Eating Crow

Have you ever gone and communicated something and then realize that you have just shoved your own foot in your mouth?


Well, yesterday I got a whole heaping of it. It was April Fools' Day as most people know. I love this "holiday" for the pure simple fact that I can prank someone and its all good no matter what I do. It turns out I was wrong on that count as well.

I'm best at physical pranks, like the celophaning toilets, sinks, doorways. Or filling up a room or car with packing peanuts. Things of that nature. Cerebral jokes, or ones in which I must talk my way through them...not so much. And yesterday proved not only do I really suck at them, but I can do some serious damage with my sick mentality.

In all my glorious 'genius' (I'm using this term extremely lightly in these circumstances), I arrived home from work yesterday, logged onto facebook and posted a notice in which I credited to my wife about me dying in a car accident the night before, and funeral plans would be pending.

Now, I spend a lot of time blowing smoke up people's kiesters. Of all things for certain people to take seriously, apparently this was the one message. The first few people to respond took it as it was intended. Just a really dumb (albeit very sick) joke that went too far. However, a few people got at least a little offended, and some very seriously upset assuming the post was true.

I received a call from my sister almost immediately after I posted this message. She was pretty sure she would have received a call about this instead of reading it on facebook, but opted to call here just to be on the safe side. A friend of mine in the area also called, basically to call me an idiot. I was called a variety of names such as idiot, loser, asinine, f*$%er, stupid. Other mentions were made of disappointment in me, and how I suck, and how they are pissed at me. All valid criticisms, and ones I would have to accept regardless of validity in this case.

Most of it was pretty generic, but then I received a message from my best friend, Jed. I grew up with Jed and his brothers. They were like brothers to me, and their parents were my 2nd set of parents as well while growing up. It turns out his mother, my second mother, saw the post and lost it. She was unable to scroll down to where the joke was exposed, and called Jed. She was very upset with the idea of me dying first, then at me for doing that to her. He forwarded me her phone number to call her.

It rang quite a few times. Part of me wanted it to go to voicemail, as that would have been easier to deal with, however she did end up answering. I have not received an ass chewing of that quality in quite some time. I was physically hurting from the emotional burden of this phone call. Unlike the selfish bother it can be when you're a kid being bothered because of the very act of getting chewed out, I was actually genuinely bothered by her reaction. One of the rare times in my life where I found myself feeling bad for the other party and what I had done to them. I found myself pretty speechless to the point that she had to ask if I was still there to accept the well deserved ass chewing I was getting. Saying she was very heavily upset is an understatement. I do not possess the vocabulary to describe her emotional toil that I had subjected upon her. I know she loves me and all being one of her "extra kids", and has forgiven me (punishment pending of course).

Needless to say, whenever she comes out to Iowa, or I go back out to Wyoming, I have at least a few butt-kickings to endure from her. And her husband, well, since I made her cry, I have a feeling that I am going to find out LITERALLY just what being taken out behind the woodshed means.

At her suggestion I pre-emptively emailed my mother in case she got wind of it, to let her know it was all a very bad and stupid 'joke'.

I also managed to offend one friend here in Iowa. He has a family member currently not doing well, and with a bad prognosis for the future. So this "joke" was more than just a little bit ill-timed for him to be reading about.

It was quite apparent that I was doing very little in the way of thinking yesterday morning when I went ahead with my idiotic idea. I made a dumb assumption that people would just laugh at me for making a monstrously poor attempt at an April Fools joke. I've always been more like a jester, and the idea of people caring that much, at least expressed openly, has always made me a bit uncomfortable.

To those of you who didn't take it seriously, I'm not sure if I should be mad at you for not caring enough to believe it, like some of the others did.

Either way, to those whom I offended and upset, I truly am sorry, and hope you accept my most sincere of apologies.

Titles I've Earned or Being Nominated For This Year

1. Rent-a-Cop of the Year 2009 (Nominated)
As the first Rent-a-Cop to have this honor bestowed upon me 2 years in a row, I'm pretty sure I have this one locked in. There are a couple challengers, but as a top notch Rent-a-Cop, I'm not at all threatened by their nominations. After all, they'd have to do something pretty spectacular to unseat a worthy incumbent of this award. Of course it helps to have humility in my job, and I must say I am the most humble person I know.

2. Duck-Duck-Goose Championship of 2009 (WINNER!)
Need I say more? Of course, it was pointed out that as the only participant in the championship round, I easily won because I was able to goose myself, and not able to duck myself in the process. Hard Fought victories are always criticized by those who couldn't achieve such levels of greatness

3. Red Rover Championship of 2009 (Runner Up)
Well, I might have been the champion outright, but due to the fact that I was the victim of a vicious clotheslining on my last run, I had to settle for second place...call me Mr Congeniality. I suppose it also helps to maybe divide the classes of competition by height. The other team was all so tall that every last one of them had their arms as low as they could go....I still couldn't get my head above their arms.

