Monday, March 15, 2010

Spring Report From the Colonel

From The Desk Of:

Col. Beauregard Sterling Lovell, Mookified Army, Feline Brigade, Commanding


Once again Spring has arrived, and it is time for my quarterly report. So lets get to it, I haven't much time for you people unless you plan on feeding me or letting me outside.

Health Report on the Colonel: Eating the same old dry cat food crap. No tasty live vittles for this guy. Recently underwent annual health inspection from just another lowly veterinarian. As a member of the Mookified Fighting Forces, this is taxpayer subsidized health care at its finest. You know, General Mook is always bragging about his state of the art James Medical Institution he co-founded. Sure they can make a simple one-time vaccine for cootie to help people out, but I still have to get a freaking distemper shot every year. State of the art my furry butt. The doctors say that while my Kitty-crack (that's catnip to you wise acres) addiction is under control, that I'm going to have to cut down on my cigar smoking. I'm not so sure how I feel about this. I may have to quit sneaking out and hanging with the Godfather when the General isn't paying attention. Besides that, the Godfather keeps brand name cereal around. Much better than this store brand crap the General's wife keeps buying. I think its sub par processed cereal material that has led me to a serious bout of cabin fever, and causing me to climb up every file cabinet, bookcase, or armoire available.

Economy: The economy, I am proud to say is in good condition. The fecal output is good, reeeaaall good. Air pollution reducers are being enacted for a better quality environment. And as a part of that economic benefit comes from using the recyclables I grab out of their container to help further bury the fecal material. Win-win proposition for me. Keep up my industriousness, while satisfying the "greenies" need to reduce flooding the atmosphere with my stuff.

Education: Happy to report all is well here, and I am learning absolutely nothing. I mean hey, whats the point of furthering one's education when you have people around to do a cat's (much less a fat cat Colonel) bidding?

Security: Here is one area that I, as the Colonel in this outfit, have found lacking. Since the receding glaciers have given way to more moderate temperatures, those dastardly birds have returned yet again. They are nesting above the Deck outpost. They are using sappers to take up posts on the deck itself. I fear it will only be days before the squirrels join them in harassing us further. The General has put an end to recon patrols outside the command post. Something about invading the area above our compound, or another stupid excuse for the man to keep me down.

I thought at first we were finally going to be proactive in our security measures. It appears that the one they call Buggy made a bird-feeding treat, and the General's wife hung it up out on the deck. Surely we were planning to lure the enemy in with a baited trap where I would be able to use my finely honed skills to eliminate them one by one. But I was ushered back inside. I plan on filing a formal complaint with the General later. I'm sure he'll find the time to lose it with all the bureaucratic paperwork he makes up to waste his time.

Clearly this is something that must be taken care of. Had the General's wife not put the kibosh on me getting my own executive officer, we would have this outfit in fine shape. However, given that I was denied my request, stewardship of the compound under General Mook has become rather lackluster.

In summary, we are at about 75-80% okay so far. However, should this security matter not be taken care of, all else may be in danger of collapsing. Please, send help, or the ASPCA or whoever is in charge of making sure I have a good home.

7 comments:

Danielle said...

Excuse me, Colonel, but the decision to supply generic cereal was put in place by your superior officer. If you have a complaint to file in regards to supply requisitions, take it up with your cheapskate General.

Mookie said...

The General is clearly being lambasted with false allegations by the one who does most fo teh shopping around here.

MRS OR NOT...consider yourself ready for a military grade flogging when you come home.

americanelephant said...

Colonel,

I'm sensing some dissension in the ranks! Looks like your troops need to be disciplined!

americanelephant said...

And what a cute little colonel you are btw!

Mookie said...

The Official report will read: There is absolutley NO dissention within the ranks of the Mookified compound. while there may be differences in opinions, and non-politically correct language used within the confines of this sovereign body, dissention has yet to be seen, and is foreseen to not exist anytime in the near future. In a couple years with the advent of a teen population occuring, this may change. However, the broad sense of authority commanded by the Grand Mookatollah will deal with such distractions in a humane, yet strict way. It is furthermore, the contention of this board of review, noted that any outsiders seen as fomenting an environment of dissent or rebellion will be summarily denied access to the Mookified compound by brute force. We have towels and know how to snap them!

americanelephant said...

lol :)

Godfather said...

The Colonel has my full support.

Although I must keep some of our conversations private - I am no less surprised at the lack of name brand cereal.

Article 4323 of the third Geneva Convention (yes, there are four treaties and two protocols) clearly allow for said sugar, name brand, cereals.