Afghanistan: Questioning the Leadership and the Mission

From Jeff Emanuel on RedState.com:
By now, you’ve heard or seen the news: President Obama (D-IL) has accepted the resignation of Gen. Stanley McChrystal, who had until now been in charge of the coalition’s erstwhile efforts in Afghanistan, and is attempting to demote General David [Betray Us] Petraeus from CENTCOM commander to czar of the eastern front of the [Global War on Terror] Isolated Effort to Diplomatically Prevent Man-Caused, Non-Islam-Related Disasters.




And from the blog of my friend, Scott who is also a professor of Political Science at the University of Maine: World in Motion:

The problem is that planners, both civilian and military, can always dream up a plan that on paper looks like it might work. It’s akin to a football coach putting together a plan for a play that should be able to score a winning touch down. If executed right, if the defense plays as we expect, and if there are no other difficulties encountered, then we should score.

And one last quote:
"I am appalled that Obama did not contact Col. B.S. Lovell to replace McChrystal in Afghanistan!" From Eric Stone, to my facebook wall. What President wouldn't pick a face like this to lead a big and important command?

(Note: this message was removed from my facebook wall somehow. Either Eric changed his mind, or facebook has become involved in the anti-Mookist movement gaining hold here in the U.S.)

Let me be the first to tell you that the Colonel has seriously considered putting his name in contention for the Afghan Post. He has relayed to me, that given the general rules of engagement over there aren't much different than here at the Mookist Compound. He gets to see the enemy all day, but unless he is directly attacked, he is given little latitude to operate as a top notch combat fighting machine. He has informed me that despite all this, he has opened up a can of whoop ass on a particular 6 year old in this household more than once. The Colonel estimates, in his own highly self-important position, that fighting a 1000 fully armed Taliban fighters while weaponless himself would be an easier task than living with the little punk.

The Colonel has decided if these guys can do it, he most certainly could handle the job

That information notwithstanding, the Colonel has decided ultimately against the top posting position in The Afghan Theater. He said he really does have a desire to make it on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine himself, and would have no problems with spewing forth his ideas on how wrong the Commander-in-Chief is on certain issues not having military experience or expertise himself, not on the level the Colonel does anyways. He said he would be forced to resign, or end up in Leavenworth after publicly embarrassing President Obama in a hand-to-hand confrontation. He said if the President, acting as his boss or not, even consdiered not doing exactly what teh Colonel tells him to do, this WOULD happen. I believe the exact words were, "The President would most certainly witness my cat-like reflexes." The Colonel seems to think his use of puns is hilarious.

To drive his point home, he gacked up on the carpet right in front of my feet. Then walked off as though nothing had happened. Clearly the sign of the one master strategist who could win any war deemed unwinnable by humans. Cats are a little too pompous if you ask me, but then again he'd reply that he threw up all over my office and left me, The General, to clean it up my damn self. He could be right.

Valentine's Day Terrorism

Being a married man, I like most have relatively few actual responsibilities left in life. We have to have a job and pay the bills. We have to take out the trash, or have someone delegated for the task (also read: the benefits of having children). WE have to remember birthdays, anniversaries (all of them: dating, marriage, first kiss, place you first had ice cream together and you almost swallowed your tongue when you saw the melting ice cream drip onto her chest, etc), Christmas, and Valentine's Day. If you can manage these relatively few tasks, life as a married man is pretty much golden.

That is until women start talking. They want you to listen to them. Sounds easy enough at first, until they catch on to your tricks of faking the funk while watching a game as they talked about whatever it is they were droning on for the last half hour:

If these guys don't get their act together, we're gonna be punting again. Oh crap she's staring at me..nod your head and say something vague.... okay she's talking again, good job. Oh great, I missed the play, and we are at commercial. Did we make it or are we punti-HELLO PUSSYCAT...I love the Hooters commercials. I wonder if she'd dress up in some tight clothes like that..uh huh!!! Oh crap, she's waving her arms and doing that head tilt thing she does...this probably calls for an "I understand". That reminds me, I gotta stop by the store and grab a six pack to take over to Bill's while we work on his deck...

