Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Renaissance Guy: War Monger or Misguided?

"Hand injured, Cannot type well. Taking a break.

UPDATE: I accidentally plunged a knife into the palm of my hand when I was preparing a coconut. It’s badly bruised, and the cut was deep. It’s showing some signs of infection, so I am beginning to take an antibiotic. Fortunately I missed tendons and ligaments, but there is some nerve damage that we hope will not be permanent."

The preceeding message was a blog post from Renaissance Guy, a fellow blogger (you can read his blog here: http://renaissanceguy.wordpress.com/)

Now, on the surface, this seems like your run of the mill everyday accident. But here at Mook News, we have uncovered a much more dastardly conceptualization we like to call, REALITY!!!

It appears, while blindly following a lesser known, but very obvious, Bush Doctrine, of taking the fight to everyone before they can atack us. R-Guy seems to have chosen the belligerent terrorist network of Coconuts, who have been known in the past to attack unsuspecting people by jumping on their heads from the trees, as his chosen enemy. Clearly, his move overseas was not, as he would like you to believe, a simple move of the family, but rather a clandestine mission to take the fight to the enemy. In R-Guy's War on Fruit (or is it nuts, or what? how do you classify coconuts?), it appears he had kidnapped one of these freedom fighting nutballs, and after performing experimental surgery (clearly designed to have a mortal ending), it was time for him to perform a decapitation, and send the video into al-Jazeera to be aired for the entire world to see. Just how R-Guy intended to behead a coconut is beyond our ability to reason, but this clearly had to be his intent.
However, at some point, something went wrong in his mission. We believe it was overexposure to liberal bloggers that brought him to his senses, and appealed to his emotional well being. At last moment, he says he "accidentally" plunged a knife into his hand. Like we'll believe that Mr. R-Guy, if that's your REAL name! Clearly, any sane person with R-Guy's command of the english language would note that had it truly been an accident, he wouldn't have needed to amplify it with the word itself, but merely state he had cut himself while "preparing" this coconut. We have also unearthed an old code that shows that "preparing" means torturing. But, as we stated, with an overexposure to liberal bloggers, R-Guy suddenly became overwrought with guilt, and intentionally wounded himself. Hey R-Guy...suicide by bleeding to death through your hand doesn't work well, as you've found out. The pain overtook you to the point of seeking medical attention. But by suffering "war injuries" you didn't have to show the public, and your ravenous war-mongering supporters that you had gone soft. But we know the real story, and we will make it public, in an effort to swiftboat you should you ever run for public office under your "war hero" status. We just wonder R-Guy, will you now back down and withdraw from your illegal and immoral war, or will you make more excuses as to why you must continue to attack and kill innocent coconuts? What's next for your anti-American way, R-Guy? Invading Hawaii, and eliminating the coconut threat from obviously domesticated civilian coconuts who are part of what makes America great?

WE await your reply, even though we're sure you'll try to twist this story to put yourself in the best light, and indoctrinate us to your hateful ways.

But we know, from this unsolicited, and slightly doctored quote from liberal blogger Helenl, "The R-Guy Doctrine: I am King R-Guy, and it’s My Way or the highway; I will not work with anyone."


Anonymous said...

Now that you have me pegged, what am I to do? In some circles you would have to be eliminated for uncovering the plot.

In my defense, I want you to know that I had solid evidence that those coconuts had Weapons of Mass Destruction in the form of poisonous coconut milk. I also tried hard to get the support of the United Nations, which, as you know, has plenty of both fruits and nuts.

If you continue to suggest that Renaissance Guy is not my real name, I will have it changed legally just to prove you wrong--retroactively. Liberals love to do things retroactively, and--as you say--I've spent so much time reading their blogs that I am starting to think like them.

As for my designs on Hawaiian coconuts, you have forced my hand. I must reveal that the coconuts were designed for a "luau" to celebrate my birthday. No, I'm not in Hawaii, and no American coconuts were hurt at all--just my American hand.

As you say, I have not died. My hand is healing very well. No permanent damage done!

The pineapples and bananas are quivering, though. Those members of the Axis of Fruity Evil are sure to back down now.

Mookie said...

Well, I must agree that coconut milk is poisonous...(I hate coconut)...as for attacking pineapples, I will go against the family consensus here in the Mookie household, and back you in a coalition, as I have severe fruitism against pineapples too (just as bad as coconuts), but, I'm going to have to negotiate with you in order to spare the bananas. We and the Banana Republic have longstanding good will towards each other.
Glad to hear the hand is healing well!