The Unfound Variable In Math Is My Brain

Yesterday when the boys came over after school... that sounds funny to me. Before the split between their mother and I, it was "the boys came home", but they live with her, so that's home now. So I wonder is my place still home to them as well, or just their dad's place (even though its the same place they called home for 7 years)?

Anyways, after they came here they whipped out their homework to do. It was a math day. For Corwyn, being in the first grade, things are pretty simple. Low numbers, adding and subtracting, counting money and the whole less than (<) greater than (>) and equal to (=) business. Yesterday, what he had to do was counting up money, and figuring out which coins shown on the page were needed to buy the illustrated picture with a price tag on it. Simple stuff, like I said. However, after going over one he was having issues. Two problems shown themselves to me, the first one I didn't fully understand, and that was his wanting to keep confusing quarters as nickels...but only some of the quarters. I'm not sure if we have solidified in his little brain that the bigger "nickel" is actually a quarter and worth 25 cents every single time, while the little nickel is in fact a nickel and worth a measly 5 cents. The other problem I fully understood. Right as the boys were getting started on their homework, another little boy came by wanting to play. Which of course means to little kids, most especially hyperactive little boys such as mine, that the brain has now been reprogrammed to think almost entirely about going outside to play. Math, even that involving money, is not only not that interesting, but hard to comprehend even in the simplest of circumstances. But with a little help focusing on the homework from good ol Dad, he managed to get through his worksheet for the day, and as soon as it was done he was out the door. He didn't bother to put it in his book bag to take home with him so he'd have it to turn into his teacher the next day, it literally floated slowly down onto the end table next to the couch, landing sometime shortly after he was already a good 25 feet outside with his little buddy. I would say I've been there, but I was the type of kid who ran out of school so fast at the end of the day, that not only did any unfinished schoolwork not get taken home, but I had actually arrived home 3 to 4 minutes prior to the bell ringing that signified the end of the school day. I defy any physics teacher or those guys running CERN to figure out the possibility of how I performed this amazing feat.

And then it was on to reviewing one of the older boy's (JOSH) math test. Now Josh is in the 6th grade, and compared to 1st grade, the difficulty level has exponentially increased. No easy A's counting money. No we're talking about long division, fractions, algebraic equations and all that other fun horseshit...most of which will never again be used beyond the halls of Academia. I did a LOT of math growing up, and I passed those classes, and true to form never used them again. Until yesterday, when I looked over Josh's test. He had gotten a 78% on the test, which I was expected to sign and have him return it to the teacher. SO naturally I looked it over, and we went over the mistakes he had made, and figured out what he had done wrong, which basically boils down to he doesn't really care, so he doesn't focus too hard on it, and I believe he already understands that he isn't going to be using this stuff later in life. Part of me is confused, because he is so good at his science class, which is basically word problem math put into action. But whatever, I guess he's going to have to figure that out on his own sooner or later.

So then we go to the extra credit portion of the test, which has 5 or 6 questions of its own. The first section asked questions in relation to a Venn Diagram. He got some questions right, and a couple wrong...of which I couldn't see how he got any of them wrong, until I noticed that what I thought was a right answer was indeed wrong, due to the Venn diagram being in a box, with an extra figure in the corner. Apparently Dad needs to focus as well. So we got that figured out. Then we had to figure out probability of a coin landing in a circle on a square mat, figuring out the area of each. Much to my dismay, they represented PI as a fraction (22/7) instead of the commonly used, and much easier to use number (3.14) we all learned growing up. So we had to figure out this probability with the fractions. It took a bit of figuring out, but we got the right answer. Or rather I figured it out after showing him how to make serious mistakes first. Because I'm a math idiot.

