Kristi and her date
This weekend, instead of taking the opportunity to rest and do nothing at home, I accompanied my buddy Stew in the limo he was driving his daughter/my niece and her friends to their prom.
Kristi and her other date. He was shared with another girl in the group
Given it was a special night for my niece, Kristi, I figured I would go ahead and use this as one of the very rare occasions in life to dress up. That and I probably would have been beaten to death by a 17 year-old girl and her mother. That is if my wife had even allowed me to escape without doing so, of which there is a 0% chance of happening. My wife understands the social implications and would not allow me to embarrass her or my niece by association by showing up in scrubby jeans and a greasy hole-filled t-shirt.
So Stew was the driver and I was tasked with being the henchman to keep all the little hormone-laden adolescent boys in check, as well as being the guy who operates the door for all these high school prom goers. We arrived at my niece's house just in time to walk into the tight confines of Estrogenville where the girls were still in the process of getting ready, along with some help from Lorri, Kristi's mom. My niece had no idea I was coming, and I sat in the back of the limo until we got there, and her dad went in and got her to bring her out to show her "a surprise he brought along". She seemed relatively pleased that I showed up.
Kristi with a very proud Mom and Daddy/limo driver
Eventually the boys showed up. Out of respect for my niece I decided to be nice. But not too nice. After all, as the henchman and uncle, it was my duty to murder any of these punks for even the slightest offense. Partially out of my natural protective nature, and partially because murdering high school boys is an area my resume sorely lacks. So I was torn when the boys appeared to be well behaved gentlemen throughout my time there.
I was supposed to watch over these young people, along with 3 others who showed up later
Once everyone was ready, we proceeded outside for some photos to be taken, and then off to the high school for some grand promenade march. All the couples went across the stage one at a time, announced by the principal, with names, parents, and random tidbits of information- some of it funny, some of it serious. All the couples looked very nice, especially my beautiful niece (and her date).
Once all the couples in our group were done, we decided to get the heck out of there rather than wait on every other couple to go through. We got the important ones out of the way. And it was as we were ready to leave that one of the random moments of moronism in The Mook's life occurred:
While Stew and Lorri waited on the kids to get out into the hallway, I decided to use the restroom before taking the drive over to another town for dinner. I saw the sign indicating a bathroom off the main corridor. I went in, and as I looked up and down the long wall all I saw were stalls. No urinals, merely sit down units. Now a normal guy would think twice about this, go back outside the door and double check to make sure he had the right gender's restroom. Not THIS guy. I merely stepped into a stall, lifted the lid and proceeded to alleviate my tiny woman bladder of its contents. In the middle of the process a lady walks in. I found it funny that she had come into the restroom I was using and snickered audibly, when she gasped at the sight of me. She asked if this was the women's room, to which I firmly and assuredly told her that it was not. She exits, and about 10 seconds later leans in the door to inform me that it IS in fact the women's restroom. I uttered something to the effect of "CRAP" as the sudden realization of my stupidity set in to my dense brain matter.
See? I can dress up, even if my wife says this picture makes me look fat. Plus, it makes for a stylish exit from the lady's room
As I walked out, I looked for the expected stare down from this lady to see just who the moron guy is that went into the women's room. I spotted her immediately, took a graceful bow, and made some comment to the effect that I apparently can't even read pictures. I have determined that the heavy bladder clouded my ability to see the silhouette of a girl in a dress next to the bathroom entrance. The room wasn't marked by words, but by these shapes of people. Stew and Lorri were a bit confused when I came out and took my bow, then noticed my social faux pas. To my credit, I did put the seat back down and took the time to wash my hands before leaving the little girls' room. The lady who had interrupted me, and another adult woman were quite amused at my idiocy. So I was glad to have provided a moment of frivolity that could be shared with perfect strangers, as well as all my friends who will read this.
But then we were on our way. We packed all the kids into the limousine, and set off for the Pizza Ranch for that nights supper. Even on prom night, it is weird to see the gender separation. All the boys sat on one side of the long tables and girls on the other side. At one point during our meal, I was having a discussion with one of the adults and did some pointing across the room in order to make a point. Something along the lines of saying if some guy went and tried to look down my niece's dress I would be able to spot it and kill him before he ever saw me leave my seat. Well, my finger ended up pointing right by my niece's head. She piped up and called me by my full first name. That name is only to be uttered when I am in trouble. As far as I am concerned, I was not to be in trouble with my 17 year-old niece at this moment. So I asked her in a very loud and plain manner if she had just cussed at me. One of the boys at the table saw the opportunity to jump in and flip her crap. I snapped my head in his direction and told him in a very quick but authoritative cracking of the whip to stay the hell out of it, and that it was a inter-family dispute. Not that there was a dispute, but I got my point across and he shut up immediately. I enjoyed the moment to flex my henchman status while being impressed with his quick nod of respect to his elder. It was nice of the young man to help me out with my ego, like that. Kristi then came over to my table and made me shut up. I failed to realize that even though she's not my daughter, she has me wrapped tightly around her little finger. I'm not sure how I got owned by a 17 year-old girl.
My Niece is a Diva and knows how cool she is!
After dinner we took the kids around to waste time until the dance started and we were able to drop them off and conclude our night. I have been told they had a god time, for which I am glad. It was nice to be there for one of those special events in Kristi's life, before she gets all grown up and lights out on her own entirely. And for her, I was even able to bear the wind and rain soaking me as I stood outside to make sure they all were able to get in and out of the limo as quickly as possible without any undue hassle. Diva or not, I still love her!
Clearly the girl knows how to have fun and enjoy herself!
And I sure hope she knows, as of this moment, she is the only girl (save my wife) that I would take the time and trouble to not only dress up for, but put up with a bunch of teenagers, and stand in the rain on demand, and anything else that might have been required to make sure her day and night went as perfectly as possible. She is after all the most favored of all my 17 year-old nieces, and can give me that special little look of hers that she knows full well can keep herself in only the best of my graces.