4. 13th Annual Dr James of the Year Award (Nominated)
I have one this very prestigious award within the "internet doctor" community once before, after having my groundbreaking research paper on Cooties published (see short synopsis here) not only within the James Institute of Medicine's Journal of Faux Medical Conditions, but also within the realm of great blogs, such as this one, as well as a few others which were mysteriously erased by the AMA's hit squad of disinformation. I thought my chances were really good on winning this one. Then I read the names and files on the nominees. I still have a chance, however, Dr James II, a clear contender, may end up being the overall winner. In addition to his great medical efforts to create an adoption campaign and process which should conclude in the first half of next year, he also has another distinguishable mark on his record. His efforts in inter-species communication finally saw a breakthrough with this instance. It seems that in an effort to flirt with his wife while driving down the road, he became confused and called her fat. For the full and informative study on this medical miracle go here. The medical miracle here is of course, that he didn't suffer a sudden and violent death. This alone is almost certain to cement him into the winner's circle.
One lucky thing about not being the winner is the fact that the eventual winner has to pay the tab on the banquet ceremony as well as at the pre- and post-ceremony bar gatherings. I shouldn't have to worry about much. My only medical accomplishments this year are my ability to be lazy and sit on my butt, and still lose 17 lbs of bodyweight. Thats right..no fad diets, or exercise programs...I did it all by being lazy.

5. Sexiest Man of the Year- Lovell Household (Nominated)
Being the only adult male in my household, I sure as hell hope I win this one. If not, there are going to be some serious questions to be asked and allegations to be made.

6. Lovell Household Greenthumb Award (Winner)
As the only person in this house to keep a plant alive for over 3 weeks, I was easily declared the winner in this competition.

Why Women Should Be In Charge Of Housework

AN UPDATE: DAY AFTER THIS POST- I HAVE SO FAR SUCCESSFULLY MANAGED TO DO THE JOB RIGHT!

Now, before anyone goes and gets all riled up, let me introduce the Me of Today:

Hi, I'm an idiot. Nice to meet you.

There, now that we have the introduction out of the way, let me explain just why a woman should be in charge of the housework. Most of you know that I am the parent who is home all day. I work overnights, and then I come home in time for my wife to go to work. So, naturally, since I'm here anyways, some housework gets put on me. The vacuuming I get. I just stand there pushing a machine around and the carpet is mysteriously clean. That is, if I remember to plug the machine in and then turn it on.

The dishes are easy. We have a dishwasher (I call him Josh), who loads dishes into that machine under the counter and VOILA! Clean and sanitary dishware!

Dusting....um, we don't know anything about that. Being elitist snobs, once dust collects, we throw it all out. Okay, maybe not, but it sounds nice to have so much money I could afford to do this...despite the irony that hauling all the old stuff out, and hauling the new stuff in would be more work than actually dusting. But then again, if I have that kind of money, I would surely have people to do it for me....just like I would have someone to operate the fancy remote and change channels on demand.

Then there is laundry. Sure, seems like a mundane and easy task to perform for anyone with an IQ over, oh lets assign the arbitrary IQ threshhold at 5 (that'd be 6 in Canadian measurements).

But is laundry truly THAT simple. Today, apparently it is not. I only had to wash and dry 3 loads of jeans and shorts. This way the boys would have a sufficient amount of clothes while they go out with my wife's side of the family camping for the remainder of this week. (its been rainy, so they need all the clothes they have)

I made it through loads 1 and 2, both successfully washed and dried. My oldest son, Dishwasher, had asked me if I wanted him to check on the laundry. Of course, being the lazy father that I am, said sure, and I handed him the quarters to take load #3 out of the washer and transfer it to the dryer. He came back and informed me that all the laundry was completely done. Amazed, I thought to myself "How could this be?"

Both Dishwasher, and myself of course, looked over to see the pile of jeans and shorts laying in the corner. It looked eerily similar to the pile that was load #3. I looked over to the stacks of quarters, and sure enough, the first three loads worth of quarters was completely gone. It appears to you're favorite and most revered genius (that would be me) that I washed the inside of the laundry machine instead of the clothes I supposed to put in there.

So now, instead of having the capability to wash and dry 7 loads of laundry, I can wash 7, but only dry 6 of them. My wife would NEVER have made such an egregious error. Which is why I think SHE should do the housework, instead of the idiot she lovingly refers to as ME. See, not a chauvinistic attitude here, just merely accepting the reality that is my own reckless stupidity left unleashed. However, I think instead of taking away such a privilege as doing the laundry, she will continue to make me do it until I get it right. And once I know how to do it, I will be stuck doing it for the rest of my life(kind of like all the chores I had to do as a child growing up). Well, maybe not for the rest of my life, but at least until I'm so filthy stinking rich that I can just throw dirty laundry away, anyways.