Friday, May 15, 2009
They Underestimate Me
Sure it seemed like the legal, and maybe even moral thing to do, leaving me in this waste basket. I mean who really wants to show off their kid when they're this ugly. But they didn't realize something highly important. I have opposable thumbs and I (back then) had a huge appetite. The whole saying, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse? Yeah, that came from me. I chased down live horses and chewed them up like Hanibal Lecter on a Saturday night. I even got sneaky enough to take them down in public viewing. Those horses that look to be the big winner of the Kentucky Derby, and then suddenly trip and break their legs??? SNARE!!!
Of course, I'm so old color hadn't even made it to Iowa yet. In fact this picture of me was taken with a color camera. My mom took this picture as a last photo of me. She didn't want to get rid of me, but Dad was insistent. You see, they used to be really wealthy people. My dad had a huge plantation of herbs used for the alternative medicine field. Of course, nightly he had to sample his crops to make sure they were of the utmost highest quality. They spent many a night out early on, as my dad wined and dined my mother at the country club, or flew her out east to the yacht club in the Hamptons. And then I came along.
Somewhere in the genetic pool, I had acquired two very distinct qualities. I gained ugliness as the apparent, and most obvious genetic observation. But I also acquired the genes that turned me into a superhuman. I ran before I walked, I ate entire family meals on my own, and was able to wash a White House banquet's dishes faster than Superman could rotate the earth backwards. All before I was 1.
It was then that Dad realized he was going to have to get rid of me. Apparently I had eaten up his entire croplands to feed my intense energy needs. For some reason, that only made me hungrier. I couldn't figure it out. I didn't get big and fat like most people would have, as I depleted my energy almost as fast as I could consume it.
So then the day came. Mom and Dad dropped me off here in this basket at the nearby Eugenics Memorial Hospital. And one last picture and they were gone. At first I tried to gnaw my way out, but that metal was just too tough for my teeth. So then I summoned my superpowers, and lept out of the basket in a single dozen bounds, which caused the basket to fall over onto its side. Yes, I know, you're highly impressed with my abilities. I would be too, but its just another day in the life of me.
Just as my dad thought he would be able to obtain the great wealth he had built, I showed up again. Not at the front door mind you, but at the breakfast table. I had my bowl and my Donald Duck spoon, all ready for Mom to pour me some cereal. I would've gotten it myself, but those shelves in the pantry were built in, and I couldn't make them come crashing down....yet. I would be 2 before that would happen.
Anyways, my mom and dad come downstairs, and eyed me with great surprise. My mom of course was very happy. She always was the doting type. My dad however, finally resigned himself to the poverty he would have to face in feeding me. That and he just wasn't up to driving me back to the hospital's drop point again.
Then my sister came along. She was an accident of course. After having had me, they thought they were cured of having any more kids. I was clearly all too important to them on my own, or too much of a hassle...depends on whether you ask my mom or my dad. And it was at this time that most of my superpowers were destined to be drained. My sister is a lifesucker if I ever met one. She didn't want to play what I wnted to play and made me entertain myself. When we played tennis, all she wanted to do was volley. Of course this involves not keeping score. And not knowing how I can win if we arent keeping score thoroughly frustrated me until i beat my tennis racket into oblivion, and with it's breaking, so went my superpowers. I am now susceptible to being trapped in a 3 foot high basket with no way out, depsite being 5'8" tall. Life can be such hell!!