God Versus Nature

So just a bit of disgusting guy humor to chew on for a few minutes. Now I know you all usually come here for up to date serious discussions that I introduce which will inevitably change the world, but I figured I'd lighten things up from my usual all-business-all-the-time posts...

So I had some greasy foods and some fiber loaded foods over the course of a few days. Eventually they came back to haunt me while I was working. Before you ask, no I did NOT soil myself while driving the patrol car. I did however go to a familiar facility that I am comfortable using. It also happened to be a church, an episcopalian one at that, that I lock up and do security checks at. I had a copy of the Sunday paper and took it in with me. 20 minutes and 10 pounds later, I ran out of that bathroom. You know its pretty bad when your own stuff frightens your sense of smell to the very core.



Surely I thought I will burn in hell for having destroyed the facilities. So naturally I asked a female friend. She assured me that "Jesus always forgives." That's nice, but also one opinion from someone who doesn't exactly regularly attend church, and keep up to date on the Sin/Not a Sin list.



So I asked a male coworker. He assured me that "Blowing up a Sh***** in the House of God is one of those unforgivable sins like suicide and that surely you will burn."

So, in order to break the tie I went to my lovely sister for her opinion. I told her the basic story and the answers I received from my two friends. She then informed me most assuredly that "God is an angry God. The New Testament and Jesus love stuff was just to co opt the tenderhearted people into worshipping God. And that you will definitely burn in hell." Again this opinion is from a non churchgoing person....but awfully harsh coming from a new age hippie liberal type. That and she is my sister... she probably relishes the day to find out whether I burn in hell or not, hoping for the former. Lot of love between her and I.


I asked her that if I destroyed an Episcopalian bathroom with all their tender loving God ways being a falsity in the name of the true angry God, that I might get leniency for helping to take down his false church. She said I'd be lucky if that were the case... she's probably still hoping for the hellfire and brimstone option for me.

Then I began to wonder... Angry god or not, he made me and he made the stuff to make the food I ate, and he should've foreseen the problem of the nature of my body reacting to this stuff and known that sooner or later, a church would be bombed out by my #2 stinky business. So ultimately this is God's fault (this is purely satire...don't go getting in a huff over this statement, you religious fanatics!) for making me this way...after all He created me in His image....So maybe I'm just trying to achieve His goal of becoming more like him. Maybe this production of Smoke On The (Holy Toilet) Water, is more of an homage of His greatness? Has God destroyed a few spiritual toilets in an effort to exalt Himself in front of the angels as an All-Powerful God among Gods?

Discuss amongst yourselves, and proffer your opinions.... Was it a Holy Sh*t, or a fast track to Hell?

More on Denny's, Buggy, The Colonel, and Adoption

Just to clarify the title a bit, none of those are actually related. Buggy stays here; the Colonel wont leave unless it is to go outside, but he would expect to be let back in; And so far Denny's hasn't adopted me...YET!

So first, lets go with Denny's. As some of you know, I have an unhealthy liking of Denny's Restaurants. I'd call it stalking, but since the buildings don't exactly move, and they WANT me to come in and eat their food, it doesn't technically qualify. But, if the Denny's went on wheels like the Ice Cream man, yes I would be one of the crazies running down the street begging for the guy to throw me a few pancakes to catch like some sort of dog chasing a car. And maybe an omelet, and some hash browns with the works. Sure it'd be messy, but my inner child will manifest himself and eat the stuff off of the pavement just like a kid who drops his candy in the dirt. It's just like sprinkles, that's all!

Anyways, so I started a Facebook group page dedicated to making me the next new face of Denny's. I haven't worked out all the details yet, but it basically involves them making me their real world advertiser. Some pics, some videos, some blogs about the Denny's I'm at, the city its in, employees, people in that city (in and outside of the Denny's), things like that. The first step is this page, to attempt to use facebook's networking capabilities to garner support from my friends, their friends, and whoever else may stumble upon it. It seemed to have worked well for Betty White to get asked to host Saturday Night Live. But she's a celebrity. Let's see how well this thing can work for a normal (I use that term loosely when referring to me) person.
Then we go to Denny's Corporate with a nice juicy plan for them and me. So if you have a facebook account, you can friend me, or just join the group or both. If you don't have a facebook account, you should make one for the pure purposes of helping out this effort. With no monetary support, and my having limited interactions with much of anybody, this is as grassroots as it gets. Plus, I'd get to travel to all the wondrous Denny's locations...and then maybe take in some of the local attractions, which of course are secondary to my favorite eating establishment.

