So today we all gather together and give thanks for all that is good in our lives. Well, most of us. The majority of those living in the Mookified Compound have set out, meanwhile I'm stuck here guarding the compound with the General. That stupid idiot put out self pity messages complaining about only getting to eat a turkey pot pie for the holiday. Meanwhile, I get dry cat food...just like every other damn day of the year. The General may well find himself the victim of my combatives training later on today after he heats that pot pie up, then I can enjoy some delicious turkey meat. I'll let him try the cat food and tehn he can realize just how thankful he can be.
Personally, I'd be more thankful if I was President Obama. He pardoned that turkey, Courage, so that he can live out his days in Disney World. If I were El Presidente, that turkey would be dead, and I'd be burping feathers right about now. Who has time for cooking the bird when you can take him down right away and enjoy a nice meal without the wait?
But overall I'm thankful for my home. Its nice and warm here. And unlike my previous assignment guarding a garage with all my brothers and sisters where its cold, I can lounge about all I want. And, after making the general escort me to my mess hall, I can eat. With a belly full of food, I can return to napping, or shred everything in this apartment. It's great, because the General gets all mad, and yet, can't do a damn thing about it. I'm grateful that his rank doesn't come with any real power over me. Hell, that punk used to be a major. Once I made Colonel, he promoted himself to General just to not be outranked by me. How sad is that. Yeah, way to go Mr Top of the Food Chain!
So today, as you all give thanks for your food and football games, and begrudging your family your time, I shall be staking out the deck, looking for some fresh flying food, and maybe a nice squirrel or two. Little bastards run rampant around here, but I'm gonna get them one of these days.
So, you be sure and thank me for serving my duties here and suffering through dry cat food, while you're all safe and secure this holiday. As a cat and a colonel both, I DESERVE your damn appreciation for all I do for you. My mere existence should please you to no end. But if any one of you sonsabitches tries to pet me...I'll kill you.
Enjoy your day.
Sincerely,
Colonel B.S. Lovell
Mookified Feline Division, Commanding
2 comments:
Does your cat really swear like that?
In my house, if a cat swore and there were children and/or ladies present, he'd have his mouth washed out with soap.
:)
Josh,
Thanks for checking in. To answer your question, yes the cat is quite the foul-mouthed cussing cat. He usually reserves it for his newsletters like this one (there are more out there), however occasionally helets fly. Luckily for him, and the innocent ears of my children, its usually in Felinese, which I'm the only one in the compound who understands it.
As for washing his mouth out with soap...well, by all means, come for a visti and try it. It's hard enough to give him a bath, neverminded a targeted cleansing like that which you suggest. If you do volunteer for the effort, I sould suggest some type of protective wear for your hands, arms, face, and possibly chest. The colonel has all his claws, and isn't shy about the use of them if he gets the least bit upset!
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