The End Is Near!!!!

No, not the apocalyptic end, or anything like that..at least I don't think so anyways.

Nope what I'm talking about is the end of the year, which also means the highly anticipated Rent-a-Cop of the Year Awards Ceremony. If you haven't been awarded a VIP ticket, just drop me a note, and we'll get you a seat reserved.

For those of you still wishing to contend for this prestigious award, there is still time. If you want to make a nomination, pass on this notice on. ALL NOMINATION FORMS MUST BE RECEIVED NO LATER THAN MIDNIGHT CENTRAL STANDARD TIME ON SUNDAY DECEMBER 6, 2009. Late entries will not be accepted.

The requirements are first to have worked a security gig of any kind DURING 2009...yes even those of you who acted as protective big brothers over your 4 yr old sister's birthday party at the Chuck E Cheese's will be accepted.

Secondly, you must submit a picture of you in your security uniform, even if its a stupid shirt that just says 'security' on it. All poses are accepted, be it a simple head shot, a mug shot (for those of you who went to jail for beating down some poor bum for rooting through one of your clients' trash bins), an action pose, etc. NOTE: We do NOT accept racy photos. Should you submit one, even as a jokey extra photo, to the committee, you will find yourself the subject of many blogs, web pages, maybe an ad in the paper or with online advertisers..but you will be given exposure of the negative type. We will also subject your email inbox with more spam than you thought could possibly fit. If you have limited space email accounts, we will crash them. Oh, and you will be docked points that go toward determining the winner of this award. All of these proposed consequences are not to be considered a threat, a promise, or any other like word. Merely a fact.

Thirdly, you must submit your accomplishments as to why you should be considered for Rent-a-Cop of the Year. This can be done in essay form, or merely enumerating your vast accomplishments. These must be actual events; you can't go making up fictitious events like saying you were responsible for stopping terrorist-hijacked planes from crashing into your beloved lego tower. And the language must be clean. In other words, if any word you use would get a 10 year old kid's mouth washed out with soap, I'd suggest you replace it with a different word of synonymous meaning. This is a disqualifying offense.

Fourthly, This year we have eliminated the talent contest as well as the swimsuit competitions. You can thank last years contestants for taking things a bit too far. I still shudder at the big hairy guy in the speedo. Trust me, this is for the well-being of all involved.

To submit your info, merely send all requirements to my email: mookie369@yahoo.com with 'RENTACOP 2009' in the subject header. This will be a BYOB event. Hey, we're rentacops, which can also be read as 'poor broke bastards'.

TO ANSWER A FEW QUESTIONS POSED TO THE COMMITTEE:
1. To those wondering why I, Mookie, can be in contention for the award, while being on the judges' committee as well....hey, I invented this award, therefore I make the rules...get over it, or don't participate.

2. No, we will not divulge the contestants to the others involved until the day of the award. You can thank a couple guys who tried to mace and tase the competition a few days prior to the 2007 awards ceremony. We do not condone skewing the results through premeditated assaults. Which leads us to the next question...

3. YES, you do have to be present at the Awards Ceremony to win. If you aren't there, you can guarantee you lost.

4. NO, we do NOT pass out little awards for participating. This is America, and we believe in true competition. There is only one winner, and one winner only. The losers just have to suck it up and hope for next year.

5. Yes, contestants complaining about the judges, the outcome, or any other process associated with the competition have the right to be shot without prior warning. In other words, no bitching allowed. Before, during or after does not matter. We will have you shot in cold blood. We allow gloating by the winner no matter how horrible it is, but no sore losers.

6. This is a Badge and Tie affair for the contestants. Be sure to adhere to the rules, or you will be docked for it. For spouses, significant others, civil partners, or mere spectator attendees...you can wear whatever you want. but since sometimes things get a bit too celebratory in nature at these awards shows, you know with crowd control lacking since the Rent-a-Cops will all be at VIP tables on stage and off-duty (meaning we don't friggin work that night for anything), I'd wear something you don't mind getting dirty...or wet.

7. This Judge can be bribed with a new pair of regulation black combat boots (size 8 1/2W)

That is all. Remember...all nominee forms need to be completed and turned in to my email box by midnight of Sunday, December 6th, 2009.

Titles I've Earned or Being Nominated For This Year

1. Rent-a-Cop of the Year 2009 (Nominated)
As the first Rent-a-Cop to have this honor bestowed upon me 2 years in a row, I'm pretty sure I have this one locked in. There are a couple challengers, but as a top notch Rent-a-Cop, I'm not at all threatened by their nominations. After all, they'd have to do something pretty spectacular to unseat a worthy incumbent of this award. Of course it helps to have humility in my job, and I must say I am the most humble person I know.

2. Duck-Duck-Goose Championship of 2009 (WINNER!)
Need I say more? Of course, it was pointed out that as the only participant in the championship round, I easily won because I was able to goose myself, and not able to duck myself in the process. Hard Fought victories are always criticized by those who couldn't achieve such levels of greatness

3. Red Rover Championship of 2009 (Runner Up)
Well, I might have been the champion outright, but due to the fact that I was the victim of a vicious clotheslining on my last run, I had to settle for second place...call me Mr Congeniality. I suppose it also helps to maybe divide the classes of competition by height. The other team was all so tall that every last one of them had their arms as low as they could go....I still couldn't get my head above their arms.

4. 13th Annual Dr James of the Year Award (Nominated)
I have one this very prestigious award within the "internet doctor" community once before, after having my groundbreaking research paper on Cooties published (see short synopsis here) not only within the James Institute of Medicine's Journal of Faux Medical Conditions, but also within the realm of great blogs, such as this one, as well as a few others which were mysteriously erased by the AMA's hit squad of disinformation. I thought my chances were really good on winning this one. Then I read the names and files on the nominees. I still have a chance, however, Dr James II, a clear contender, may end up being the overall winner. In addition to his great medical efforts to create an adoption campaign and process which should conclude in the first half of next year, he also has another distinguishable mark on his record. His efforts in inter-species communication finally saw a breakthrough with this instance. It seems that in an effort to flirt with his wife while driving down the road, he became confused and called her fat. For the full and informative study on this medical miracle go here. The medical miracle here is of course, that he didn't suffer a sudden and violent death. This alone is almost certain to cement him into the winner's circle.
One lucky thing about not being the winner is the fact that the eventual winner has to pay the tab on the banquet ceremony as well as at the pre- and post-ceremony bar gatherings. I shouldn't have to worry about much. My only medical accomplishments this year are my ability to be lazy and sit on my butt, and still lose 17 lbs of bodyweight. Thats right..no fad diets, or exercise programs...I did it all by being lazy.

5. Sexiest Man of the Year- Lovell Household (Nominated)
Being the only adult male in my household, I sure as hell hope I win this one. If not, there are going to be some serious questions to be asked and allegations to be made.

6. Lovell Household Greenthumb Award (Winner)
As the only person in this house to keep a plant alive for over 3 weeks, I was easily declared the winner in this competition.