Now, onto Buggy. He is just about to finish his year in Kindergarten in a few hours. As some of you readers know, this boy has managed to endear himself to the staff while sneaking extra breakfasts at school. In fact one of the staff mentioned that he specifically is one of the staff favorites when it comes to the kids. He recently came home with an award from his teacher. I assume its one of those things where every kid gets some kind of positive acknowledgement. His, unsurprisingly, was "Best Sense of Humor". He had surprised his teacher early in the school year by exuding an extremely dry sense of humor on top of the normal cackling little kid humor most people are used to from kids. So, as I said, neither his mother nor I were very surprised at this. I do believe that nothing will really surprise us with this particular son of ours. Even if he comes home one day and accidentally lets it slip out of his mouth the goings-on in other parts of the metro area, after having jumped on a city bus, or took off with a friends parents under the assumption that we knew about it and were okay with them taking him along, or just plain having walked. Or if he comes home with a ripped shirt and tells us how he had just scored the winning touchdown while scrimmaging with the local high school football team even though he is nowhere near old enough, and now was thirsty, not giving second thought to the fact that we might want to know what he's doing BEFORE he goes and does it...none of this would be surprising.

The older one, Josh, pushes his limits somewhat, but is generally more passive and willing to ask permission before going off to do much of anything. Corwyn on the other hand would be the one to tell everyone things are fine, and he doesn't need to ask permission to do stuff "he already knows he can do." I already know that when he is a teenager that he and I will be having the same stupid discussions my dad had with me when I came home at 3 or 4 in the morning. And he will irritate me because I have to have these discussion, but also because it will be just another set of opportunities for me to sound JUST LIKE the Evil Duane did, which I had promised to never be like when I grew up. Whenever I talk to Mom and Dad, he always laughs at me when I tell stories of what the kids have done 'this time.' I have another feeling that whenever the boys go up to see their Nana and grandpa that stories are told and ideas planted, just to expedite the process. I just can't prove it yet!

The Colonel is as feisty as ever. He'll nap in long stretches and leave you alone, until its time for you to be left alone by necessity. Then he shows up, wound up like a kid who just downed 12 giant Pixie sticks, followed by an entire 2 liter bottle of Coke. He makes weird growling noises as he runs back and forth through the apartment, sometimes only stopping his current path because his head ran into a wall, the door, a cabinet, or some furniture, before reversing paths back the way he came. He's a bit on the weird side. We are however in the midst of changing over his diet a little bit. It has been told to me by my friend Machelle, that the current cat food brand (which shall remain nameless) we have been giving the Colonel since we got him, was mentioned by her vet to cause crystals in the urine/bladder, and can seriously screw the cats system up over time. Whether or not its factual information or the vet is a shill for some other cat food manufacturer is beyond me. But one ingredient in the current brand is Zinc Oxide. Now maybe I'm wrong, but isn't that what people throw on their noses at the beach to avoid a sunburn, while causing them to look like an albino-nosed idiot at the same time? I treasure my cat's health, but I never thought to worry about his innards getting sun burnt, what with all that fur and abundance of fatty tissue and bone surrounding his digestive system. I have no idea why someone would stick zinc oxide into food. I am pretty sure that if I wiped the zinc oxide off your nose someday this summer and proceeded to eat it, I would not be doing too well later on that day, never mind the nasty taste left in my mouth. Turns out the stuff is nearly insoluble in water. No wonder they say an adequate supply of water is needed to maintain your pet's health. I have to wonder what amount is considered 'adequate.' Either way, we've made the switch over to Purina cat food, and are doing a mixture of both, until we work the Colonel into the new stuff entirely. Don't need to upset his bowels any, he already poops more than enough for a whole herd of cats. I'm hoping that the new diet will curb some of the pooping, the eating of paper and cardboard boxes, the strength of smell his pee comes armed with (it gets bad some days). And he can tone it down to normal cat like activities of snubbing me, and eating the children, things like that. I'm not thinking he'll calm down much on any of it, but I can always cross my fingers and hope.

