So, coming up shortly is my 29th Christmas on this here planet. It is also the 22nd Christmas since I first asked for the GI Joe with the Kung-Fu grip. So far I have found myself highly disappointed 21 times. Clearly my family hates me and is wholly against my wishes.
For years I have asked for just such an item, and for years I have been denied. For years I received the bane of all Christmas gifts, socks and underwear. Except for the time in college, when my laundry budget decreed that more socks and underwear were necessary to avoid having to spend precious beer money on such trivial things like clean clothes. The one time I need them to gift me such things, they take that which I coveted, and withhold it. Seriously, as a 19-20 year old, this was one of the most serious issues of my daily life for which I had to live with.
Now back to the issue of the GI JOE (with the kungfu grip--can't forget that very important attribute). I have received huge models of firetrucks with working ladders (not asked for), stuffed animals (not asked for) and multiple other items that left me with the profound thought of "Where in the $%^! is my @%@#$%@% GI JOE (with the kungfu grip)?!?!?!?"
Clearly, this is one of the core issues that has left me mentally unstable over the years. The lack of GI JOE (with teh kungfu grip)is representative of the Freudian nature of my relationship with my parents. That, and not writing out a check to whereever when I deemed it was necessary to eat out at a restuarant. Clearly, they are responsible for all my worldly woes, and I'll not have any of you taking hteir side. I will just as easily result to sticking my fingers in my ears and "lalalalala"-ing you until you shut up with all that noise.
So, I am hoping this year is the year, in which my life's dream may be redeemed. Obviously I will stagnate indefinitely until such wrongs are righted. I could lose my car, go homeless, and contract some wierd venereal disease only known to certain places of disrepute in southeast Asia, and be fine, as long as I have my GI JOE (with the kungfu grip).
NOTE: To any of you ready to comment about being loved by God, and that gifts aren't the reason for the season...Yes we all get that, however this was a test of the Emergency Sarcasm Warning System. It was only a test, had the real sarcasm shown its face, you'd be crying in your soup right now with my biting words and indignant attitude about it all. And if you don't have any soup to cry in on such occasions, one bowl may be provided to you at no cost.
2 comments:
Well, at least you have the dream of the perfect gift still alive! Every year you can hope for that one material object that will give your life deep and lasting meaning. Alas, back when I was ten I wanted a toy that looked fantastic. Electric football! The players moved down the field, and I could paint them purple and gold like my beloved Vikings. You're not old enough to know about electric football, but it is quite probably the suckiest toy ever invented. The surface just vibrated and the "players" moved around slowly and haphazardly. After ten minutes this relatively expensive toy I'd been begging for was pushed aside. The dream dashed. You still have your dreams, you still think the Kung Fu grip will be real, you still can go to bed at night with visions of GI JOE using his Kung Fu grip in the name of freedom and the American way. For me, the disappointment of "electric football" will haunt me forever.
Scott,
thanks for chiming in. And yes the idea of the perfect gift is still alive and well. However your electric football...i am NOT too young to remember it. I once played with it. Rather disappointing game, as strategy wasn't exactly the factor when it came to the final outcome. It would have been better if you had them attached to the board by magnet and guided by sticks underneath the board..like a freestyle fuseball table or something...but you're probably right. I'll eventualy get the GI Joe and then put it up in the closet!
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