Monday, August 4, 2008

"War Over!" Colonel B.S. Lovell Proclaims


A MESSAGE FROM OUR COLONEL
This past weekend, our forces responded to the recent inflammation of insurgent terrorist pests. Our initial offensive failed the week before. This time, we responded with absolute reckless abandon, exercising our "nuclear option" wreaking havoc throughout the entire Mookist domain.

Subjecting terrorists to a soapy waterboarding session proved to be the initial step towards eradicating the pestilent forces. I, Colonel Beauregard Sterling Lovell, under the guidance of General Mookie, subjected myself to this treatment. High stress levels, and loss of much hair resulted from the chemical bath. However, this was necessary in our fight to maintain our freedom from filthy bugs. We had to send a message that no measure is too costly; that we would not be deterred by weakness of any sort. After an evacuation from the interior Mookist headquarters, I nearly suffered hypothermia, but rest assured, I have recovered fully. Hair loss is still there, but has reduced itself to almost pre-treatment levels of natural shedding.
While in recovery, The General, and my other pet humans he calls the family, took out the laundry for a four hour species-cleansing event, while unleashing 3 fully powered flea bombs designed to fully eradicate the Mookist territory of all pests. With a total combined "saturation capability" of 15,000 cubic feet, the 5680 cubic feet zone of occupation was more than fully affected with our state of the art weaponry.

Upon arrival from the laundry zone, General Mookie oversaw a sweep and destroy mission to completely flush out any possible hidden surviving terrorists, culminating in the balcony drop of the tv/sleep facilitating "big brown couch". As luxurious as this piece of furniture was, it was identified as a possible stronghold for more terrorist cells to flourish. The General's wife demanded its removal from the Mookified State, and thusly, it met a nice 12 foot freefall to death, and eventually to the dumpster. More spraying, more vaccuuming, blah blah blah....the threat assessment has been dropped from full alert to normal peacetime levels.

Outfitted with my Collar of Valor, I have volunteered to be reimmersed within the week to ensure the end of surviving cells once and for all.
And to you, fellow felines, and your lesser human counterparts, it is with great pride that I, Colonel Beauregard Sterling Lovell announce that by staying the course, we have achieved victory. We will try to schedule a victory parade sometime int he near future. For those unable to attend, we will try to attain Jay Burns video making services to put it on YouTube for you all to see. Thank you again for your patience and support throughout this conflict. It truly made the difference knowing that you all shared our desire for liberty and freedom.

4 comments:

theslowbleed.com said...

Well done!

Going forward “Q”, in my household, will be working on new modern technologies; hopefully preventing this kind of drastic measure in the future.

Q’s initial products have failed on the pest front but yielded success on other fronts – who knew catnip should be dunked in the water bowl to create a nice tea?

mike said...

catnip tea, huh?? Interesting. Is it more effective at turning the cat into a neurotic mess of pure unadulterated terror than just sprinkling it about?

theslowbleed.com said...

Could be. Had a catnip mouse and Q kept dropping it into his water...go figure...

Mookie said...

My wife laughed her butt off at your account of Q!!