girls were still in the process of getting ready, along with some help from Lorri, Kristi's mom. My niece had no idea I was coming, and I sat in the back of the limo until we got there, and her dad went in and got her to bring her out to show her "a surprise he brought along". She seemed relatively pleased that I showed up.
Kristi with a very proud Mom and Daddy/limo driver

Eventually the boys showed up. Out of respect for my niece I decided to be nice. But not too nice. After all, as the henchman and uncle, it was my duty to murder any of these punks for even the slightest offense. Partially out of my natural protective nature, and partially because murdering high school boys is an area my resume sorely lacks. So I was torn when the boys appeared to be well behaved gentlemen throughout my time there.
I was supposed to watch over these young people, along with 3 others who showed up later

Once everyone was ready, we proceeded outside for some photos to be taken, and then off to the high school for some grand promenade march. All the couples went across the stage one at a time, announced by the principal, with names, parents, and random tidbits of information- some of it funny, some of it serious. All the couples looked very nice, especially my beautiful niece (and her date).

Once all the couples in our group were done, we decided to get the heck out of there rather than wait on every other couple to go through. We got the important ones out of the way. And it was as we were ready to leave that one of the random moments of moronism in The Mook's life occurred:

While Stew and Lorri waited on the kids to get out into the hallway, I decided to use the restroom before taking the drive over to another town for dinner. I saw the sign indicating a bathroom off the main corridor. I went in, and as I looked up and down the long wall all I saw were stalls. No urinals, merely sit down units. Now a normal guy would think twice about this, go back outside the door and double check to make sure he had the right gender's restroom. Not THIS guy. I merely stepped into a stall, lifted the lid and proceeded to alleviate my tiny woman bladder of its contents. In the middle of the process a lady walks in. I found it funny that she had come into the restroom I was using and snickered audibly, when she gasped at the sight of me. She asked if this was the women's room, to which I firmly and assuredly told her that it was not. She exits, and about 10 seconds later leans in the door to inform me that it IS in fact the women's restroom. I uttered something to the effect of "CRAP" as the sudden realization of my stupidity set in to my dense brain matter.
See? I can dress up, even if my wife says this picture makes me look fat. Plus, it makes for a stylish exit from the lady's room
As I walked out, I looked for the expected stare down from this lady to see just who the moron guy is that went into the women's room. I spotted her immediately, took a graceful bow, and made some comment to the effect that I apparently can't even read pictures. I have determined that the heavy bladder clouded my ability to see the silhouette of a girl in a dress next to the bathroom entrance. The room wasn't marked by words, but by these shapes of people. Stew and Lorri were a bit confused when I came out and took my bow, then noticed my social faux pas. To my credit, I did put the seat back down and took the time to wash my hands before leaving the little girls' room. The lady who had interrupted me, and another adult woman were quite amused at my idiocy. So I was glad to have provided a moment of frivolity that could be shared with perfect strangers, as well as all my friends who will read this.

But then we were on our way. We packed all the kids into the limousine, and set off for the Pizza Ranch for that nights supper. Even on prom night, it is weird to see the gender separation. All the boys sat on one side of the long tables and girls on the other side. At one point during our meal, I was having a discussion with one of the adults and did some pointing across the room in order to make a point. Something along the lines of saying if some guy went and tried to look down my niece's dress I would be able to spot it and kill him before he ever saw me leave my seat. Well, my finger ended up pointing right by my niece's head. She piped up and called me by my full first name. That name is only to be uttered when I am in trouble. As far as I am concerned, I was not to be in trouble with my 17 year-old niece at this moment. So I asked her in a very loud and plain manner if she had just cussed at me. One of the boys at the table saw the opportunity to jump in and flip her crap. I snapped my head in his direction and told him in a very quick but authoritative cracking of the whip to stay the hell out of it, and that it was a inter-family dispute. Not that there was a dispute, but I got my point across and he shut up immediately. I enjoyed the moment to flex my henchman status while being impressed with his quick nod of respect to his elder. It was nice of the young man to help me out with my ego, like that. Kristi then came over to my table and made me shut up. I failed to realize that even though she's not my daughter, she has me wrapped tightly around her little finger. I'm not sure how I got owned by a 17 year-old girl.
My Niece is a Diva and knows how cool she is!

After dinner we took the kids around to waste time until the dance started and we were able to drop them off and conclude our night. I have been told they had a god time, for which I am glad. It was nice to be there for one of those special events in Kristi's life, before she gets all grown up and lights out on her own entirely. And for her, I was even able to bear the wind and rain soaking me as I stood outside to make sure they all were able to get in and out of the limo as quickly as possible without any undue hassle. Diva or not, I still love her!