And then finally it was onto finding variables to solve equations. He answered one, and left the other blank. The one he answered, I saw absolutely no work done on it, but somehow he decided "7" was a good answer. I asked about scratch paper, or calculators, none of which they had been allowed to use. For a boy whose mind is constantly moving from one thing to the next, he believed he had the ability, and that I had the wool pulled over my eyes far enough to believe, that he could solve the problem entirely in his head. Turns out, while Dad did not know how to figure out the problem correctly, he could figure out that 7 was a bad answer with a simple glance, and that there was no way in hell Josh did all that algebra in his head. Math is not Josh's strong suit, which is fine as long as he tries, but staring aimlessly about and deciding the answer to a complicated formula would come to him out of thin air was not going to cut the mustard. So we looked over the one he left blank, and in an attempt to show him that I had retained my school math knowledge (which once we got into the higher math consisted of someone else doing my daily work in exchange for me doing their chemistry lab projects- which the only math I involved there was calculating how much I owed the school for destroying their equipment regularly), I have begun to understand that because I no longer participate in math classes, I have forgotten what little bit I learned.

SO I was subtracting from one side of the equation, adding to the other side, and trying to get the variable figured out, so we could solve the problem...then erasing what I did, adding on one side, adding on the other, ERASE ERASE ERASE, subtracting on one side, subtracting on the other, and AHA, I have found the number. "You see, Josh?" I asked, "If you do it like that, it will work out neatly." Then I plugged the number in, and my equations didn't line up. This elicited a small chuckle at my very apparent algebraic incompetence. I wanted to say something about how its much funnier that he's actually being told how to do the stuff and he doesn't get it, than his dad not knowing how to do something right that he hasn't even contemplated in 15 years or so. But, I left the thought in my head, mostly because if I was going to put him and his laughing at me in their rightful place, I'd probably better have half an idea what the hell I am talking about first. As it turns out, I didn't even begin to have half a clue. So on the notebook paper we were using I left a note to the teacher that she's going to have to send example work home on how to do equations, because Josh's Dad is a moron who can't even help out with much of the 6th grade math without much difficulty. We'll see if she follows through with that, or leave me wondering if her and the other math teachers get together in the teacher lounge laughing hysterically at the fact that an almost 32 year old man can't do 6th grade level math.

Here's the best way to find your friggin variable!!!:

My Sons Have Found That School Is The Easiest Way To Bleed My Wallet

I was pondering over the words of someone else, obviously a parent, that went something like this:

I wonder how it is a 6 year old can still be "starving" AFTER having eaten us out of house and home

It's an interesting thought, that I think we parents all realize, but because of its natural and constant occurrence from one generation through the rest of the generations, we never bother to really pay it any attention. More on the specifics of this later.

Within a month or two of school starting, and the boys both having equal amounts of money in their lunch accounts, I get a notice in their Monday folders that they are low. The oldest one, Josh, was not just low but negative in his account. It took me a while to think this over, and after having had a discussion with him, I found out he was taking some of the little extra "ala carte" items that cost him, or rather his parents (That'd be me and my wife), extra money, and thereby reducing the amount of lunches that can be bought before I have to go about writing another check to the local school nutrition department. So we got that straightened out...well mostly. I found out through the lady in the school office today that he still occasionally does this, but not everyday like he used to.

So I get home from work this morning and my wife tells me I have errands to run. Deposit a check from my parents into our account, and then write a bigger check for the same amount, plus our share to the school for the Spelling Contest Fundraiser. And also pick up some quarters for laundry, and also to write out checks for the boys' school lunch. On the Spelling Contest, I find myself torn.