Now onto probably the most important topic, Adoption. Some of my readers already know of the situation, but for the rest of you, I'll bring forth some enlightenment.
For awhile now, my good friends Jed and Naomi, have been looking to adopt children and have their own family. They have been working hard at saving money up and holding fundraisers, to get the over-$30,000 they need for this to happen at all. They have gone through the excitement of having a placement of 2 young girls, only to have their joy arrested when the girls were found to have been placed in the foster program fraudulently by their mother. The supposed dead father had showed back up. It was heartbreaking for all involved who have been supporting them, but I guess God had decided that those were not the children meant to be a part of Jed and Naomi's family. Well, after a long wait, far too long, they have 2 qualified little girls, ages 4 and 7, who have been vetted it appears, and ready for adoption. The court date is tentatively going to be this fall to make the adoption go through. While its months away yet, it also gives Jed and Naomi time to work toward the last few thousand dollars they need. It turns out Ethiopia has new rules on adoption to overseas. Instead of just one trip over, both Jed and Naomi will need to go over twice. Once for the adoption court date, and again to bring home the children to the United States. You can find some of their plans
here on their adoption blog. Please think it over, pray on it, whatever it is you do, and if you can give, even just a little bit, feel free to donate to their cause so that they might make their dreams of having a family come true! And, if you could, as a favor to me, or them, pass this section on to your friends, and see if they would be willing to help out as well! Thank you!

Spring Report From the Colonel

From The Desk Of:

Col. Beauregard Sterling Lovell, Mookified Army, Feline Brigade, Commanding


Once again Spring has arrived, and it is time for my quarterly report. So lets get to it, I haven't much time for you people unless you plan on feeding me or letting me outside.

Health Report on the Colonel: Eating the same old dry cat food crap. No tasty live vittles for this guy. Recently underwent annual health inspection from just another lowly veterinarian. As a member of the Mookified Fighting Forces, this is taxpayer subsidized health care at its finest. You know, General Mook is always bragging about his state of the art James Medical Institution he co-founded. Sure they can make a simple one-time vaccine for cootie to help people out, but I still have to get a freaking distemper shot every year. State of the art my furry butt. The doctors say that while my Kitty-crack (that's catnip to you wise acres) addiction is under control, that I'm going to have to cut down on my cigar smoking. I'm not so sure how I feel about this. I may have to quit sneaking out and hanging with the Godfather when the General isn't paying attention. Besides that, the Godfather keeps brand name cereal around. Much better than this store brand crap the General's wife keeps buying. I think its sub par processed cereal material that has led me to a serious bout of cabin fever, and causing me to climb up every file cabinet, bookcase, or armoire available.

Economy: The economy, I am proud to say is in good condition. The fecal output is good, reeeaaall good. Air pollution reducers are being enacted for a better quality environment. And as a part of that economic benefit comes from using the recyclables I grab out of their container to help further bury the fecal material. Win-win proposition for me. Keep up my industriousness, while satisfying the "greenies" need to reduce flooding the atmosphere with my stuff.

Education: Happy to report all is well here, and I am learning absolutely nothing. I mean hey, whats the point of furthering one's education when you have people around to do a cat's (much less a fat cat Colonel) bidding?

Security: Here is one area that I, as the Colonel in this outfit, have found lacking. Since the receding glaciers have given way to more moderate temperatures, those dastardly birds have returned yet again. They are nesting above the Deck outpost. They are using sappers to take up posts on the deck itself. I fear it will only be days before the squirrels join them in harassing us further. The General has put an end to recon patrols outside the command post. Something about invading the area above our compound, or another stupid excuse for the man to keep me down.

I thought at first we were finally going to be proactive in our security measures. It appears that the one they call Buggy made a bird-feeding treat, and the General's wife hung it up out on the deck. Surely we were planning to lure the enemy in with a baited trap where I would be able to use my finely honed skills to eliminate them one by one. But I was ushered back inside. I plan on filing a formal complaint with the General later. I'm sure he'll find the time to lose it with all the bureaucratic paperwork he makes up to waste his time.