Turns out you agreed that so-and-so's boyfriend is a total jerk and she will be going over there for a few hours and please watch the kids; you will clean out the garage next weekend at the latest, and that not to forget you promised to stay home and have a family night this evening....which you won't figure out until the argument happens when you start to leave to go to Bill's house for some woodwork and brews. Oh, and your in-laws will be stopping over for the week, next Saturday, which is why you need to get that garage cleaned, so they have a place to put their car. Boy, you are in for it later, you moron. You should've paid more attention.

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In fact I think when listening, guys have a faulty message capture. We hear the words, "You don't need to get me anything for Christmas/birthday/anniversary/Valentine's day this year", and yet manage to miss the rest of the conversation consistently. I guess when its an economic decision that goes in our favor, our brain actually kicks in for a moment.

Yeah, because that sounds good to us. I can take that money and apply it to this bill, or maybe I can go buy that (insert new toy item here) I've been looking at for awhile. Well, after being married almost 10 years, I can tell you this is the same thing as committing suicide. and any act of violence by the woman on your body will be considered fully justifiable up to and including homocide. If you live through it, you better hope you get an all male jury and a male judge, otherwise not only will she get off scot-free, but they'll find a way to pin something on you in the process. It turns out that when say say they want us to listen, we have to listen for the message and meaning of it, not just hearing the actual words. Women love to complicate things....just say what you mean, if you are saying something slightly different than what you mean, use a sarcastic tone so we can be sure. None of this double speak crap that only women understand in the first place, but have full justification for being mad at a clueless guy for not getting it.

Well, this year I have found out that pressures on getting Valentine's day gifts do not come solely from your significant other, her close friends, or any family. No, the jewelry stores are in on this heist as well. Sure, we've all heard the commercials on the radio and TV, seen the ads in print. It was all free-market non-interventionist policies. My fellow domesticated males, if you have purchased from a jewelry store in the past year or so, and they have your contact information, be prepared to get a soft sell mugging directly by the jewelry suppliers.

Last year, I bought a ring for my wife from Jared's Galleria of Jewelry (Yeah, I went to Jared's, blah blah blah). We had to replace the original ring a long time ago because a bee sting on the finger caused swelling and they had to literally cut that ring off. Well, she got a bigger one this last year to put on her finger. And she has been in twice for routine cleaning, as well as other times to "look around." Sounds more like she's casing the joint before hijacking my wallet to do a job, if you ask me. She related to me that her last time in the store, the associate asked how much she was looking to spend. My wife told her that the price wasn't her problem, but mine. I wasn't even there to defend myself with a hearty laugh and a quip of "that'll be the day", as they conspired against me. Then yesterday, I get a phone call. Jared shows up on the caller ID. Jared has been stalking me hardcore lately.

I had a $1000 line of credit..they added $400 to that for me to go further in hock on demand. They keep sending out notices and special offers through the mail to get me to come in and over extend myself credit wise. Some female from the local Jared's calls acting all sweet. Now, they are sending me out all kinds of information, including some special deals, and a one weekend only gift card good towards any purchases made this pre-Valentine's Day weekend. You know...just so I can get some ideas for what to buy my wife for Valentine's Day, and save a little money with them in the process.

First it was the radio, then the TV, then print ads I was seeing. And now they are going straight to calling me at home, just to make sure I'm okay since they hadn't heard from me after playing one of 1000 ads, and sending out two mailers. Soft Terrorism at its finest.

I'm supposed to be the head of this rinky-dink operation, but I'm pretty sure that with the support of corporate jewelry retailers, my wife is planning a coup here. If I buy and I get overextended, then we have a credit crisis, the Mookified economy collapses, she makes a power grab. If I don't buy, I'm in for it real deep, and no football game or whatever else I can find on TV will get me out of that conversation alive. And then I'll be out buying something really nice to overcompensate and say something stupid about having had this planned for a while. You know, a big fat lie that she'll catch me in sooner or later. I think she has me locked up in the perfect storm situation here and there's no way to avoid it.

I spent time thinking I would be in charge of my life. And yet somehow I'm beginning to think that was all a master illusion. A woman, whether it was mom in the beginning or the wife now, has always been running the show and just telling us that we're handling ourselves just fine. Either way, we were set up by them and the jewelry stores have disguised themselves as our "helpers", when in reality they're all in cahoots against us men.