First off, I am glad we have decent schools for the boys to go to in this district. However, on the flip side of this, I think the local PTC actually raises more money than this school gets funded by the government. Makes me wonder why I should even be paying for lunches regardless of financial ability, or school book fees, or any of that. It seems with all the fundraisers, the entire district's liability should just about break even before the FEDS and State Department of Education begin financial dispersal amongst all the schools. Well, this time around it is the Spelling Contest, and after a little work with his mother Josh goes and manages to get 50 out of 50 words spelled correctly. He got pledge money from both sets of grandparents on this, us, and one of my wife's cousins, and her husband. I have a lot of bills that could use that money, even though my share was only $25, which I have no idea how I let my wife talk me into this. My wallet is saying, "MAKE HIM MISS ALL THE WORDS!!!" My wallet is one cold-hearted individual, but then again he was made from a cow, so I'm sure emotions don't factor into his world. I try not to let them factor into mine, but my wife makes sure that I am overruled on this. Something or another about being compassionate and caring about my sons and their accomplishments, blah blah blah. In My Day...(oh dear sweet baby Jesus, I'm turning into all my older male relatives) our reward was spelling all 50 of those words right and knowing we'd done a good job and learned something. These days, its learning, some praise from mommy, and more money of daddy's going to the local PTC. I'm glad the boy is smart, and it shows when he pays attention and focuses like he did for this spelling contest. Confirms my superior genes of intellect can trump the wildly unfocused free-spirited genes his mother gave him. (Of course if you ask her, she'll blame that on me too. I of course will have already forgotten what the question was before you finish asking)

Now on to the lunch money. We got a bit behind over the month, partially because of some bills that came up unexpectedly, and partially because all these snow days they have had has thrown me off altogether. At almost $3 a lunch, EACH, it doesn't take long for them to eat through the money. And when they come home they are starving little boys, begging for more food like a couple of incarnations of Oliver Twist, only not as polite and timid about it. So I had to make sure to write the check big enough to cover the deficit I allowed to get racked up, as well as the remainder of the month plus a few days. Now, if you remember from before, Josh had his issues of taking extras...so he was always a few dollars lower in balance than Corwyn, because I had not re-equalized it as of yet. So I ask the lady to give me the deficit, and she writes down the figures for each boy. Josh was a little over $30 in the hole, but Corwyn was over $50 in the hole, for a total of $91 when all was said and done..just to bring them back up to $0 balances. So I wrote a check for $191 this morning. I was curious as to how the imbalance between Josh and Bug had occurred, so I asked. Corwyn can NOT keep a secret for anything. If anything comes into his head, it will come out of his mouth. However, we had heard absolutely nothing concerning him taking extras at lunchtime, and when asked about it, he denied it. Well, technically he wasn't lying. I was able to see the secretary's desktop screen as she brought up his records of lunchtime swipes and balances. And every other line had the word "BREAKFAST" (which is not included in extras with lunch, clearing him of committing any infractions of lying to us).

I found out that Bug is one of the staff's favorite little kids. He always comes right on into the cafeteria, all happy and smiling, and talks to everybody. And he has breakfast...a big one apparently, and eats everything. This all right after a short ride to school on the bus, which happens right after he eats breakfast AT HOME...a LOT of it. Then some classes and LUNCH. Then some classes and home to ask me for MORE FOOD! 3 full meals in less than 9 hours, and he is still coming home "starving".

Now I remember complaining for years about how the school never fed me enough at lunch...and then we finally got salad bar for all kinds of extras at no additional cost to us, with unlimited trips. I am pretty sure this school that my boys goes to offers the same amenity. Why they should be starving so much is beyond me. I mean if it was tater-tot casserole, or Chef's Surprise Leftover Day, I could see them maybe skipping the biggest portion of lunch and coming home hungry. But these boys get all kinds of good stuff to eat at school, and in a much bigger variety than we ever had. And the reports from staff say they both pretty much devour everything, barely managing to return the tray in the process.

Since having found out my youngest is a little scheister, and sneaking in extra meals, The staff is now well aware that there is to be strictly lunch with no extra items, and no breakfast for either of them. I can only afford to feed them all they can eat, or feed them some of that amount and keep a roof over their head. Both cannot be accomplished with the same amount of money that revolves in and out of my wallet. I was asked if we had applied for free or reduced lunch programs. I told them, and they verified the guidelines that say we need two more kids to qualify at our income level. I said I can make two more kids, but I won't be able to pay for them any better, even with free lunches and breakfasts provided.