Clearly this is something that must be taken care of. Had the General's wife not put the kibosh on me getting my own executive officer, we would have this outfit in fine shape. However, given that I was denied my request, stewardship of the compound under General Mook has become rather lackluster.

In summary, we are at about 75-80% okay so far. However, should this security matter not be taken care of, all else may be in danger of collapsing. Please, send help, or the ASPCA or whoever is in charge of making sure I have a good home.

My Sons Have Found That School Is The Easiest Way To Bleed My Wallet

I was pondering over the words of someone else, obviously a parent, that went something like this:

I wonder how it is a 6 year old can still be "starving" AFTER having eaten us out of house and home

It's an interesting thought, that I think we parents all realize, but because of its natural and constant occurrence from one generation through the rest of the generations, we never bother to really pay it any attention. More on the specifics of this later.

Within a month or two of school starting, and the boys both having equal amounts of money in their lunch accounts, I get a notice in their Monday folders that they are low. The oldest one, Josh, was not just low but negative in his account. It took me a while to think this over, and after having had a discussion with him, I found out he was taking some of the little extra "ala carte" items that cost him, or rather his parents (That'd be me and my wife), extra money, and thereby reducing the amount of lunches that can be bought before I have to go about writing another check to the local school nutrition department. So we got that straightened out...well mostly. I found out through the lady in the school office today that he still occasionally does this, but not everyday like he used to.

So I get home from work this morning and my wife tells me I have errands to run. Deposit a check from my parents into our account, and then write a bigger check for the same amount, plus our share to the school for the Spelling Contest Fundraiser. And also pick up some quarters for laundry, and also to write out checks for the boys' school lunch. On the Spelling Contest, I find myself torn.

First off, I am glad we have decent schools for the boys to go to in this district. However, on the flip side of this, I think the local PTC actually raises more money than this school gets funded by the government. Makes me wonder why I should even be paying for lunches regardless of financial ability, or school book fees, or any of that. It seems with all the fundraisers, the entire district's liability should just about break even before the FEDS and State Department of Education begin financial dispersal amongst all the schools. Well, this time around it is the Spelling Contest, and after a little work with his mother Josh goes and manages to get 50 out of 50 words spelled correctly. He got pledge money from both sets of grandparents on this, us, and one of my wife's cousins, and her husband. I have a lot of bills that could use that money, even though my share was only $25, which I have no idea how I let my wife talk me into this. My wallet is saying, "MAKE HIM MISS ALL THE WORDS!!!" My wallet is one cold-hearted individual, but then again he was made from a cow, so I'm sure emotions don't factor into his world. I try not to let them factor into mine, but my wife makes sure that I am overruled on this. Something or another about being compassionate and caring about my sons and their accomplishments, blah blah blah. In My Day...(oh dear sweet baby Jesus, I'm turning into all my older male relatives) our reward was spelling all 50 of those words right and knowing we'd done a good job and learned something. These days, its learning, some praise from mommy, and more money of daddy's going to the local PTC. I'm glad the boy is smart, and it shows when he pays attention and focuses like he did for this spelling contest. Confirms my superior genes of intellect can trump the wildly unfocused free-spirited genes his mother gave him. (Of course if you ask her, she'll blame that on me too. I of course will have already forgotten what the question was before you finish asking)