"War Over!" Colonel B.S. Lovell Proclaims

A MESSAGE FROM OUR COLONEL
This past weekend, our forces responded to the recent inflammation of insurgent terrorist pests. Our initial offensive failed the week before. This time, we responded with absolute reckless abandon, exercising our "nuclear option" wreaking havoc throughout the entire Mookist domain.

Subjecting terrorists to a soapy waterboarding session proved to be the initial step towards eradicating the pestilent forces. I, Colonel Beauregard Sterling Lovell, under the guidance of General Mookie, subjected myself to this treatment. High stress levels, and loss of much hair resulted from the chemical bath. However, this was necessary in our fight to maintain our freedom from filthy bugs. We had to send a message that no measure is too costly; that we would not be deterred by weakness of any sort. After an evacuation from the interior Mookist headquarters, I nearly suffered hypothermia, but rest assured, I have recovered fully. Hair loss is still there, but has reduced itself to almost pre-treatment levels of natural shedding.
While in recovery, The General, and my other pet humans he calls the family, took out the laundry for a four hour species-cleansing event, while unleashing 3 fully powered flea bombs designed to fully eradicate the Mookist territory of all pests. With a total combined "saturation capability" of 15,000 cubic feet, the 5680 cubic feet zone of occupation was more than fully affected with our state of the art weaponry.

Upon arrival from the laundry zone, General Mookie oversaw a sweep and destroy mission to completely flush out any possible hidden surviving terrorists, culminating in the balcony drop of the tv/sleep facilitating "big brown couch". As luxurious as this piece of furniture was, it was identified as a possible stronghold for more terrorist cells to flourish. The General's wife demanded its removal from the Mookified State, and thusly, it met a nice 12 foot freefall to death, and eventually to the dumpster. More spraying, more vaccuuming, blah blah blah....the threat assessment has been dropped from full alert to normal peacetime levels.

Outfitted with my Collar of Valor, I have volunteered to be reimmersed within the week to ensure the end of surviving cells once and for all.
And to you, fellow felines, and your lesser human counterparts, it is with great pride that I, Colonel Beauregard Sterling Lovell announce that by staying the course, we have achieved victory. We will try to schedule a victory parade sometime int he near future. For those unable to attend, we will try to attain Jay Burns video making services to put it on YouTube for you all to see. Thank you again for your patience and support throughout this conflict. It truly made the difference knowing that you all shared our desire for liberty and freedom.

Feline War On Pests Continues

From the Desk of the Colonel
From: Colonel Beauregard Sterling Lovell

Fellow Felines And Our Pet Humans:

I come today with grave news. After taking a policy of containment in our War on Pests, things have once again taken a turn for the worse. We have already waged a great offensive over the last year, having eliminated the majority of the enemy flea insurgents, we felt confident in the containment of other likely terrorist entities.

Unfortunately, last week saw a resurgence of this terrorist group. Intelligence has concluded that radical teachings of the "reproduction against repression" variety have been taught to young underlings who found themselves subservient to the messages of the terrorist flea masters, hidden deep within hidden realms of the Feline Territory. With mass proliferation of these insurgents to all sectors, Mookist Brigades were taken by surprise while out on holiday leave. No casualties were reported on our side, but all leaves have been cancelled, and battlestations manned on full alert until further notice.

On Wednesday 23JUN2008 at 2130HRS, I, Colonel Beauregard Sterling Lovell, have submitted myself to alternate self-waterboarding, complete with full submersion and chemical bathing. While harsh on my system and psyche, I have committed myself to this harsh anti-terrorist tactic in an effort to flush out the extreme radical leadership. A second mission has been tentatively scheduled for a time TBA this upcoming weekend. We will also be looking to follow up with a Hartz UltraGuard Collar system with organophosphates (an anti-scouting internalized bio-weapons agent), along with potential use of high tech Advantage chemical weapons ordinances.

We know you all are looking to my leadership and the efforts of my army, to see if reinstituionalized tactics will be successful in quickly subduing terrorist activities entirely. We promise, upon success of our mission, we will quickly disseminate our plans for anti-insurgency throughout the feline world, to rapidly deploy forces and eradicate our world of the evil which infests our everyday lives.

Please keep us in your prayers, as we take the fight to the enemy. Upon success, our forces will be drawn down to the most minimal numbers, as we are a peaceful species, content in our lives of luxury supported by our pet humans in peace and tranquility.