I have learned a few things today as I wrote out checks for kid related activities:

Josh will punish me with his intellect. If he is slow on the uptake, it will cost me money for a tutor. If he is excelling, it will cost me money for the PTC. This boy better get a full academic scholarship to any college he chooses to go to!

Corwyn, is a sanguine little hustler. He charms the daylights out of people, especially all the women (who obviously don't realize he's playing them for his own gain), and gets stuff he isn't supposed to be getting, and no one knows the difference until its too late. Luckily Corwyn knows how to administer "face to face" (read here for more on that) so he can resuscitate my wallet in case he kills it. Most likely from extra meals at school. They think he's cute and adorable...all happiness and smiles. But I got to know that boy real well for the first 5 1/2 years of his life... He is something else. I'd blame his mother, but I'm sure there is overwhelming evidence stacked against me.

Pranks and Other Observations

Today's post doesn't have any central theme, other than my weird little observations in life.

Observation #1 (Saturday night): ANY type of cussing causes my youngest child to laugh hysterically. Even if the word 'crap' is mentioned on a DVD, or TV, or whatever and Corwyn is in the room, he immediately laughs. If it's anything much harsher that he need not hear, the reaction is still the same. While he knows he is not supposed to say such words, to merely hear them sends him over the edge.

The other night I was wasting time playing RISK online (I love the game, but the dice rolling concept really sucks...how does one lose 20 armies to four armies on a regular basis? It's ridiculous). My wife was in the kitchen reading and preparing supper. The boys were on the couch, and I hear the words "wiener-boy" and "butt (or nut) bag" being repeatedly constantly as they discuss whatever inane mindless things little kids discuss. But after every time one of these words is repeated they both start cackling. They both have their own unique laughter, which I have determined that I could pick out in a room full of a thousand little kids from just about any distance. The cackling in and of itself is humorous to me. I decided to give it a few minutes to see if the subject would die down on its own. Anyways, I made the executive decision (poorly or not) that such words didn't quite cross the line entirely. That and of course I was slightly amused myself, as I am so often easily amused. Of course, left to their own devices, the subject, no matter how retarded it may be will continue to grow a life of its own when left unchecked. Eventually I, or maybe it was my wife, decided that the conversation was just too much and they needed to discuss something other than the antics of this so-called "wiener boy" and his superpowers derived from his "Butt (or nut) bag". It was time that they expanded their vocabulary's usage for while. Now that I think about it, it was my wife who stopped it, because I was busy facing away from them and holding in my laughter at the whole situation, which included them getting a talking-to from their mother. I'm not sure what it is, but I still find it amusing to watch others get into trouble...even if it is my own kids.

Observation #2 (this morning): BBQ Sauce. I love the smell of BBQ sauce, especially right before we slap it on some chicken to be fried or roasted. However last night, there was still some BBQ sauce leftover and sitting in the bowl my wife made it in. It hadn't been dispensed of or put into the fridge for later use. And while I was making coffee after coming home this morning, all I could smell was this hours old BBQ sauce sitting right there next to me. And I realized, I do not like the smell of the stuff the day after. Made me kind of queasy.

Prank (Friday night): My sister, Becky is great for playing tricks on. You have already read about the trick I played on her with her Christmas gift. well, now I have an even better one that she succumbed to this last weekend.
Apparently, before they went home to Florida, my dad started talking to my niece, Sophie. He kept mentioning how she needed a puppy when she got home. According to my dad, he was sure that my sister was getting a little bit perturbed by this, but all the puppy talk always had Sophie smiling. So my dad calls me up, and tells me I need to mess with my sister a bit on this issue. Of course he called me. As the resident a**hole in her life, since a very early age, I'm the natural pick to keep messing with her.