Now on to the lunch money. We got a bit behind over the month, partially because of some bills that came up unexpectedly, and partially because all these snow days they have had has thrown me off altogether. At almost $3 a lunch, EACH, it doesn't take long for them to eat through the money. And when they come home they are starving little boys, begging for more food like a couple of incarnations of Oliver Twist, only not as polite and timid about it. So I had to make sure to write the check big enough to cover the deficit I allowed to get racked up, as well as the remainder of the month plus a few days. Now, if you remember from before, Josh had his issues of taking extras...so he was always a few dollars lower in balance than Corwyn, because I had not re-equalized it as of yet. So I ask the lady to give me the deficit, and she writes down the figures for each boy. Josh was a little over $30 in the hole, but Corwyn was over $50 in the hole, for a total of $91 when all was said and done..just to bring them back up to $0 balances. So I wrote a check for $191 this morning. I was curious as to how the imbalance between Josh and Bug had occurred, so I asked. Corwyn can NOT keep a secret for anything. If anything comes into his head, it will come out of his mouth. However, we had heard absolutely nothing concerning him taking extras at lunchtime, and when asked about it, he denied it. Well, technically he wasn't lying. I was able to see the secretary's desktop screen as she brought up his records of lunchtime swipes and balances. And every other line had the word "BREAKFAST" (which is not included in extras with lunch, clearing him of committing any infractions of lying to us).

I found out that Bug is one of the staff's favorite little kids. He always comes right on into the cafeteria, all happy and smiling, and talks to everybody. And he has breakfast...a big one apparently, and eats everything. This all right after a short ride to school on the bus, which happens right after he eats breakfast AT HOME...a LOT of it. Then some classes and LUNCH. Then some classes and home to ask me for MORE FOOD! 3 full meals in less than 9 hours, and he is still coming home "starving".

Now I remember complaining for years about how the school never fed me enough at lunch...and then we finally got salad bar for all kinds of extras at no additional cost to us, with unlimited trips. I am pretty sure this school that my boys goes to offers the same amenity. Why they should be starving so much is beyond me. I mean if it was tater-tot casserole, or Chef's Surprise Leftover Day, I could see them maybe skipping the biggest portion of lunch and coming home hungry. But these boys get all kinds of good stuff to eat at school, and in a much bigger variety than we ever had. And the reports from staff say they both pretty much devour everything, barely managing to return the tray in the process.

Since having found out my youngest is a little scheister, and sneaking in extra meals, The staff is now well aware that there is to be strictly lunch with no extra items, and no breakfast for either of them. I can only afford to feed them all they can eat, or feed them some of that amount and keep a roof over their head. Both cannot be accomplished with the same amount of money that revolves in and out of my wallet. I was asked if we had applied for free or reduced lunch programs. I told them, and they verified the guidelines that say we need two more kids to qualify at our income level. I said I can make two more kids, but I won't be able to pay for them any better, even with free lunches and breakfasts provided.

I have learned a few things today as I wrote out checks for kid related activities:

Josh will punish me with his intellect. If he is slow on the uptake, it will cost me money for a tutor. If he is excelling, it will cost me money for the PTC. This boy better get a full academic scholarship to any college he chooses to go to!

Corwyn, is a sanguine little hustler. He charms the daylights out of people, especially all the women (who obviously don't realize he's playing them for his own gain), and gets stuff he isn't supposed to be getting, and no one knows the difference until its too late. Luckily Corwyn knows how to administer "face to face" (read here for more on that) so he can resuscitate my wallet in case he kills it. Most likely from extra meals at school. They think he's cute and adorable...all happiness and smiles. But I got to know that boy real well for the first 5 1/2 years of his life... He is something else. I'd blame his mother, but I'm sure there is overwhelming evidence stacked against me.

Thanksgiving Message From The Colonel

From the Desk Of Colonel Beauregard Sterling Lovell:


So today we all gather together and give thanks for all that is good in our lives. Well, most of us. The majority of those living in the Mookified Compound have set out, meanwhile I'm stuck here guarding the compound with the General. That stupid idiot put out self pity messages complaining about only getting to eat a turkey pot pie for the holiday. Meanwhile, I get dry cat food...just like every other damn day of the year. The General may well find himself the victim of my combatives training later on today after he heats that pot pie up, then I can enjoy some delicious turkey meat. I'll let him try the cat food and tehn he can realize just how thankful he can be.

Personally, I'd be more thankful if I was President Obama. He pardoned that turkey, Courage, so that he can live out his days in Disney World. If I were El Presidente, that turkey would be dead, and I'd be burping feathers right about now. Who has time for cooking the bird when you can take him down right away and enjoy a nice meal without the wait?

