So, coming up shortly is my 29th Christmas on this here planet. It is also the 22nd Christmas since I first asked for the GI Joe with the Kung-Fu grip. So far I have found myself highly disappointed 21 times. Clearly my family hates me and is wholly against my wishes.
For years I have asked for just such an item, and for years I have been denied. For years I received the bane of all Christmas gifts, socks and underwear. Except for the time in college, when my laundry budget decreed that more socks and underwear were necessary to avoid having to spend precious beer money on such trivial things like clean clothes. The one time I need them to gift me such things, they take that which I coveted, and withhold it. Seriously, as a 19-20 year old, this was one of the most serious issues of my daily life for which I had to live with.
Now back to the issue of the GI JOE (with the kungfu grip--can't forget that very important attribute). I have received huge models of firetrucks with working ladders (not asked for), stuffed animals (not asked for) and multiple other items that left me with the profound thought of "Where in the $%^! is my @%@#$%@% GI JOE (with the kungfu grip)?!?!?!?"
Clearly, this is one of the core issues that has left me mentally unstable over the years. The lack of GI JOE (with teh kungfu grip)is representative of the Freudian nature of my relationship with my parents. That, and not writing out a check to whereever when I deemed it was necessary to eat out at a restuarant. Clearly, they are responsible for all my worldly woes, and I'll not have any of you taking hteir side. I will just as easily result to sticking my fingers in my ears and "lalalalala"-ing you until you shut up with all that noise.
So, I am hoping this year is the year, in which my life's dream may be redeemed. Obviously I will stagnate indefinitely until such wrongs are righted. I could lose my car, go homeless, and contract some wierd venereal disease only known to certain places of disrepute in southeast Asia, and be fine, as long as I have my GI JOE (with the kungfu grip).
NOTE: To any of you ready to comment about being loved by God, and that gifts aren't the reason for the season...Yes we all get that, however this was a test of the Emergency Sarcasm Warning System. It was only a test, had the real sarcasm shown its face, you'd be crying in your soup right now with my biting words and indignant attitude about it all. And if you don't have any soup to cry in on such occasions, one bowl may be provided to you at no cost.