So I grabbed a picture off of petfinder.com of a small dog that looks like a miniature version (and I mean EXACTLY like) of a mutt dog we grew up with. then I looked up Orlando International Airport and found phone numbers and used the map of the grounds to give her directions to some building and convinced her it was where the live cargo comes into the airport. Becky is getting madder by the moment. She of course thinks to question my motives as serious or not, as she isn't completely dumb. Of course I played it off that mom and dad had arranged for this dog to be adopted, bought a flight for it out of Des Moines, here where I live, etc etc, and I wouldn't go to all this trouble just to mess with her head. Being gullible as she is, she finally bought into it. And boy was she pissed off!!!! She gave me reasons as to why they didn't need a dog, couldn't have a dog, and all that mess. I told her then to call mom and dad to straighten it out with them, and to call me back so I knew what my plans were for Monday (yesterday), since they had done everything and were having me pick the dog up and get it off on a plane to her. so she hangups with me and calls them. I got a call about 15 minutes later. I say "hello", knowing full well who it is, thanks to caller ID. There is a short pause, as I feel her drawing in every bit of rage she can, and then proceeds to introduce herself with the kinds of words Corwyn would begin laughing hysterically at. All I heard was "F**K You!" And then I started laughing hysterically. The way I figure it is that since she isn't pregnant, getting her blood pressure up a bit isn't all that unhealthy. I think she's still a bit mad at me and dad. Later that night I see her Facebook posting that says "My family sucks, they know why". I left a nice comment that says she brought it on herself. She responded to the effect that it isn't her fault I'm a dick.

Well the truth of the matter is a little bit different. Not that I'm arguing her point about me being a dick, because I am sometimes, ...okay a lot of the time. But, I do blame this on her entirely. Now stay with me here. She knows I am into pranks. She also fouled up my Christmas gift guessing game a couple years, a long time ago, and she did it intentionally.

And as smart as she is, and she is getting better at her people smarts than she used to be, she is still gullible and easy to pull pranks on. She also knows that I love to pull pranks on people, and that I have virtually no life, therefore she should KNOW that she is a prime target here. And, to top it off, after actually thinking to question me, she buys my sheepish answer (and I suck at lying, over the phone or in person), and proceeds to get irritated at the gall my dad had to supposedly send a puppy to them. Like I said, she brought it on herself. I stand by my faked brilliance, and consider this prank a successful victory. My dad also does, as he called me back while I was still on the phone with Becky who was steamed at me. He laughed hysterically when I told him how she started the return phone call with me.

I'm beginning to think it is a Lovell male trait to laugh hysterically when we hear someone start cussing.

Getting into trouble (Sunday Afternoon): For Christmas this year, my grandmother and her husband (do I call him Grandpa or by his name? They just got married a few years ago, I don't understand the protocol here), sent us a Christmas card along with $25 in Target gift coins for each boy. Well, Sunday the boys and I ran over to Target so they could get the gifts they wanted, and then we could get a picture of them with their new loot to send off to my Grandmother.

So we get there, and they each get some random toy, but also each gets a sword of some sort. josh picked up a flip-action Star Wars light saber, and Corwyn got himself the sword that goes with his GI JOE Storm Shadow outfit he had worn for Halloween this last year. After we got home, some point later there was a sword fight. Then one of them got the grand idea of challenging me, or having the other brother challenge me. SO we dueled a few times, me vs one, then the other, then each other, all times with the two different swords. Well, we did this in the living room, right in front of the couch where my wife is reading her book. It didn't take long, but we got told to put the swords away after I made a mistake and accidentally shifted the wrong way and caught my wife in the face with the sword. So I apologized to the boys for getting us into trouble, and then as they took the swords to be put away, I sat down next to my wife and began to apologize to her. She told me not to sweet talk her. I said I wasn't, but merely apologizing. What I said next did me in for the day. I meant to say I was going to make it up to her (in a amorous tone of voice), but my speaking dyslexia kicked in and said I was going to let her make it up to me. I didn't realize until she repeated it back to me with an incredulous look on her face. I really need to learn to shut up, cut my losses and disappear after screwing up. I think it is almost in my favor to skip any apologies. I have a tendency to only make it worse, even if by accident. Of course opting out any attempts might get me in just as much hot water as screwing one up. Man, I am screwed!