Clearly the girl knows how to have fun and enjoy herself!

And I sure hope she knows, as of this moment, she is the only girl (save my wife) that I would take the time and trouble to not only dress up for, but put up with a bunch of teenagers, and stand in the rain on demand, and anything else that might have been required to make sure her day and night went as perfectly as possible. She is after all the most favored of all my 17 year-old nieces, and can give me that special little look of hers that she knows full well can keep herself in only the best of my graces.

Random Observations of Localized Events

First off, Ninja Kitties. Might be an even bigger threat to us than headless chickens. Not sure, but President Obama has personally assured me that he will have a team of researchers look into this. Now I know what you're thinking. President Obama and I don't exactly mesh politically, so why would he have personal conversations with me? Well, there is one really good explanation for that. I am a really really important person. My self-importance was so overflowing that it seeped out into the real world. President Obama realizes this, and has determined, through the use of well placed mobile teleprompters that my input is actually valuable on a global level to the point of conducting useless threat assessments of unverifiable and illusory entities. Anyways, back to ninja kitties...

While on the job, I pulled around to the back of the parking lot at St Luke's, to scan my babysitter strip, which can verify that I actually went to this place instead of just saying I did. I pull up about 5 to 6 feet away from the light pole that the strip is on. As I open the door, a flat-faced, fat but mean looking kitty backs away from the pole itself by about 5 to 6 feet. It stares at me, just licking its chops repeatedly. I approach the pole to scan the strip and I look down and see a lifeless squirrel laying in a depression behind the pole. Neither the evil ninja kitty or the squirrel were there on my previous stop almost 2 hours prior. The ninja kitty gave me my room, but showed no signs of fear. He just stared me down, still licking away at his chops in some sort of OCD-like manner.

Now, being in full Rent-a-Cop battle rattle, I had no fear of this kitty, ninja or not. I turned away and walked the 5 or 6 feet back to my car. I closed the door, and I looked back towards the cat. But Ninja Kitty was GONE!! I walk back to the pole and the squirrel...ALSO GONE. This was by no means a small squirrel, He had been plenty healthy in the girth department, and quite long. I wouldn't call the squirrel fat, but he was definitely husky, maybe big boned. Removing him from sight with no sound or sign of removal is quite a task. Either Ninja Kitty is one helluva ninja, OR....there was an entire squad of ninja kitties waiting in the tree branches above and in the treeline at the edge of the lot. All I know, is I saw a squirrel, and then I didn't see a squirrel. Spooky stuff, those ninja kitties!

THE TALK READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED HERE for mature material and sexual undertones

So my wife has been busy all year bullying me. She wants me to give "the talk" to my 10 year old son. There are a few problems with this. A- My mom of all people attempted to give me the talk. I ignored it in favor of the current sitcom on TV at the moment. Gave her a few "yeah yeah"s and "I know"s. B- I don't have clue one how to give 'the talk', and C- its my son:

God love the boy, but he is definitely still in the "girls have cooties" stage, and he pretty much doesn't notice girls unless they are playing in the game of tag with him. And he definitely doesn't notice girls as anything other than "not boys". but either way, they are going to have the "health class" sometime this school year where they tell boys about the changes and stuff. The girls get their own. I personally back in my day, would have preferred to pay the admission to that show. It has to be clearly more interesting than speaking about my stuff in medical terms. Besides, I had already seen my own stuff. Not much interest in staring at it.

So, my wife takes the youngest to the grocery store and suggests that TODAY WILL BE THE DAY YOU TALK TO THE BOY!...I had very adeptly pushed this talk off since she learned the class was coming and didn't want the school to be the one to introduce him to the subject.

