Tuesday, September 13, 2011

God Versus Nature

So just a bit of disgusting guy humor to chew on for a few minutes. Now I know you all usually come here for up to date serious discussions that I introduce which will inevitably change the world, but I figured I'd lighten things up from my usual all-business-all-the-time posts...

So I had some greasy foods and some fiber loaded foods over the course of a few days. Eventually they came back to haunt me while I was working. Before you ask, no I did NOT soil myself while driving the patrol car. I did however go to a familiar facility that I am comfortable using. It also happened to be a church, an episcopalian one at that, that I lock up and do security checks at. I had a copy of the Sunday paper and took it in with me. 20 minutes and 10 pounds later, I ran out of that bathroom. You know its pretty bad when your own stuff frightens your sense of smell to the very core.

Surely I thought I will burn in hell for having destroyed the facilities. So naturally I asked a female friend. She assured me that "Jesus always forgives." That's nice, but also one opinion from someone who doesn't exactly regularly attend church, and keep up to date on the Sin/Not a Sin list.

So I asked a male coworker. He assured me that "Blowing up a Sh***** in the House of God is one of those unforgivable sins like suicide and that surely you will burn."

So, in order to break the tie I went to my lovely sister for her opinion. I told her the basic story and the answers I received from my two friends. She then informed me most assuredly that "God is an angry God. The New Testament and Jesus love stuff was just to co opt the tenderhearted people into worshipping God. And that you will definitely burn in hell." Again this opinion is from a non churchgoing person....but awfully harsh coming from a new age hippie liberal type. That and she is my sister... she probably relishes the day to find out whether I burn in hell or not, hoping for the former. Lot of love between her and I.

I asked her that if I destroyed an Episcopalian bathroom with all their tender loving God ways being a falsity in the name of the true angry God, that I might get leniency for helping to take down his false church. She said I'd be lucky if that were the case... she's probably still hoping for the hellfire and brimstone option for me.

Then I began to wonder... Angry god or not, he made me and he made the stuff to make the food I ate, and he should've foreseen the problem of the nature of my body reacting to this stuff and known that sooner or later, a church would be bombed out by my #2 stinky business. So ultimately this is God's fault (this is purely satire...don't go getting in a huff over this statement, you religious fanatics!) for making me this way...after all He created me in His image....So maybe I'm just trying to achieve His goal of becoming more like him. Maybe this production of Smoke On The (Holy Toilet) Water, is more of an homage of His greatness? Has God destroyed a few spiritual toilets in an effort to exalt Himself in front of the angels as an All-Powerful God among Gods?

Discuss amongst yourselves, and proffer your opinions.... Was it a Holy Sh*t, or a fast track to Hell?


brotherpeacemaker said...

Ha, ha, ha!!! You sound like a lightweight. Trust me, I've taken dumps with an aroma so strong that left me so light headed I started hallucinating. You know you're in trouble when you're washing your hands and you hear a voice saying, "I'm alive" coming from the stall you just vacated! (At least I keep telling myself that it was just in my head!) And better to burn in hell than to get one of those burning anus dumps from food spiced with peppers strong enough to have been grown under a gamma radiation light in the basement of some government lab.

I say fret not. Who knows? Maybe God sent you to that church to leave a message. Kind of like the plagues that were sent to influence the pharaoh, maybe you were sent to change somebody's mind. Just think about it for a second, you probably changed the mind of the guy that walked into that bathroom shortly after you walked out...


Mookie said...

Brother P!

I first off want to say I resmeble that lightweight remark. So what if I don't like stuff too spicy...I have a sensitive pallette, and I'm not taking too many risks with my heiny either. I at one time however took vitamins so potent that after going #1 in the middle of the night, there was a nuclear radiation-like glow illuminating the house like a nightlight, even after flushing. Very comforting, like the neon signs outside your window at a motel located in a questionable neighborhood!

As for the guy entering the bathroom after me that night, he at least got a nice 8 hour minimum. (I lock the place up for the night and unlock it the following morning)... so if its that potent to affect the next one in line, I'm sure the church itself would've melted down prior to his arrival!

Great to see you commenting on my stuff. I've felt like I've been writing for myself with this lack of commenter traffic as of late! So Thanks!

brotherpeacemaker said...

I hear what you're saying. Next time, check the label on those Flintstones Chernobyl edition vitamins. You should've been suspicious when they replaced the Dino the dinosaur shaped tablets with the ones shaped like a radiation containment dome.


Stick64 said...

So that's what that was when I came on duty last weekend! I thought something crawled inside and died! I had to do a major security sweep through the building and make sure noone was dead in there! Man, next time leave a note or something!

Becky said...

Hahaha, I love that you quoted me. I don't hope that you will burn in hell but I'm afraid it's inevitable now. ;)