No, not the apocalyptic end, or anything like that..at least I don't think so anyways.
Nope what I'm talking about is the end of the year, which also means the highly anticipated Rent-a-Cop of the Year Awards Ceremony. If you haven't been awarded a VIP ticket, just drop me a note, and we'll get you a seat reserved.
For those of you still wishing to contend for this prestigious award, there is still time. If you want to make a nomination, pass on this notice on. ALL NOMINATION FORMS MUST BE RECEIVED NO LATER THAN MIDNIGHT CENTRAL STANDARD TIME ON SUNDAY DECEMBER 6, 2009. Late entries will not be accepted.
The requirements are first to have worked a security gig of any kind DURING 2009...yes even those of you who acted as protective big brothers over your 4 yr old sister's birthday party at the Chuck E Cheese's will be accepted.
Secondly, you must submit a picture of you in your security uniform, even if its a stupid shirt that just says 'security' on it. All poses are accepted, be it a simple head shot, a mug shot (for those of you who went to jail for beating down some poor bum for rooting through one of your clients' trash bins), an action pose, etc. NOTE: We do NOT accept racy photos. Should you submit one, even as a jokey extra photo, to the committee, you will find yourself the subject of many blogs, web pages, maybe an ad in the paper or with online advertisers..but you will be given exposure of the negative type. We will also subject your email inbox with more spam than you thought could possibly fit. If you have limited space email accounts, we will crash them. Oh, and you will be docked points that go toward determining the winner of this award. All of these proposed consequences are not to be considered a threat, a promise, or any other like word. Merely a fact.
Thirdly, you must submit your accomplishments as to why you should be considered for Rent-a-Cop of the Year. This can be done in essay form, or merely enumerating your vast accomplishments. These must be actual events; you can't go making up fictitious events like saying you were responsible for stopping terrorist-hijacked planes from crashing into your beloved lego tower. And the language must be clean. In other words, if any word you use would get a 10 year old kid's mouth washed out with soap, I'd suggest you replace it with a different word of synonymous meaning. This is a disqualifying offense.
Fourthly, This year we have eliminated the talent contest as well as the swimsuit competitions. You can thank last years contestants for taking things a bit too far. I still shudder at the big hairy guy in the speedo. Trust me, this is for the well-being of all involved.
To submit your info, merely send all requirements to my email: firstname.lastname@example.org with 'RENTACOP 2009' in the subject header. This will be a BYOB event. Hey, we're rentacops, which can also be read as 'poor broke bastards'.
TO ANSWER A FEW QUESTIONS POSED TO THE COMMITTEE:
1. To those wondering why I, Mookie, can be in contention for the award, while being on the judges' committee as well....hey, I invented this award, therefore I make the rules...get over it, or don't participate.
2. No, we will not divulge the contestants to the others involved until the day of the award. You can thank a couple guys who tried to mace and tase the competition a few days prior to the 2007 awards ceremony. We do not condone skewing the results through premeditated assaults. Which leads us to the next question...
3. YES, you do have to be present at the Awards Ceremony to win. If you aren't there, you can guarantee you lost.
4. NO, we do NOT pass out little awards for participating. This is America, and we believe in true competition. There is only one winner, and one winner only. The losers just have to suck it up and hope for next year.
5. Yes, contestants complaining about the judges, the outcome, or any other process associated with the competition have the right to be shot without prior warning. In other words, no bitching allowed. Before, during or after does not matter. We will have you shot in cold blood. We allow gloating by the winner no matter how horrible it is, but no sore losers.
6. This is a Badge and Tie affair for the contestants. Be sure to adhere to the rules, or you will be docked for it. For spouses, significant others, civil partners, or mere spectator attendees...you can wear whatever you want. but since sometimes things get a bit too celebratory in nature at these awards shows, you know with crowd control lacking since the Rent-a-Cops will all be at VIP tables on stage and off-duty (meaning we don't friggin work that night for anything), I'd wear something you don't mind getting dirty...or wet.
7. This Judge can be bribed with a new pair of regulation black combat boots (size 8 1/2W)
That is all. Remember...all nominee forms need to be completed and turned in to my email box by midnight of Sunday, December 6th, 2009.