So the talk was pretty bland. "Look, you are gonna get hair in your armpits at some point," I tell him. I am informed he knows that already. Fantastic, one idea down. Tackle the easy stuff first, then move on to the more delicate stuff. "And your stuff," I continue, "You're gonna get hair down there too" His response is "EEEWWWWW". I comforted him in the knowledge that none of us are pleased with that development, but that in fairness, women get hair down there too. Again with the "EWWWW" followed by a bit of cackling. As with most things, it seems the idea of bad stuff happening to other people is funny. Even if it sucks when its you as the victim, you'll still laugh at other people's expenses. Just the way our hideous minds work. I informed him, that as a blond it may not be so bad for him as it is for say, me, a darker haired individual Then I informed him that his stuff would also get a bit bigger. Again with the cackling. Clearly this is still beyond his maturity in comprehension. Hell its well beyond MY maturity in delivering the information. we weren't going into the sex talk yet...thank god...I may have had a stroke and died if I had to go there with a 10 year old. But, I still had to go way further than I wanted to. I had to explain that he will be going through hormone changes...he will begin to get funny feelings about girls where he actually starts to like them. I was greeted with a confused look, another "EWW" and a bit of nervous cackling to boot. Well, I think to myself...at least he isn't asking technical in depth questions that will task my abilities here. I would honestly rather be caught in the middle of a gunfight than deal with this. Hell I'd rather explain the technical details of what's going on with a newly lobotomized-by-gunfire brain laying in the street next to us in the middle of said firefight. I proceeded to explain the developing nature that kids his age only know as "the pre-morning pee" phenomenon, and how it would happen randomly from time to time, and not just for peeing. I explained that this is normal, and not to worry about it. He laughs some more.

If I were being graded on my ability to give this lecture, I assure you, not only would I get an "F", but I would be permanently banned from applying for any instructional position again. WOOF! was I glad to get that over with. Anyone want to volunteer to take the BIG talk with the kid for me?

So, on a related note, Buggy, our youngest clearly gets crushes on the pretty women. I'm pretty sure his teacher falls in that category. So, somehow or another, the nature of the conversation gets focused onto the oldest one, you know, "giggle at hair on YOUR private parts, but disgusted by it on his own" boy. Somehow his mom asks him if he likes any girls in his class, or any other class or whatever. He continues to look down and deny things. Oh, we grilled him for the better part of 15minutes as he attempted to deflect the conversation away from him with the ever clever "What question?" when asked to answer a question. It has been determined as I mentioned above, that he barely recognizes a girl as anything other than "not a boy". It turns out, none of he and his other guy friends even talk about the local chicks in the school yard. these kids these days....they are either smarter than we were, or not as mature in the ways of adult life at that age as we were in my generation.

Hell, I had a girlfriend when I was in the 2nd grade. She didn't know it, but yeah, she was my girlfriend. I walked her home from school once in awhile since she was going my way. I of course had to deny liking her when the older boys come around. Don't want to let her think she's got me locked down. I was 8 and a happening dude, gotta keep my options open, ya know. When her family moved away, I was heartbroken. Probably the most devastated guy I knew. Even made me cry in front of my mom. That only made things worse. Heartbroken and humiliated. As a man, crying in front of women, mom or not, was just unacceptable. I'm sure I had to change into superhero underwear to console my manhood after that moment. Either way I survived. And of course, all us guys were talking smack about who we liked, and what we'd do with those girls. Yeah, we really were studs. Strip down to our unds, turn on the 70s porn music and watch a kid who had no idea what to even do if he got there, try to put the sexy moves on some chick.

When I was 6 I had the biggest crush on this lady named Marlee. She was a friend of my aunt and mom. Ran into her at some party or get together or something at my aunt's house while we were out in California. I found Marlee, and then I was just talking my head off, finding ways to impress this older woman. She didn't know it, but she was my girlfriend at that point. She had replaced the babysitter who lived at the end of the block, I had left back in Iowa for a couple weeks. Yeah, I was quite the little Casanova. So good at my game, that I could occupy her time all afternoon and keep her from the rest of the adults...she was enamored with me, I know it, but in the end, I had to tell her t let me go. I had to go back to Iowa and elementary school and stuff. It was definitely better for her that we end it there, and let her find a man 'more deserving' than me. Yeah, I know, who is more deserving than me, but I know how to let a chick down gently. You have to, their gentle hearted creatures, and you never know what kind of psychological things might go on in their head if you mess them up too bad!

Then there was Junior high. I was informing my son, who didn't like any girls in his grade, (after asking him if he liked the 6th graders instead) informing him that its okay to go after the older chicks. Mentioned how I had a junior high English teacher, Ms. Forbes. She was beautiful, and I almost mentioned a highly touted and admired portion of her female anatomy, before I cut myself off realizing I was still talking to my 10 yr old son. My wife was just about ready to cold cock me to keep me from continuing on down the path of THAT story. But yeah, ALL the guys thought she was the hottest teacher we'd ever met. And of course, more stories about how we'd do things to her, and she'd be all flattered by us. Yeah, we were clearly trying to bat way out of our league. Not that it mattered. She was an old fashioned teacher. You know, one that doesn't go around sleeping with her students, like all these young ones do today that keep showing up in the news and on courtroom dockets across the country. Damn shame too. I would've wooed her with perfect grammar, and then well...you know, be a stud and all that stuff....just as soon as I found my superhero underwear.