But overall I'm thankful for my home. Its nice and warm here. And unlike my previous assignment guarding a garage with all my brothers and sisters where its cold, I can lounge about all I want. And, after making the general escort me to my mess hall, I can eat. With a belly full of food, I can return to napping, or shred everything in this apartment. It's great, because the General gets all mad, and yet, can't do a damn thing about it. I'm grateful that his rank doesn't come with any real power over me. Hell, that punk used to be a major. Once I made Colonel, he promoted himself to General just to not be outranked by me. How sad is that. Yeah, way to go Mr Top of the Food Chain!

So today, as you all give thanks for your food and football games, and begrudging your family your time, I shall be staking out the deck, looking for some fresh flying food, and maybe a nice squirrel or two. Little bastards run rampant around here, but I'm gonna get them one of these days.

So, you be sure and thank me for serving my duties here and suffering through dry cat food, while you're all safe and secure this holiday. As a cat and a colonel both, I DESERVE your damn appreciation for all I do for you. My mere existence should please you to no end. But if any one of you sonsabitches tries to pet me...I'll kill you.

Enjoy your day.

Sincerely,
Colonel B.S. Lovell
Mookified Feline Division, Commanding

Well, it turns out I was misinformed...(SLIGHT UPDATE)

MY sister is not giving birth to a baby girl after all. She is in fact slowly processing a salad of fruits and nuts, and going to spit that out at the doctor. He should appreciate that, beings its all part of a healthy diet and all.

My sister made mention yesterday that she has a mini-watermelon inside her uterus. Now despite being disgusted at the mention of her uterus, much less any uterus (Hey, I may be a guy who plays doctor on the internet, but I specialize in using non-specific technical jargon to convey vagueries about human biology thank you very much!), I was still intrigued by this comment. Then she sent me this link, which describes the size of the baby as it grows inside her. You can read and view it right HERE

It turns out that Sophia will not be human, but actually be comprised of a series of fruits, nuts and other food-like items. First you add in the poppy seed, about four weeks into the whole baking a baby in the oven process. Wait one week, then add in sesame seed, another week until you sprinkle in the lentil. 7 Weeks in we start getting some fruit action going on with the blueberries,a nd then a week later a kidney bean. A KIDNEY BEAN?? REALLY???? Are we making salad or chili here?? Who eats kidney beans in their fruit and nut salad?

This whole making babies stuff is getting really wierd with all this new scientific comparison studies evidence. I mean really, Just send in the friggin proof of purchase from your Vlassic Pickle Jar, and wait for the stork to come by and drop off your baby*.

Anyways, after that you throw in some grapes, a few kumquats, some fig,a squeeze of lime, some shrimp (Okay, now something is really really odd. You're not supposed to be drinking while awaiting this delivery. I'm beginning to suspect someone is mixing drinks at the minibar. I'm not saying my sister and her husband are a couple of lushes, but they do live down in Florida, retirees live down in Florida, and all good old fashioned retired people enjoy a nice toddy in the afternoon before dinner. Ergo, by my calculations, they should be in the middle of a game of bridge here at the senior center in a few hours, toddy in hand, and wearing their pants up to the chest. All this, just to make a fruit salad baby.


Weeks 14-16 bring us a mixture of lemons, apples and avocados. This is one really messed up fruit salad now. Maybe their toddy's are being alternated with tequila shooters, and they got some kind of weird guacamole stuff going on with a nice big bowl of chips...compliments of the house staff, of course. Senor Juan will be back to take your order shortly.

After your preliminary chips and dip during Happy Hour, We hit weeks 17-19, where we throw turnips, bell peppers, and large heirloom tomatoes into the mix. I'm suspecting someone is spiking the bloody mary's a bit differently down there in Florida. But then again, My brotehr-in-law, Vic, is Cuban, so hey, maybe its a heritage thing, I dunno. Maybe Cubano babies take longer because the stork prefers to do the 90 mile cruise in a raft thing over flying. Meh...

Then you throw in bananas, carrots and Spaghetti Squash. Maybe someone overdid it on the afternoon drinking. Sounds like some V8 is coming to fruition, straighten these old codgers out some. They seem to be leaning over to their left a bit. Add in some Mango for zest, an ear of corn, and a rutabaga, followed by a dash of cauliflower and a whole cucumber. Yep, its some V8 coming their way for sure. Vic and Becky really need to lay off the sauce before this unGodly (but very healthy**) concoction is necessary to keep them stable enough to receive the baby when it comes.

