Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Well, it turns out I was misinformed...(SLIGHT UPDATE)

MY sister is not giving birth to a baby girl after all. She is in fact slowly processing a salad of fruits and nuts, and going to spit that out at the doctor. He should appreciate that, beings its all part of a healthy diet and all.

My sister made mention yesterday that she has a mini-watermelon inside her uterus. Now despite being disgusted at the mention of her uterus, much less any uterus (Hey, I may be a guy who plays doctor on the internet, but I specialize in using non-specific technical jargon to convey vagueries about human biology thank you very much!), I was still intrigued by this comment. Then she sent me this link, which describes the size of the baby as it grows inside her. You can read and view it right HERE

It turns out that Sophia will not be human, but actually be comprised of a series of fruits, nuts and other food-like items. First you add in the poppy seed, about four weeks into the whole baking a baby in the oven process. Wait one week, then add in sesame seed, another week until you sprinkle in the lentil. 7 Weeks in we start getting some fruit action going on with the blueberries,a nd then a week later a kidney bean. A KIDNEY BEAN?? REALLY???? Are we making salad or chili here?? Who eats kidney beans in their fruit and nut salad?

This whole making babies stuff is getting really wierd with all this new scientific comparison studies evidence. I mean really, Just send in the friggin proof of purchase from your Vlassic Pickle Jar, and wait for the stork to come by and drop off your baby*.

Anyways, after that you throw in some grapes, a few kumquats, some fig,a squeeze of lime, some shrimp (Okay, now something is really really odd. You're not supposed to be drinking while awaiting this delivery. I'm beginning to suspect someone is mixing drinks at the minibar. I'm not saying my sister and her husband are a couple of lushes, but they do live down in Florida, retirees live down in Florida, and all good old fashioned retired people enjoy a nice toddy in the afternoon before dinner. Ergo, by my calculations, they should be in the middle of a game of bridge here at the senior center in a few hours, toddy in hand, and wearing their pants up to the chest. All this, just to make a fruit salad baby.


Weeks 14-16 bring us a mixture of lemons, apples and avocados. This is one really messed up fruit salad now. Maybe their toddy's are being alternated with tequila shooters, and they got some kind of weird guacamole stuff going on with a nice big bowl of chips...compliments of the house staff, of course. Senor Juan will be back to take your order shortly.

After your preliminary chips and dip during Happy Hour, We hit weeks 17-19, where we throw turnips, bell peppers, and large heirloom tomatoes into the mix. I'm suspecting someone is spiking the bloody mary's a bit differently down there in Florida. But then again, My brotehr-in-law, Vic, is Cuban, so hey, maybe its a heritage thing, I dunno. Maybe Cubano babies take longer because the stork prefers to do the 90 mile cruise in a raft thing over flying. Meh...

Then you throw in bananas, carrots and Spaghetti Squash. Maybe someone overdid it on the afternoon drinking. Sounds like some V8 is coming to fruition, straighten these old codgers out some. They seem to be leaning over to their left a bit. Add in some Mango for zest, an ear of corn, and a rutabaga, followed by a dash of cauliflower and a whole cucumber. Yep, its some V8 coming their way for sure. Vic and Becky really need to lay off the sauce before this unGodly (but very healthy**) concoction is necessary to keep them stable enough to receive the baby when it comes.

At this point, I'm really hoping that they chose a surrogate baby preparer. At the rate they are going, I'm afraid they might lose a digit, or shave off part of their face while stumbling into the automatic food processor here.

For the next stage of baby development, you need to add in a chinese cabbage, a butternut squash,a dn then a regular cabbage. Talk about regular, you take just these three in any copious amount, you'll be more regular than you care to be on an average day. That's some serious fiber. I'd recommend just doubling up on the Ensure. Much more hassle-free, and it has to be easier on your system, really.

