Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Why Women Should Be In Charge Of Housework


Now, before anyone goes and gets all riled up, let me introduce the Me of Today:

Hi, I'm an idiot. Nice to meet you.

There, now that we have the introduction out of the way, let me explain just why a woman should be in charge of the housework. Most of you know that I am the parent who is home all day. I work overnights, and then I come home in time for my wife to go to work. So, naturally, since I'm here anyways, some housework gets put on me. The vacuuming I get. I just stand there pushing a machine around and the carpet is mysteriously clean. That is, if I remember to plug the machine in and then turn it on.

The dishes are easy. We have a dishwasher (I call him Josh), who loads dishes into that machine under the counter and VOILA! Clean and sanitary dishware!

Dusting....um, we don't know anything about that. Being elitist snobs, once dust collects, we throw it all out. Okay, maybe not, but it sounds nice to have so much money I could afford to do this...despite the irony that hauling all the old stuff out, and hauling the new stuff in would be more work than actually dusting. But then again, if I have that kind of money, I would surely have people to do it for me....just like I would have someone to operate the fancy remote and change channels on demand.

Then there is laundry. Sure, seems like a mundane and easy task to perform for anyone with an IQ over, oh lets assign the arbitrary IQ threshhold at 5 (that'd be 6 in Canadian measurements).

But is laundry truly THAT simple. Today, apparently it is not. I only had to wash and dry 3 loads of jeans and shorts. This way the boys would have a sufficient amount of clothes while they go out with my wife's side of the family camping for the remainder of this week. (its been rainy, so they need all the clothes they have)

I made it through loads 1 and 2, both successfully washed and dried. My oldest son, Dishwasher, had asked me if I wanted him to check on the laundry. Of course, being the lazy father that I am, said sure, and I handed him the quarters to take load #3 out of the washer and transfer it to the dryer. He came back and informed me that all the laundry was completely done. Amazed, I thought to myself "How could this be?"

Both Dishwasher, and myself of course, looked over to see the pile of jeans and shorts laying in the corner. It looked eerily similar to the pile that was load #3. I looked over to the stacks of quarters, and sure enough, the first three loads worth of quarters was completely gone. It appears to you're favorite and most revered genius (that would be me) that I washed the inside of the laundry machine instead of the clothes I supposed to put in there.

So now, instead of having the capability to wash and dry 7 loads of laundry, I can wash 7, but only dry 6 of them. My wife would NEVER have made such an egregious error. Which is why I think SHE should do the housework, instead of the idiot she lovingly refers to as ME. See, not a chauvinistic attitude here, just merely accepting the reality that is my own reckless stupidity left unleashed. However, I think instead of taking away such a privilege as doing the laundry, she will continue to make me do it until I get it right. And once I know how to do it, I will be stuck doing it for the rest of my life(kind of like all the chores I had to do as a child growing up). Well, maybe not for the rest of my life, but at least until I'm so filthy stinking rich that I can just throw dirty laundry away, anyways.


Anonymous said...

good thing you have some time to finish the item before they leave, lol. i can't believe you did that, silly man.

Becky said...

You may be slow, but you'll get it eventually, and that's better than Dani always having to do everything just because she's smarter than you :b Dani just has to have the patience to put up with your idiocy, a Herculean task she has shouldered admirably for many, many years.

Anonymous said...

Bill Cosby already, and quite publically I might add, announced that you guys do that stuff on purpose so that the wives will just get fed up thinking it easier and faster to do it themselves.

I'm sure your wife is as intelligent as I am will most definitely make sure you keep on doing it until you finally get it right...........and then some.........hehehehehe

Mookie said...


If we owned the washer and dryer, this might be true. However it is a rental through the landlord, that runs everyone who uses it $1.50 per wash and $1.50 per dryer load. Now a $1.50 wasted may not seem like a whole lot, but since it wasn't wasted on say, food in my belly, even such a small amount can drive me up the wall. Ask my wife, she knows I'm a really cheap SOB!!!!

Anonymous said...

Well, at least the washing machine was really clean when you finally put the load of clothes into it.

Mookie said...

Yeah, that's it. That is exactly what I meant to do!!

(okay, so that didn't sound very believable, did it?)