At this point, I'm really hoping that they chose a surrogate baby preparer. At the rate they are going, I'm afraid they might lose a digit, or shave off part of their face while stumbling into the automatic food processor here.

For the next stage of baby development, you need to add in a chinese cabbage, a butternut squash,a dn then a regular cabbage. Talk about regular, you take just these three in any copious amount, you'll be more regular than you care to be on an average day. That's some serious fiber. I'd recommend just doubling up on the Ensure. Much more hassle-free, and it has to be easier on your system, really.

Starting at week 31, you throw in 4 navel oranges, a jicama, and a whole pineapple. You know, all this fruit is gonna make you regular for sure. You may want to try cutting back a bit, eat some red meat for crying out loud. I can already see that by the time the baby comes, this kitchen is going to be one big mess. Why? you ask. Well, I'll tell you why. Vic works hard all day long, making sure that Becky and baby Fruit Salad have a nice place to stay and food to put on the table (you know, to soak up all that drinking we got going on in here). Becky on the otherhand, is an admitted lazy slob sometimes. Yeah, big surprise, right? Yeah, I've come to realize that this pregnancy thing isn't about a baby, its about having a valid "medical" excuse not to do any housework. And when Baby Fruit Salad grows up, Becky will have her own little housework slave, so she can avoid further housework responsibilities while perusing the internet for useless drivel to read and look at....you know, like my blog here.

By now you're going to start seeing the growing baby fruit salad as something recognizeable. Starting with week 34 and going to week 36, you're going to dice up and throow in some cantaloupe, honeydew melon, and a crenshaw melon. Seeing this might take you back down memory lane to when your parents dragged you to family reunions to see a bunch of really old people that claim to be related to you, pinch your cheek and tell you how they remember you when you were just "thiiis" tall, and how big and tall you are now! And somehow, after having been dragged away from perfectly good toys and cartoons at home, this is supposed to cause you to feel attachment to them and reciprocate the love. And how do you do this? You ask old Aunt Beulah where the cookies are! And then KAZAM! you have effectively disappeared to your secret hiding place under the table eating someone's well prepared chocolate chip brownies. But I digress...

As you near completion, you add just a last few finishing touches. It's already coming into picture, unlike that concoction you saw Martha Stewart make on TV that you tried to imitate but failed miserably at, and to comfort yourself, ordered the Snuggie and some "indestructible" flimsy steak knives from an infomercial. Now all we need to do to complete this thing is first, some Swiss Chard stalks, to help with the wrinkly aspect, just in case those grapes didn't turn into raisins in the hot sun. And finally add in some Leeks. Gives it that precious one of a kind, nasty new baby appeal. Kind of sourpusses their faces a bit, since you went and took them out of a nice warm climate controlled oven, and made them come out into your cold cruel world. And while you enjoy your frut salad and eat snacky stuff, they get to look forward to natural or artificial formula for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. Yeah, that's real nice. Inconvenience Baby Fruit Salad, and then rub it in her face. Fine parents you'll make. Now, go grab another toddy, and Senor Juan will have your order up in about a week, Becky! Ask your doctor to serve up the dish with the "salad spoons". If Fruit Salad gets half of the combined brain power of you two, the salad spoons will be required to get that brain out!

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*Please wait 8-9 months for delivery. Void in Rhode Island---RI voids everything. I think most of their people are born in Connecticut or somewhere else nearby. You want to win the lottery or contests of ANY kind, don't get caught dead living in RI, they'll disqualify you automatically.

**So say these supposed REAL doctors, but what do they know? They're just part of an evil system of greed looking to capitalize on every dime they can squeeze out of you. I say abuse the hell out of yourself and your body, it only makes you stronger. And you can trust me, I'm a fake doctor for chrissakes!

Big Brother Coming to a Neighborhood Bake Sale Near You

Thanks to Linda WHOOPS...I mean LYNDA (sorry) at What Is Going On? for reprinting this, and to Sandy at the Junkfood Science blog, for providing this to us:

It’s already being called Posole-gate.