But yeah, back to the conversation at the table with the boy. I tried all kinds of ways to trip him up in his own words. Now I have broken this boy before, and made him admit to his lying ways. He hates being grilled. I even told him about how we 'tortured' Noriega in Panama before him surrendering to U.S. forces, and how I could adapt that here until he gave up the girl's name that he likes. But he held strong. One of two things is going on here. He is either learning how to use the force properly and withstand my interrogations (not likely) or he really has a bona fide non-interest in the women folk at this point. And as far as I'm concerned, as his dad, I'm okay with that. Let the boy wait longer than I did, and I'll be happy.

Cooties and the Mass Female Gender Problems Associated Therein

By Dr James I (my alias), Senior Advisor of Life Sciences (made up title), James Medical Institute (Grand illusion of my mentalities medical research school)

Description: A short summary of the results concluded from my seminal (can't say I've ever been able to use this word in any of my writings before) work on Cooties research (my specialty).

Body:

Cooties is an inherent trait of the Human race, genetically passed on to each generation ensuring influence over certain biologies and psychologies of 100% of the human race.

I have identified that while all humans are carriers of this disease, full blown cooties infestations only affect a certain percentage of the human race. For those of you playing at home, take out a piece of scratch paper and take note. Draw out the male chromosomal representation as Xy. Now, take that same symbol, and on the lower right side, extend the short line of the 'y' to make an 'x'. You will notice this extra 'tail' is where the cooties gene lies. You will also notice that when you do this you make "XX" or the chromosomal representation of a female.

Clearly this is indicative that why all humans are carriers of the Cooties gene, that only females seemt o be infected, with some exceptions. In certain chromosomal anomalies such as XXY, there may be certain biological differences in anatomical structure. But this person would be truly infected with Cooties. Now some may argue that the XYY would merely be a carrier. But we here at the James Medical Institute disagree. In order for the body to maintain this chromosomal imbalance the second would have to be stacked on top of the other Y and flipped upside-down, thus making an alternate form of X, thereby showing definite signs of cooties infection.

Cooties, while thought to be a made up disease by young children, is in fact real. You can know this by simply looking up the word in the dictionary. And yes, you will see it is a body louse, according to definition. However, unlike most louse, who appear on the surface of the human body, this one is bloodborne and thrives on the internal body structure for its life.

This parasite, obviously affecting anatomical structure noted by the physical differences between males and females, is not the only havoc it wreaks upon humanity. As noted, certain psychologies are affected, and most differences associated with gender, from an early age on up through adulthood for the entirety of life can be in fact attributed to The Cooties Factor.

Scenarios and Causal Determinations:

- Hatred of getting dirty by girls: Cooties
- Avoiding P.E. Class in High School to avoid getting sweaty by girls: Cooties
- Inability to comprehend that male counterparts can indeed be thinking nothing: Cooties
- Emotional outbursts for no apparent reason: Cooties
- Necessity of mass amounts of pillows on a bed when not in use: Cooties
- PMS: Cootie
- Inability to comprehend basic logic and its use to solve everything: Cooties
- Anorexia and Bulimia: Cooties
- Need for expensive things, and Compulsive Shoppers' Disorder : Cooties
- Need for being held and emotional verbiage from the men in their lives: COOTIES!
- Getting pelted in the mouth by a snowball by a hysterically laughing young boy of the same age: Cooties

These are just a few mere examples of the many thousands we have uncovered in our decade of research that are linked directly to the infestation of full blown cooties. Scientifically speaking, men who later develop the ability to speak girly stuff like their emotions out in the open, or those who wish to be a woman, and SOME homosexual men have been identified in our research as having moved from simple carrier to having been fully infected by cooties.

Cures for Cooties:
None. However, Cooties vaccines are being developed as this is written. so far, they are only good for 6 months. We are hoping soon to break through to the once a year cooties shot, and eventually to a permanent vaccine which can be injected into the fetus in order to hopefully eradicating cooties altogether. Of course, careful measures will have to be taken to avoid eliminatng girls from the human race in the process. Sooner or later those girls turn into women. And all non-cooties-infected men love women.

Result of this study's official publishment: Possible death to the author from a certain someone he knows that is obviously riddled with cooties.

While Married, I Find This Advice To Single Guys Hilarious, AND TRUE!

Found this through a pastor friend of mine who sent me a small snippet of the talk. If for nothing else, watch it for it's entertainment value.


Beautiful_02- Single Guys Outtake from NewSpring Media on Vimeo.