Wednesday, October 28, 2009

High Crime Apartments!!!

And by apartments, I don't mean some projects development in a bad neighborhood, or even an entire building. Just mine. Despite a heavy security presence on site (i.e.- me, super rentacop guy), it turns out I've got hoodlums living right here in my 700+ square foot domain. Right here in beautiful suburbia, a mere 2 minute walk from the local police station even!!!

I'm on to these guys now though, despite their picturesque image of innocence found in the photo shown here.

Oh no, despite them seeming to be cute and charming root beer float eating kids, I have uncovered a sinister plot. It could be mere localized crime, but I'm betting on gang affiliations, or even ties to the mob (the mob does NOT exist, buddy..GOT IT?).

The way I see it, there's definitely a criminal enterprise going on, but I just haven't put all the pieces together...YET! Hey, I may be a Super Rentacop, but these investigations take time. I want to make sure we got all the loose ends tied up before we take out this organization.

You see the one on the left...Age 10, Josh "The Marshmallow Man" Lovell. Last week, I was heating up some hot chocolate for myself, and I was out of whip cream. My wife had bought a bag of mini-marshmallows, but it seemed we were out. There was no sign of the bag, but I just had to assume it went out with the trash at a previous point.

Then just the other day, Marshmallow Man himself comes out with a bag. Not just any bag, but THE marshmallow bag. Now this boy is an even bigger King of Stashing things away than I ever was. First it was dirty socks between his bed and the wall. Now I'm finding dozens upon dozens of candy wrappers in the same spot. Sand is in his bed, don't ask me what the boy is doing, but I'm not ruling out trying to dig an oil well in the sandpit at the park. But the last thing I suspected was that the boy had stolen the marshmallows. I'm not against consuming naked hot cocoa, but I prefer a little something on the top. Lucky for him, his mother found him. she was able to scold him and protect the boy from the long arm of the Rent-a-Law, who was forced to drink naked hot cocoa because of his chicanery! She did explain to him the old mideastern custom of chopping the hands off a thief, though, and I think, rather I HOPE, he has learned the lesson here. At only the tender age of 10, I doubt it. I'm sure I'm in for at least another 8 years of stunts, pranks, lies, and outright criminality, mostly against me of course.

The boy on the left... Age 5 1/2, Corwyn "You want I should break your legs?" Lovell aka BUGGY. Known associate of his brother, the Marshmallow Man, and also the apparent enforcer of the bunch. Yesterday the boys arrive home from school. I am informed by Marshmallow Man that Buggy had hit another kid on the bus a few times. The bus driver had told Marshmallow Man to make sure that us parental units were duly informed. While close associates, Marshmallow Man is also known to throw his partner under the bus from time to time. You want information, he's the one who will roll over for you.

What's scary about the violence is not the violence itself. Had there been a good reason, like when he switched seats on the bus to avoid a beating from some other kid a few days into school, and got in trouble for moving while the bus was travelling, I would've been fine with it. I thought, maybe the boy is defending himself. No, the boy wasn't hitting him, or even calling him a bunch of dirty names, which has been known to set off many a schoolyard fight in my day. So I thought, Maybe he's shaking the kid down for lunch money or even owed protection money that wasn't being paid up in a timely fashion. Oh no, nothing that easy, or even admirable in a weird crime syndicate kind of way. Nope, Buggy's explanation for hitting the kid:

"He was just acting crazy."

I had to take a deep breath and try not to chuckle at this one. For those of you who know Buggy, you understand this very statement is the perfect example of the "pot calling the kettle black." And whats worse, his actions only furthered this idea. I don't have my kid beating up someone for a real reason or principle, nope, he's basically committing violent acts for their own sake. He's craaaaaaaazyyyyyyyy...sorry. Now, the real topper of it is this. He didn't punch the kid. No, he went for the real demoralizing move.
He slapped the kid.
Open handed.
Now that's disrespect.
In front of the other kids.
That is as demoralizing as it comes.

If they were 8 or 9 years older, that kid would be toast for the rest of his school life. Luckily their only 5 year olds. That kid has a chance to outlive this one. Now, lets hope that it doesn't come back on Buggy, no matter how much he might deserve it, when they get older and can do some real damage.

Either way, I now realize I have a couple of little hoodlums on my hands. Do you have ANY idea how this is going to affect my chances at being named Rent-a-Cop of the Year for 2009?? Horrible! Some dumb rookie punk kid will end up getting it by default! I may have to kill my kids before they get much older and find a way to root my wife and I out of the high society circles we've become accustomed to enjoying.


QUEEN said...


Naomi said... least write an article for Parent magazine.

I'm at home sick today and was reading Jed's blog when I saw the snippet of your post.

Got a good laugh.

Mookie said...

Yeah, I can't really deny these kids as mine!!


Writing for Parent magazine??? That wold be like a burglar writing about home security tips!

All In said...

Open hand slap.

HA - I love it. Wait.... I mean. I'm very disappointed in you son.

Mookie said...


Yeah, its a confusing one for a parent of my caliber. On one hand (no pun intended), you're left thinking....well thats one way to keep the kid down, and on the other hand is the concept of "what would a responsible dad say". I may have to go find one of these "responsible dad's", elusive as they are, and ask him.

As an update...after Buggy talked with his mother, it turns out that this is the same kid who has given him trouble before....which only makes me lean closer to the side "way to handle your business, son!"

Anonymous said...

It is a lesson learned early in childhood -- if you are to take marshmallows, take the whole bag. If you take half it, they'll notice a lot are missing. If you are to take brownies, take a whole row. If you just take a couple, they'll notice a few pieces gone.

As for crime, I was informed yesterday that Dana, age 3, got in trouble choking another child. Asked why, Dana said "he said he wasn't my best friend." The kid demands loyalty! (The two were playing happily by the time I arrived, however.)

All In said...

Scott & Mike

What is happening to kids these days? Back in my day you would just shove a kid and that would be the end of it. Well, actually the ooohhhh's from all the other kids would be the end of it. Now on the other hand kids are going for a full on slap, or the choke out.

Maybe after my girls get here I can teach them the "people's elbow".

Mookie said...


Is that "The people's elbow" as in the most electrifying move in sports entertainment? or THE PEOPLE'S ELBOW...the move preferred by America-hating commies everywhere?