Starting at week 31, you throw in 4 navel oranges, a jicama, and a whole pineapple. You know, all this fruit is gonna make you regular for sure. You may want to try cutting back a bit, eat some red meat for crying out loud. I can already see that by the time the baby comes, this kitchen is going to be one big mess. Why? you ask. Well, I'll tell you why. Vic works hard all day long, making sure that Becky and baby Fruit Salad have a nice place to stay and food to put on the table (you know, to soak up all that drinking we got going on in here). Becky on the otherhand, is an admitted lazy slob sometimes. Yeah, big surprise, right? Yeah, I've come to realize that this pregnancy thing isn't about a baby, its about having a valid "medical" excuse not to do any housework. And when Baby Fruit Salad grows up, Becky will have her own little housework slave, so she can avoid further housework responsibilities while perusing the internet for useless drivel to read and look at....you know, like my blog here.

By now you're going to start seeing the growing baby fruit salad as something recognizeable. Starting with week 34 and going to week 36, you're going to dice up and throow in some cantaloupe, honeydew melon, and a crenshaw melon. Seeing this might take you back down memory lane to when your parents dragged you to family reunions to see a bunch of really old people that claim to be related to you, pinch your cheek and tell you how they remember you when you were just "thiiis" tall, and how big and tall you are now! And somehow, after having been dragged away from perfectly good toys and cartoons at home, this is supposed to cause you to feel attachment to them and reciprocate the love. And how do you do this? You ask old Aunt Beulah where the cookies are! And then KAZAM! you have effectively disappeared to your secret hiding place under the table eating someone's well prepared chocolate chip brownies. But I digress...

As you near completion, you add just a last few finishing touches. It's already coming into picture, unlike that concoction you saw Martha Stewart make on TV that you tried to imitate but failed miserably at, and to comfort yourself, ordered the Snuggie and some "indestructible" flimsy steak knives from an infomercial. Now all we need to do to complete this thing is first, some Swiss Chard stalks, to help with the wrinkly aspect, just in case those grapes didn't turn into raisins in the hot sun. And finally add in some Leeks. Gives it that precious one of a kind, nasty new baby appeal. Kind of sourpusses their faces a bit, since you went and took them out of a nice warm climate controlled oven, and made them come out into your cold cruel world. And while you enjoy your frut salad and eat snacky stuff, they get to look forward to natural or artificial formula for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. Yeah, that's real nice. Inconvenience Baby Fruit Salad, and then rub it in her face. Fine parents you'll make. Now, go grab another toddy, and Senor Juan will have your order up in about a week, Becky! Ask your doctor to serve up the dish with the "salad spoons". If Fruit Salad gets half of the combined brain power of you two, the salad spoons will be required to get that brain out!

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*Please wait 8-9 months for delivery. Void in Rhode Island---RI voids everything. I think most of their people are born in Connecticut or somewhere else nearby. You want to win the lottery or contests of ANY kind, don't get caught dead living in RI, they'll disqualify you automatically.

**So say these supposed REAL doctors, but what do they know? They're just part of an evil system of greed looking to capitalize on every dime they can squeeze out of you. I say abuse the hell out of yourself and your body, it only makes you stronger. And you can trust me, I'm a fake doctor for chrissakes!

5 comments:

Danielle said...

ok....so seriously, you...are a dork. it's completely and 100% official now. i think i know somebody who needs to lay off the sauce and it isn't Becky or Vic, honey.

Becky said...

Wow...I first read this several hours ago, and I just don't know what to say :b

Vic says it was funny....even the racist raft remark!

Becky said...

and after your update at the end....*wince*

Mookie said...

Oh and by the way, my raft comment was not racist, it was... ethinicist, country-ist, IDK??? Cubans aren't a different race than any other hispanic, they just happen to have resided in Cuba, or come from family that did.
And besides, how do you know that its a derogatory remark, and not just a note on generalized travel habits, or economically preferred method of travel?

americanelephant said...

It WAS funny!