Friday, November 14, 2014


This year has been filled with scammers in my life.  And no, I'm not just talking about my cat who comes up and acts like he loves me just so I'll pet his furry fucking body. And no, I'm not talking about Nigerian princes trying to unload their fortunes on me to protect them from evil governments and rebels of said governments.  However, in my war against technology (and yes I realize I'm using the internet to post a blog against the evils of itself), the scammers have found more and more ways to get ahold of me.

I had someone offer me a job to wrap my car in advertisement for a nice little sum.  It was for Bud Lite Lime.  Now for those who know me, they know I'm cheap and will pimp out an endorsement for just about anything if you're willing to pay me.  So a few days later, I get a certified letter in the mail from Drummond Corporation- which turns out to be a coal-related company in Alabama.  Inside are two checks, both from Seminary colleges, one in Michigan and the other in Pennsylvania.  The checks are literally identical in appearance, and amount.  The only differences I find are the check numbers, the account numbers, and who they are from with their addresses.  Even the damn signature is identical.  One being a Puritanical Seminary and the other a more Evangelical type, I find it odd that they would hold with the same guy in charge of their finances, nevermind some Puritan organization pimping out alcohol.  Why not just say the Puritans are asking em to enlarge my penis to have sex with busty married MILFs at or some damn website that goes against everything they hold to be holy?

Once I received the checks, I was asked about them through text, and then to deposit the checks into my bank and forward a Western Union money order off to some lady in South Carolina, who is the party responsible for coming out to wrap my car in the advertisement.  And the texter is using a California number.  Now, maybe Americans are in fact getting dumber, and this wildly tangled web of shit is such a boondoggle that most wouldn't see through this whole charade, but I was brought up when education along with a healthy dose of common sense was instilled in a good portion of us kids early on.  I had a nice back and forth with this lady and even gave her the confirmation number for a Western Union transaction.  She said she was having problems tracking it. I had given her a 10 digit code, much like seen on googled pics of western union confirmations.  I told her the tracking number corresponds to a phone number and she can call that number and confirm it for herself.  I don't know if she ever tried it or not, but after I gave her the number to the FBI's switchboard, and I never heard a peep from her since.

On another level of scams, I have received calls from all over the country from Pretrial Intervention Services, or some other variation of a like name.  It seems, unbeknownst to me, that I owe a check cashing place a LOT of money.  Thousands of dollars even.  I'm not entirely sure how they got my information, but they did have a healthy (or rather unhealthy) portion of some pretty specific financial and personal information.  They knew who my debtor was, and how much I owed total, but they couldn't tell me the original transaction amount or any of that business.  But despite their not knowing that, I was definitely in need of a lawyer, or I was going to need to settle up before this went to trial and ruined my social security (I'm not sure how they intend to ruin my social security yet, I figured that was a politician's job), and ruin my job!  I informed one, that my current job already ruined me, and that it was already such a leech of a job that it couldn't possibly be ruined further.

The first thing that has intrigued me about these callers is that all of them have been Indian (the dot not the feather), or Pakistani or some other similar ethnic variety with a heavy accent. After literally dozens of calls from a variety of offices around the country, I have yet to run into one person on the other end of the line that has anything other than a very generic Americanized name, first and last names both.  Some use celebrity names, mostly of some pretty famous athletes including Michael Jordan!!!  Man, that guy was such a great basketball player, and been a pretty good businessman from most accounts.  The economic collapse of 2007-08 must've really hit him hard.  It seems it has caused him to genetically mutate into an Indian accented customer service representative in Ohio.  I feel kind of bad for the poor guy.  His finance manager really sucked! 

Anyways, the this last week I keep missing calls from the San Francisco Bay Area.  I take the time to listen to the voicemail.  I was hoping to hear from someone in the 49ers or Giants organizations to let me know I was getting a portion of one of the stadiums named after me, and some other perks for being such a good fan over the years.  No such luck in the was some Indian lady leaving me a well read response to call back to discuss my legal troubles.  Since I never bother to call back, they keep calling.  The other day I managed to answer the phone.  The lady (Her name happened to be Amanda Jones) wasn't so smooth in her delivery when she has to talk to me in person.  I told her that despite my legal troubles, I still regard myself as important enough to be spoken to in a more professional manner.  She told me to call back to her advisor's office at 415-513-0133, which just happened to be the same number she was calling from.  I guess business is a little bad for them that she didn't have the kind of phone that allowed her to transfer the call to the advisor personally so I could clear these matters up.  After missing yet another call while I was at work, I took a few moments to call back.  I reached Sam Watershead.  Sam also has an Indian accent.  I guess Sanjay Gupta was too busy to make the call, so at least I know I was talking to a real down home American kind of businessman. 
It seems that despite the fact that they call me from San Francisco, my case is being filed in Los Angeles County. That is quite a few hours drive between the two.  They had no reason why the debtor has NEVER bothered to contact me prior to such an important legal and financial matter would go to court, just that they had written the debt off as uncollected and warranting the spending of several thousands of dollars to haul me in for a judgement of a few thousand bucks.  Now, I'm no lawyer, but we do have a law school up here in the fancy little town of Des Moines, Iowa, and I do happen to know a few finer points of law.  For instance, in a civil judgement on a financial matter which had to have been contracted by me while residing here in the Des Moines area, they would be forced to go through my local Polk County sources, and that I would be served notice of any such impending court dates.  Sam seemed impervious to this and asked if I had a lawyer ready to go.  I said that I did not, mainly because Cash Advance America (my supposed debtor) wouldn't give me enough money to retain a lawyer, and that since I wasn't in any arrears I probably wouldn't need one anyways.  He asked me how we would resolve this matter then if I wasn't prepared with a lawyer.  When I asked if this was the part where I send him some money and he makes it all go away, he kind of hedged his bets.  So, it appears that Sam Watershead (If that's his real name! His real name is probably Peggy), wasn't a COMPLETE moron when it comes to interstate banking fraud, but he was completely unaware that I was the kind of guy who can put on a lot of bullshit to make me sound a lot smarter about matters than he can ever hope to be.  Guess I hadn't been toking enough of the marijuana joints and slobbering over my Cocoa Puffs enough to be taken in by his stupid ruse.  In fact, I just kept belching out more and more information on legal matters, financial regulations, etc etc, he finally decided, after trying and failing to "calm me down", to hang up me.  I felt pretty satisfied with my efforts.  I'm nowhere near the creative phone comedian as say Tom Mabe, but I did alright.

And just for the record, I'd like all of my readers to call the above listed number in San Francisco and see if you can talk with Sam Watershead, or whatever his nom du jour may be that day.  Let me know who you get to speak with and see if they might try to harangue you into court somewhere if you dont find a way to settle the matter ahead of time.

1 comment:

Holly DeVille said...

Loved it! Enjoyed the writing style!