“The more we look to the government to protect us, the more freedoms we lose,” said one resident. This became a reality today when government health officials went after an 84-year old tradition and told the nuns at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church in Albuquerque, New Mexico, that their church dinner of homemade posole, tamales and biscochitos was against the law. Every December 14th, after the Our Lady of Guadalupe procession, church ladies have served traditional posole and biscochitos for parishioners and the public. The Environment Health Department, however, determined the potluck was a threat to public safety and a violation of the city’s food ordinance.

“Our concern here is only about public safety,” John Soladay, Albuquerque’s environmental health director, told the Albuquerque Journal. Homemade food doesn’t comply with city law, which is intended to protect the public from contaminated food, he said. It’s no different from homemade cupcakes and cookies, nachos and popcorn no longer being allowed in schools because they might put children at risk of foodborne illnesses.

I wasn’t aware that there have been far too many people poisoned, made ill, by participating in Community Pot-Luck style meals.

Schools and churches and community centers of all kinds have been holding/hosting pot-luck dinners, bake sales, picnics for decades………..all of them open to the public. I’ve never seen any news reports of outbreaks of illness because of this. The only stories like it I’ve seen have been from cruise ships/restaurants/produce we buy in the stores!!!

According to the story in the Albuquerque Journal a city official states:

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

No Home Cookin’ at Festival

COPYRIGHT:Copyright 2008 Albuquerque Journal

By Olivier Uyttebrouck
Journal Staff Writer

A city official said Tuesday that because the event is open to the public, the church must abide by city laws for food handling and distribution.

“Our concern here is only about public safety,” said John Soladay, Albuquerque’s environmental health director.

City law “stipulates that food prepared for distribution to the public must be prepared in an approved kitchen,” he said. “Food prepared at home does not meet that criteria.”

The city ordinance is intended to protect the public from contaminated food, he said.

So, food prepared at home doesn’t meet the cities safety standards? Then why are people allowed to poison themselves? I mean if you don’t trust the people to cook for their friends and neighbors for a block party, then why trust them to cook for themselves?


All this “safety” nonsense is going way too far now if you ask me. This festival has been held for more that three-quarters of a century and NOW the city wants to pull this crap? Talk about government going too far. It’s enough to make me want to cook up a storm and offer the food on my front lawn to anyone who passes by!!

What’s next? Can’t feed your guests because you might have contaminated food? Well guess what? THERE IS NO GUARANTEE THAT THE CHEMICALLY LADEN FOOD IN THE STORES IS ANY SAFER!!!!

Pre-Florida Meeting

And so it was, I had the pleasure, upon landing in Florida, of meeting our fellow blogger, The Godfather, from theslowbleed.com

Being a Godfather, of course he met with my wife and I at the Italian version of Applebees, Tony Roma's. WE had a good conversation over a midafternoon meal, before my wife and I departed in our rental to go to St Augustine for my sister's wedding. The first thing I noticed about The Godfather, is that he didn't look like he does in his little comment picture on the blogs. In truth, for those who are curious, here is the "real" Godfather's picture:



As a responsible blogger who feels the need to expose the truth in less than newsworthy headlines, I felt it necessary to make sure you all knew exactly who the Godfather is, so you'll know him when you see him. You'll also need to take note about what he ordered. The Ribs!!!! And not only the ribs, but with a wink and a nod to the waitress. Being such a great investigative force, and having seen fictional and nonfictional mob accounts, I knew what his real meal was. Ribs!! Yes, and not just your normal restuarant prepared ribs, but judging by the size, I'd say he ate the ribs of his enemy's newborn child. He was clearly sending me a message. I was on his turf, and we didn't want me to mistake his friendliness for weakness. That if I crossed him, the next meal on his plate would be my kid's ribs. Interestingly enough, my wife also ordered the ribs. I can't help but think my wife ingested the ribs of the Godfather's nemesis, in some sort of way of making her an unknowing accomplice, thus buying our silence.

Of course, now having met this man, and exposing the truth behind him, I will be out on the lamb. For he will come for me, albeit too late, as he has been outed!